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1 of 1- Anne
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Can one do this successfully regardless of mixed feelings?
I'm new here. Hopefully I'm in the right place. Last week, my husband of 21 yrs told me that he is transitioning to a woman. That he had been on HRT for 4 mos! I had seen some changes but it never dawned on me that he was becoming a woman. My whole view of our marriage has shifted. We've always had a happy marriage and we both don't want that to change. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can be with this new person. I've have consented to letting him/her dress in nighties, panties and a wig. Sometimes I'm okay with it but then suddenly I will get angry.i think I cried for 4 days at first but since then things have calmed down emotionally.
The things that are hardest for me. Is that he knew he was trans before he married me and didn't tell me. Nor did he tell me about the cross dressing that he did for 23 yrs prior to our marriage. He put it all away for 21 years so he could marry me. Last year he really started missing being his "real" self and felt he had to do something about it as he's not getting any younger. And he made his decision with out consulting me. Now I'm stuck in this secret of his with no support. I can't tell our children, family, friends or anyone.
We both really want to make the marriage work with this new dynamic. How do I do that successfully with all my mixed feelings?
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Can one do this successfully regardless of mixed feelings?
Welcome (not!) to the reality of having a spouse who acts secretly and unilaterally. If my and others' experience here is a guide, you can expect more of the same, despite his claims that he wants the marriage to work. For him, "work" means that you do as he wants. The truth is that your marriage can only work if he can grant you the same right to your own sexuality and authenticity as he wishes to have. So watch his actions rather than believing his words.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. It's hell.
- Anne
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Re: Can one do this successfully regardless of mixed feelings?
Hi...we have set "parameters" to the things he/she wants and the things I'm willing to let happen. So far he says he's given me the control. That's what he says but....he asked to shave a "little" of his chest hair. I reluctantly said yes. I walked into the bathroom and found half his chest hair gone! I was shocked. Then he had to do his belly because it looked stupid looking half n half. Of course I cried, I got angry because I gave a inch and he took a mile.
I haven't heard very many positive outcomes in marriages with this type of transition. I'm looking for positive information/resources to help me.
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Thread Starter- StrongerThanIKnew
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Re: Can one do this successfully regardless of mixed feelings?
Anne, I responded to a post on another thread, so I won't repeat that here.
Unfortunately, though, the give an inch, take a mile is a very common thread in all of our stories - at least it seems to be.
That whole story you shared is a story of manipulation. He says he is giving you control but still managing to do so in a way that he gets his way. I would be willing to bet that if you enforced the "control" he is giving you, you will see a totally different side of your husband emerge. In this particular instance, so what if it looks stupid. It is winter. Unless you are in a warm climate, no one will see him with his shirt off, and looking half-shaven is a small price to pay if it helps your wife slowly accept and move towards transition with you.
Anyway, if you are looking for a positive group, there is a group on facebook where almost everyone seems thrilled with their trans partner. Of course, you will chastised for using the "wrong" pronouns or made to feel unsupportive if you don't delight in every little step your spouse takes towards becoming her authentic self, but they are very pro trans and pro MOM (mixed orientation marriage).
I sincerely wish you well in this journey.