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- Jaybird
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Re: Just started the Journey to a better life
Ellexoh_nz wrote:
..... I would love to get others input on what the steps are that we will need to take to fully get through this,......
You're losing the person you thought you were going to spend, exclusively, the rest of your life with. And you seem to want to be okay with it.
I don't understand that
I wish more than anything that it wasn’t true, but it is. Given the circumstances, being okay with it would be ideal.
When I step outside myself, and look at the situation from a logical and rational standpoint, I feel okay with it, but emotionally, I am far from okay with it. It’s unbearable to think about.
- Daryl
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Re: Just started the Journey to a better life
You shouldn't try to suppress that. Save the rational approach for the division of assets and related matters, assuming both parties are being fair about things. You still need to express the emotional aspect. I'm not saying you should go rage out at your spouse but give it some sort of outlet. Write it out, even if no one but yourself ever reads it. Go sit by a lakeside camp fire. Go scream into the wind. Take up boxing with the old speed-ball Whatever works for you. Do not become the steam boiler with no pressure relief valve. That will affect your health, mentally and physically.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- jkc1214
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Re: Just started the Journey to a better life
I wish more than anything that it wasn’t true, but it is. Given the circumstances, being okay with it would be ideal.
When I step outside myself, and look at the situation from a logical and rational standpoint, I feel okay with it, but emotionally, I am far from okay with it. It’s unbearable to think about.
I am the same way. Logically, makes sense...split up, go our own way, rebuild, yada yada yada...in reality...unbearable is a wonderful adjective to use. But for me, staying would become unbearable. I did stay...for a LONG time, way too long, and it has become unbearable. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It's soul crushing, even more so than what you are feeling right now. Be good to yourself.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Just started the Journey to a better life
......Write it out, even if no one but yourself ever reads it. Go sit by a lakeside camp fire. Go scream into the wind. Take up boxing with the old speed-ball Whatever works for you. Do not become the steam boiler with no pressure relief valve. That will affect your health, mentally and physically.
This is good advice. I was writing down stuff....my thoughts, emotions....it's cathartic, seeing things on paper or screen. I kept some of it for ages and only deleted it when I felt I'd moved through that 'phase' of the journey. The screaming into the wind will be a release of the emotion you might think you're not holding inside (but you might be surprised)
And we ALL know the benefit of exercise
KIA KAHA
- Jaybird
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Re: Just started the Journey to a better life
Just wanted to update you all. We told the kids yesterday. It went reasonably well considering. It’s funny how quickly they seem to have gone back to normal.
It feels so good to have that experience behind us, though now I feel that we are carrying some of their emotional burden on our shoulders.
Heading into the holidays, it will be easier to discuss the situation without worrying that the kids will find out.
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Thread Starter- Estella Oculus
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Re: Just started the Journey to a better life
Jay, I am thinking of you all and sending along good vibes. I am so glad you were able to tell your children and that you feel that it went fine. I hope each step of this journey gets brighter and surer for you.
- lily
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Re: Just started the Journey to a better life
Jaybird,
you are strong but don't dig too deep a hole to climb out of post divorce. It is better to use your anger in healthy productive little bursts now - trust yourself to do this, you are a good person, help yourself now and automatically you will help your whole family.
Shock is good - it's like a plaster cast on a broken bone, it gives protection and a kind of strength - we can almost be superheroes! - but it is not forever, the shock wears off and you must just be you again.
when you say telling the children went well and then I read your description it is good it went well and it is good mummy gets the hugs but I worry when I hear she did all the telling and I can only hope that daddy got just as many hugs. It's unbearable, you need the hugs too - it's not a simple fact like the puppy got run over and we have to bury him, I have no words of advice just a bucket of sympathy for you and your family and wish I could help more.
Last edited by lily (December 17, 2018 5:01 pm)
- jkc1214
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Re: Just started the Journey to a better life
I'm glad things went well for you. We have still not told our children, we're waiting until after the holidays. I can't wait to get it over with though. I hope having this one thing behind you helps you in some way.
Are you still living at home? Sharing a bed? I feel like once these things happen your kids might start to react more to the situation. Hearing about it is one thing, seeing it is another. I wish you the best of luck as you move forward and I'm sending strength to you and your children.
- Jaybird
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Re: Just started the Journey to a better life
Thank you for the kind words Estella.
Lilly, yes, she got her hugs and our discussion was focused on her transformation. As this becomes more of a reality for them, I am hopeful that they can be supportive of me as well. For now, I’m good with her story being in the spotlight. Thank you for your insight, it does help keep my thoughts in check.
jkc, yes we are still together at home in the same bed. I know that things will set in for the kids when she moves out and they start living at different homes, and I anticipate some struggles with that. They are also in shock, and are each dealing with it differently. It will definitely take time and communication to move through all this.
My wife has a new place picked out and is planning to move out shortly after the New year, which feels so fast for me, but I know that the real healing will start once she is out, so I hold on to that thought for strength. Good days and bad days....
Journaling and exercise are my savior these days.
J
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Just started the Journey to a better life
sounds good, Jay, it's so painful, we can only promise it gets better with a bit of time - good luck with all the holiday stuff, Lily.