OnMyOwnTwoFeet wrote:

I have considered for several weeks, and there is another friend in my small community who I think would be private and is one of the most open minded people I know, who has herself dealt with difficulties in her marriage. How can I be sure if this is wise? Is it OK to open up to another person who lives close by?

Also, is it a problem to want to have another confidant? Is my circle too large?

It's quite ironic.....we worry about telling this to others, worried about it getting out/being known, but we've been keeping someones secret, sometimes for years. And it's like a betrayal if we tell but there comes a time things just have to stop. 
Only you will know how receptive somebody will be. It's an intuition And yes....I spent weeks, months with all this inside me...wanting to talk to someone. And really, though you may think and hope your confidences will be kept, none of us really know whether that info will stay with that person. So it's a deep breath.....and tell your story. If you feel it's the wrong time, wrong place.....stop telling it. People generally give out clues as to whether they're interested in what you're saying.
Is 2 people who know your story...too many in one place? I don't think so. I believe the more you're comfortable telling your truth the stronger, and more determined you'll be.
 

I'm new here. Hopefully I'm in the right place. Last week, my husband of 21 yrs told me that he is transitioning to a woman. That he had been on HRT for 4 mos! I had seen some changes but it never dawned on me that he was becoming a woman. My whole view of our marriage has shifted. We've always had a happy marriage and we both don't want that to change. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can be with this new person. I've consented to letting him/her dress in nighties, panties and a wig. Sometimes I'm okay with it but then suddenly I will get angry.i think I cried for 4 days at first but since then things have calmed down emotionally.

The things that are hardest for me. Is that he knew he was trans before he married me and didn't tell me. Nor did he tell me about the cross dressing that he did for 23 yrs prior to our marriage. He put it all away for 21 years so he could marry me. Last year he really started missing being his "real" self and felt he had to do something about it as he's not getting any younger. And he made his decision with out consulting me. Now I'm stuck in this secret of his with no support. I can't tell  our children, family, friends or anyone. It's also hard that my input, my feelings were not considered before he started HRT.

We both really want to make the marriage work with this new dynamic. How do I do that successfully with all my mixed feelings?

Well...according to his story he has been cross dressing since age 4. At 23 he went full trans even in social settings. That he's always felt feminine but suppressed it when he met me.  And he did it very well. Apparently his whole family knew all along and knew I didn't know! I'm a little ticked off that his family -a big family- let me walk down the isle without a clue.  Now I have to deal with the fallout.

Thanks for answering my posts as I'm feeling pretty alone.

Anne wrote:

The things that are hardest for me. Is that he knew he was trans before he married me and didn't tell me. Nor did he tell me about the cross dressing that he did for 23 yrs prior to our marriage. He put it all away for 21 years so he could marry me. Last year he really started missing being his "real" self and felt he had to do something about it as he's not getting any younger. And he made his decision with out consulting me. Now I'm stuck in this secret of his with no support. I can't tell our children, family, friends or anyone. It's also hard that my input, my feelings were not considered before he started HRT.

We both really want to make the marriage work with this new dynamic. How do I do that successfully with all my mixed feelings?

Anne, I am sorry you find yourself here, but also glad you found us.

Your story is eerily similar to mine. My husband came out as trans at after almost 20 years of marriage. My spouse, too, had cross dressed since childhood and had tried to deny it for many years.

To answer your question ..... I don't know how to make it work. (We are currently going through the divorce process.) I get why your spouse wants to make it work. If yours is like mine, he is telling you that he is still attracted to women, so nothing has changed for him in this new dynamic except that he gets to do everything as before only now do it all dressed as a woman, and as a bonus, he gets to go on living life as a man to everyone outside your bedroom. So, yeah, of course he wants to make the marriage work. For you, however, everything has changed. You are the one being asked to deny your sexuality and change it all to accommodate him, and for doing so, you get to also become part protector of his closet.

Can it work? Only you can answer that. If your spouse is like most men going through this, he will never be satisfied with the status quo. Right now, it is nightgowns and panties. but eventually he will want more. What are you okay with? What and where are your boundaries? Where is are you sexually? Are you bi or pan or are you strictly heterosexual? If you are strict heterosexual, do you think you will ever be comfortable being intimate with a woman? 

I am sorry. I wish I could be more positive, but I prefer to be truthful. I will leave you with this, however........ if your marriage is to survive at all, you both need to be open and honest with each other. Your spouse needs to consider slowing his pace so that you can be comfortable with all these changes and no more taking steps towards transition  behind your back. Your marriage has been built on lies and deception. Your future needs to be built on honesty and respect.

Good luck to you.

HeyJupiter wrote:

One thing I have learned from confiding in another person, especially someone very close to you is that while you feel better and your burden is less, that person now has a sense of heaviness and a burden to shoulder, especially if they are sensitive and emotional. Basically, I confided in my sister. She is the only person I have told. It was not an easy decision to tell her, but I knew she could tell something was up as I don’t cry and every time we got on the phone I would choke back tears. She came over to my house and i told her - she took the news VERY hard. I broke it as gently as possible, but it was difficult for her and I have asked her to keep this to herself, luckily she has a therapist.

This is my first post. In time I plan to tell my story. It’s only been 18 days and I’m still vasilating between devastation, denial and shock. Tossed in with heartbreak and sadness.

Welcome to our group HeyJ. 

You make a good point about how confiding in others can impact them as well.  
I had a conversation with a couple people who I confided in early in my process.  They said the same thing.  But they also said they were glad that I did because it was a burden they were willing to carry to help me.  They said they would do it again for sure.   But, these were very mature and stable people in good places in their lives.  
The point you make is that you should be wary to confide in people who might not be in a good place to take on extra burden.  If a family member is struggling with divorce themselves or dealing with mental illness or struggling with abnormal amounts of stress they are probably not a good choice to bring into the inner circle.