Thanks for the detailed response Lily.
My wife has made it clear that she is gay, so I should not allow myself to live in denial. I am trying to remain realistic. From knowing her personality, actions, and psychological issues and traits over the last 15+ years, I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to "take back" her declared gayness if she goes out and does not find a fulfilling, happy relationship where someone is able to support and provide for her.

I read about someone here on SSN whose wife left him for the affair partner. She then had another lesbian relationship where it got very volatile, and restraining orders were needed. Now the exwife claims to be asexual. I could see my spouse doing something like that. Wait, the grass isn't greener over here? Fine. I don't even like grass at all. I'll just be miserable by myself if nobody can take care of me and keep me at a constant state of euphoria and be everything I need. 

I realize that even if I'm right about how fickle my spouse will be throughout this, that doesn't mean it is worth it for me to just hang around waiting for years. For what? To potentially to see how everything shakes out and if she chooses me after exploring her other options? 

I feel deep down no one should play the role of consolation prize to their spouse. Marriage doesn't work that way. No matter how much compassion or empathy we can have for someone going through realizing and questioning if they are gay and does that mean they have to throw away their vows, relationship and family.



 

And look at the future ThisSeason describes he would have with his wife: taking care of her and being everything she needs and kept in a constant state of euphoria!  

I'm almost four years out from disclosure day, which I describe as the day my ex dropped the trans bomb, and about six weeks past the final court date dissolving our marriage, and I STILL harbor occasional doubts about whether he's and when he's going to get over what still feels to me unbelievable.  He was 58 when he dropped this bomb; according to him, he'd "first asked [him]self the question of whether he could be trans" when he was 55.  The behavior he engaged in after he dropped this bomb on me was so exaggerated and fantastic, and his version of woman so removed from that of any real-life woman he interacts with, that I thought he was acting delusional (my father was bipolar and did suffer from delusions, so I had pretty good comparative evidence).  
    Contributing to my continuing to wonder whether he has or will finally "come to his senses" (which is how I think of it) is that my ex retreated more firmly into the closet when I stopped wholeheartedly participating in his acting out of his sexual fantasy of playing submissive femme-toy woman.  However, these doubts disappear when either he will do or say something that lets me know he hasn't changed, or I will deliberately go looking for evidence in order to drag myself back to reality.  It really is just so hard to accept that the people we have known so intimately and in some cases for decades are not who we thought they were (or have become unrecognizable to us). 
   There's definitely a pattern of response that we undergo, and this questioning of whether it's real or will presist, and wanting to go back to our previous life or at least salvage some semblance of that life while staying married is part of that pattern.  
    The thing that's different for me now is that I have reached the point that even if he did return to "normal," I would not want to be married to him.  I may not have fully accepted the reality of his transness (that he stays in the closet may contribute to that) but over the time since his disclosure, and in our dealings since, my eyes have opened to quite a lot--not just to his self-centered, self-interested behavior after his disclosure, but to behaviors throughout our 35 year marriage--and I would now not want to be married to such a man, even if he were as straight as a board, because mine comes with his own version of what ThisSeason describes as life with his wife.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 28, 2018 10:27 am)

Zoso wrote:

ThisSeason wrote:

I realize that even if I'm right about how fickle my spouse will be throughout this, that doesn't mean it is worth it for me to just hang around waiting for years. For what? To potentially to see how everything shakes out and if she chooses me after exploring her other options? 


 

The fact that we entertain this thought shows how committed we are in our marriages. I still have this thought, what if she changes her mind? I am still very much in I’ve with my wife and it is a very difficult thing to just turn off. I guess that’s the difference in being the straight spouse. We struggle with the fear of losing everything we looked forward to and being alone. I cannot envision a future without her, but is there a future with her? I can’t answer that question right now. One day at a time for me.

Zoso, if a friend came to you with a similar situation, what kind of advice would you give him? Would you suggest he remain hopeful that somehow things can work out? Or would you tell him it sounds like one way or another, it sounds like there can be no "happily ever after" in this story?

Love can be very blinding and make it easier for us to make decisions that we wouldn't ordinarily make. Time and talking things out with your support system seem to help us see the situations in a more realistic light though.