So all of a sudden GIDH is acting as if nothing has happened. Now that he knows I’m done. He’s being extra caring and kind. In our last argument, I had told him that during our marriage I never felt like I was desired and treated like a woman should. So now he’s going out of his way doing all of that now. Which I do not want at all! Im not there anymore. It’s too late. And I told him now I know why. I can’t blame you. You didn’t know how to.
I’m honestly shocked. Does he really think he can erase my memory? I think he’s trying to see maybe he can make me look past all of this by being the husband I wanted?
It’s crazy. In my head I’m only seeing separation as next step but he’s planning trips for both of us in the future!! It’s a cruel mind game I should say. Sorry had to vent. Is it part of his process? To see if he can keep us both in denial? What should I do in this “honeymoon stage” to not be a b..ch but also make sure we’re not going off track.

Last edited by Mimi (December 15, 2018 12:34 pm)

Thank you so much Sean for al the point. I really appreciate you taking the time answering me. Will do!

Thank you for posting Angie. In reply: 

1. Update to my situation, much like you Mimi, my husband is trying to woo me back into the closet. He has planned two dates in one week (we have only been on two dates since we got married and BOTH were initiated and planned by me). He is all of a sudden complimenting me (which he NEVER has done before). He is being super sweet and letting me pick what we watch on TV and he is cuddling with me at night (still no sex though). I am not going to lie, I fell for it at first. I thought "ok maybe, I am making this all up...maybe he is attracted to me"... but I quickly snapped out of it. 

I remember reading somewhere that most couples go through 5-7 break ups before (finally) calling it quits. My point is it will take time to detach and decouple. I'd read up on something called "love bombing" which is how manipulative people woo their partners back into bad relationships. While I don't have a lot of information, I believe this is what your husband is trying to do.   

2. I have thought about everything you all have said on here and I can not deny the truth. I would be a fool to think that this is all made up and that I can change him into a straight man. 

Good for you. 

3. He has since told me that he is not masturbating anymore to gay porn (as if I am supposed to be comforted by that. As if I am supposed to believe that lol...like he's just looking it up and watching it like a movie hahah... he must think I am dumb). He told me that he also watches straight porn but at this point, I am done. Even IF he DOES watch straight porn, he is still neglecting me and is controlling my emotions and that is toxic for me. I need to get out.

I reckon he's like an alcoholic saying, "No more vodka for this guy. I'm now just drinking lite beer." But it's still the same malady. Getting back to your situation, you've seen through the words and focused on his actions. That's an incredibly powerful insight Angie, "No matter what he says/does, this relationship isn't working for me." I think that's the crux of the argument. Too many gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) feed this false narrative that being gay is somehow temporary, or even treatable. I believe these are the rusty remnants of 50+ years of anti-gay propaganda wrongly claiming being gay is a "lifestyle choice." I've never understood why husbands cheating with other women means a marriage must end, yet while cheating with other men is strangely the start of some kind of negotiation. If we were to remove "gay" from most posts I've read here, we'd be left with husbands who: jerk off to porn; cheat; lie; manipulate; and sexually neglect their wives.     

4. I have been really trying to look internally and as I look back through my life, three out of the four men I have dated have been gay. I must be a great looking beard lol. Or super manly looking (which I am hoping is NOT the case). I am going to go to counseling and figure out what in me is attracted to gay men and how to break that cycle. 

Good for you! It takes an incredible amount strength and self-awareness to focus on the only thing we can change: ourselves. Too often straight spouses lose years trying to fix their broken GIDHs. We can argue with reality all we want. Yes we can go couples to therapy and talk forever, but no amount of effort can change this simple fact: gay men need to be with other gay men, not straight women. The fact is gay men make sh*tty straight husbands because we're not attracted to women. I'm not. No marriage is perfect but the foundation of any marriage needs to be a shared attraction. Gay men like me are simply not attracted to women and pretending otherwise just makes everyone unhappy. Let's look at this a different way. I'm allergic to hazelnuts. I can blame my allergy on childhood trauma (whether real or imagined); go to therapy to talk about how I'm suffering because I should like hazelnuts; and even claim my absent father caused my hazelnut aversion etc. But none of this is ever going to change a basic fact: I can't eat hazelnuts. Let's say then that gay men are allergic to straight sex, meaning that our aversion is involuntary. Speaking for myself, there is nothing I can consciously do to make myself feel an attraction to women. Friendship with women: yes. Emotional attachment to women: yes of course. So my complete indifference to women's bodies and aversion to sex with women is just hard-wired, like an allergy. I didn't choose any of this. It's just who I am. So what's my point? I reckon many straight spouses feel they're partly to blame for their husbands' homosexuality when nothing could be further from the truth. Countless posts here prove it. 

5. All jokes aside though, I have decided to leave my husband. I am waiting for Christmas to come and go so that I don't ruin his holidays but in January I have made plans to move out and file for divorce. I imagine it will be a hard time for both my husband and I.

Be prepared for your husband's final attempt to stay closeted. Notice how I've written "stay closeted" rather than "save your marriage" because a GIDH's first priority is hiding his sexuality. And that requires a wife as cover. So he'll cry, fake suicide, or claim childhood abuse, all to keep you trapped in his dark closet. You'll likely get back together a few times before you eventually call it quits. If you do, please focus on facts rather than his pyrotechnics. We should focus on how we feel in our relationships. Honeymoons are short, gay is forever. So he'll still lie, surf gay porn, cheat with men, and eventually he'll leave you for a man.   

6. I can almost guarantee that my church will take his side because I am the initiator of divorce and therefore the devil lol. My parents will most likely be disappointed (but will come around eventually). I do have one friend that is completely supportive of my decision and other than that I have all of you guys and I am so blessed to know you all are here for me. Just know that in the months to come, I will most likely be posting a lot more and I will most likely be an emotional wreck (I apologize in advance). If you have any tips on how to have a seamless divorce or what to expect, that would be appreciated.

I'm sorry that you don't have a more supportive church community. When you do eventually share his secret, and I believe you have every right to speak your truth, you'll probably be surprised at how many people are supportive. Some may even say, "Well I always suspected." People, and particularly women, have a sixth sense about things like gay men. 

7. Thank you all again and wish me luck on this divorce journey. Obviously, I have never done this before and I am scared.

Good luck Angie. I reckon straight spouses find freedom when they fully accept their husbands (or ex-husbands) are gay, accept that we can't change our sexuality nor the sexuality of others, and choose to separate/divorce.

I'd encourage you to start your own thread so that the kind members here can support you during the coming months & years. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (December 21, 2018 9:43 am)

Thank you for posting Mimi, although I'm so very sorry your gay-in-denial husband (or "GIDH") is making this so confusing for you. In response to your latest message: 

1. After a couple of sessions of separate therapy, I agreed to go to his therapist together. Just one session. It was yesterday.

We've all tried couples therapy Mimi. Question: by "just one session" does this mean you no longer wish to attend joint therapy sessions? 

2. Remember how he called this all just “curiosity”? Well in yesterday’s  session the therapist referred to him as bisexual and he didn’t deny it at all. He said that he has always loved me and still loves me and will promise me to never act on it.

This follows a similar pattern among GIDHs: claiming curiosity; blaming his wife for a lack of sexual interest; promising to 'never act on' his homosexual feelings; and denying there were ever any affairs. 

3. I told the therapist what does that even mean?? Can he promise me that he’ll never ever think or fantasize about men? She smiled and said “I think you know the answer.”

I like her already. 

4. Also he repeated again that my lack of affection recently made him to be more active on these gay hookup sites. Also finally confessed that years ago he only met a guy in person once but they only talked. Every other experience was online.(Sure)

This too follows a familiar pattern which I call "just one" syndrome. It means that when caught, minimize. Question: has he apologized for anything? 

5. The therapist asked him if around the time he was unsatisfied in our marriage and started being more active on these apps and email exchanges, was it always men or were there any women too? He replied “no just men.”

She's doing a very good job of helping you both focus on the facts: namely that he's only been in touch with potential male partners, not women.  

6. So to summarize 1- at first he said it’s all just curiosity; 2- now he claims he’s bisexual; 3- he claims that he can avoid acting on his attraction to men if we have a more satisfying marriage; [color=#000000] 4- but how is it that when unsatisfied he only goes to men and not women? If he claims to be bi and not gay.

Question: has he accepted any responsibility whatsoever for this unsatisfying marriage? It sounds a lot like he's blaming his same sex attraction on you...which is complete bullsh*t. Given his strange logic, you should be a lesbian. 

7. What do you think of this new revelation from your experience?

I'm not a mental health professional so I'd recommend you discuss all of this with your own therapist, trusted friends, or family. So let's focus on the facts: 

Fact 1: For the better part of 14 years, you've suspected your husband was gay. 
Fact 2: Your husband watches gay porn. 
Fact 3: Your husband was a member of gay hookup sites. 
Fact 4: Your husband has admitted to 1 gay encounter. 
Fact 5: Your husband now claims to be bisexual. 
Fact 6: Your husband blames you for his homosexuality. 
Fact 7: You are unhappy and sexually unsatisfied in your marriage. 

8. Is it just a step from accepting his sexuality?

Claiming bisexuality is often a step towards fully coming out. I am not bisexual, however, I do believe bisexuals demonstrate an attraction to both sexes. Your husband appears to be almost completely lacking in any attraction to women, given your twice-a-year sex life. 

9. Maybe by claiming he’s bi, he thinks it’ll give me hope?

That's a very good possibility my friend. He might be trying to confuse you just long enough to get you back into his closet. 

10. I told him I’m not sure if I’m ok with this and I need to digest.

Good for you. 

11. I also asked him to sleep in another room. 

That's an excellent idea. 

I'd urge you to continue with solo therapy, continue focusing on the facts (rather than his spin), and continue focusing on how all of this makes you feel. True partners should make us feel validated, loved, and respected. I may be wrong but I don't believe your husband has ever apologized to you. After what you've been through, a human being would say something like, "I know I f*cked up. I love you and am so sorry I hurt you. I'll do whatever it takes to make up for it." Given what you've shared, it sounds like your husband is following the gay-in-denial narcissist's playbook of: "I'm straight. No now I'm bi. Yes I've been on gay hookup sites for 14 years. But I never did anything. Ok yes I met with one guy but nothing happened. And I wouldn't have even met with him had you tried harder to make our relationship work."  So in his world he gets to be both straight and blameless? I think not my friend. 

Please keep in mind that almost everyone posting here, myself included, tried multiple times to glue our broken relationships back together. After so many years of trying to make things work, it's very hard to just walk away, particularly where children are involved. So what now? I'd pay close attention to his next move. Most GIDHs start pushing their straight wives to open up their marriages. It often starts with suggestions of pegging (penetrating him with dildos), threesomes (of course with other men), or cuckolding (watching her have sex with other men). He'll couch it all in such reasonable terms. If I remember correctly, one clever member check mated her own GIDH by saying that she'd let her husband have sex with another man once or twice a month. When he accepted, she had all the proof she needed, and promptly filed for divorce. It was a risky strategy but she had confirmation that her husband wanted to have sex with other men.

I hope that helps Mimi. Please write again if I haven't answered your questions.[/color]

Last edited by Séan (December 28, 2018 2:08 am)

Happy New Year Lolita, although I'm very sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I'm not a mental health professional so please judge my replies and advice accordingly. Now In response to your post: 

1. I m a 33 yo wife with 2 kids.  After 4 years in a sexless marriage, I told my husband earlier this year that I wanted to go to couple s therapy.  He always refused until I found gay porn on his computer history and condoms in his bags.  And for him to agree to go to therapy I had to convince him that I had a problem with my low libido.  

You're very lucky to be here so young (age 33). Lack of libido, low sex drive, and/or erectile dysfunction are often catalysts for action...in both gay and straight marriages. 

2. I confronted him the same day I found the evidence that something was not right and he told me that he was watching gay porn just by curiosity and that he bought the condoms because he got attracted by this very special brand but had no plans to use them.  

Bullsh*t. Your husband is watching gay porn because he's attracted to men. He bought condoms because he's having protected sex outside of your relationship. But I applaud you having the courage to confront him. 

3. In couple's therapy we discussed this gay porn thing and the condom issue but I found that the therapist did not do a good job at digging the issues.  He simply explained that fantaisies were not necessarily things we plan to act on etc...  

Most gay men start hiding their sexuality around age 5 or 6. This means we've had decades to become experts at lying, denial, and manipulation. Gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) can even manipulate mental health professionals so I wouldn't be too disappointed with the therapist. 

4. I found gay porn on his computer 6 years ago but at this time our sex life was still decent and I did not confront him because it was just one page.  I also told myself  that since I have already watched lesbian porn it could be the same curiosity that could have led him to that.  during the past years I found condoms in his car twice and he always had an excuse.  I think at this time I was young and stupid.  My mother even told me that she suspected him of being involved with men but I didn't want to listen.  I realize that like many women on this page, I will probably never get the answer I m looking for from my husband.  

Yes you'll probably never hear "I'm gay" from your GIDH. Often the denial is simply too hard-wired for him to tell the truth. However, if you've found condoms and gay porn, you have all the proof you need.

5. Since I confronted him, he s actually very nice to me, offering me whatever I want. His goal for 2019 is to focus on our relationship and make me happy.  I could easily fall into that but my heart is telling me that something is not right.  I looked at th e different posts here and where I found myself struggling is because there is no coming out on my side.  I believe my husband still loves me but is still fighting with his other side.  I realize that I made some mistakes, like confronting him the same day while I could have wait and gathered more evidence. Now all his devices are locked with passwords and I have no access.

Following a confrontation, there is often a 'honeymoon' period during which the GIDH will try to cajole you back into his closet. Post discovery, GIDHs are also hyper-vigilant about locking down or (electronically) wiping clean their electronic devices. 

6. We did not have sex since the incident so it s been 3 months now and I got tested for STDs and everything is fine.  I m just concerned on the best way to move on with my life.  

That's the crux of it my friend: how you feel in this relationship. I applaud you for getting tested for STDs, because your health is the most important element here. Now I reckon it's time to focus on your mental health and happiness as well. So I'd recommend: going to individual counselling (just for you); starting your own thread here; and sharing your story with a close friend or family member. 

7. I understand I can t go fast because it s not just about me, but at the same time I don t feel like playing that comedy for too long.  I m also scared of throwing away something great.  I realized that while I love to know the truth I m also scarred of it.  When I confronted him, I did not dare ask direct questions.  I also tend to blame myself.  For example, one day I got really upset because he did not wanted to give me an explanation about the type of porn he was into and I told him that it would be better if we separate because I knew I could not make him happy.  I realize that I keep thinking about him first and neglect my own needs. I think this is also related to the fact that my parents divorced so I m afraid to make the same mistakes my mother did.  I feel trapped, like I want to be free but I don t have the courage to free myself.

I'm so sorry you're struggling my friend. I'd suggest learning about something called co-dependency, either on your own or with a therapist. If you've spent your life focusing on other's happiness while putting aside your own needs, you may have co-dependent tendencies. Many gay-in-denial husbands are narcissists, or toxically self-centred people. Narcissists and co-dependents go together like peas and carrots so I'd read up on it.

As for "throwing away something great", I don't believe any of us would consider abusive, sexless relationships with men who lie, cheat, and manipulate to be "great." So what now? Here are a few suggestions: 

1. Start your own thread here so the kind members can provide support. 
2. Share your story with a close friend or family member. Saying, "My husband is gay" will be very freeing. 
3. Start (or continue with) individual therapy (not couples' therapy).
4. Focus on yourself, your kids, and your needs.
5. Make a free appointment with a divorce lawyer.
6. Stop sharing your feelings with your husband. He'll likely just use them against you.

I hope the helps my friend. Please share as much as you like, either here or on your own thread. Be well! 

Last edited by Séan (January 1, 2019 5:35 am)