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1 - JT
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Still confused after 7 Weeks
Finally decided to register after lurking and reading so many of the posts you all have made. Thank you for what you have shared, it definitely helps to see other people are going through similar circumstances.
The past couple months of my life have been surreal to say the least. My wife of 16 years believes she is gay, she had the realization in September. In October she told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me in the future and she was trying to figure herself out but didn't mention anything about TGT. About a week later, I noticed things seemed really strange between us, and she was not acting like herself. A friend of mine called to let me know he had seen my wife holding hands (in a very romantic fashion) out in public with her "friend." When I confronted her, she admitted that she had been on a couple of outings with her friend, and kissed her a few times, but that's as far as it went. We talked a lot, and she admitted that she had substantial feelings for her friend, she thought she was in love with her. She agreed to not act on those feelings.
On Halloween night, after an enjoyable night out with our children trick or treating, I found out she had cheated on me the week before.
Since then, we have been struggling with how to move forward. She has broken off contact with her affair partner, but says she still thinks about her and feels love for her. She seems to be settling more and more into the persona of a gay woman, where as at first she wondered if she was bi, or pansexual, or something of the sort. She tells me she loves me and doesn't want to divorce because she's not sure if that's the right decision. What if she regrets it? What if she is away from me and misses me and realizes she can't live without me? But then other times she says she wants to separate for a while to work through her feelings.
I feel stronger now than I did a month ago, but honestly I still waiver back and forth between what my future will look like realistically. As much as I have a hard time trusting her or believing we can salvage our marriage, part of me does not want to give up too quickly. From reading what others have went through, I know sometimes it can take months to process everything and be ready to move forward. I just wanted to share a bit of my story and I welcome any feedback.
- JT
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
I've been reading all kinds of books about marriage, relationships, divorce, separation, etc. But obviously this situation is different than the standard ones covered in most books. I've seen examples of where separation can be a good thing for couples, but my state does not have "legal separation" and I have to figure out if I'm okay with just being separated, or if I would rather just move ahead with the divorce. From a moral standpoint I have a hard time thinking about either of us being with other people during a separation, as in my mind (and legally) we will still be married at that point. I hate the idea of closing the door completely on our marriage, but it feels horrible to think of her living as if she's single, experimenting, with me waiting on the sidelines. I'm not really interested in being with other women right now, so it seems the separation would only benefit her. I am trying to keep my mind focused on choosing what is best for me and my children above everything else. Old habits are hard to break though, I've been loving my wife and taking care of her needs for 18 years. It seems I can't just flip a switch and stop doing that, especially when she is being mostly kind, considerate, and even often loving to me.
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
JT,
So sorry but welcome.
Move at whatever pace you need to in processing this. There is no set time or rule on how we handle all that comes with this. Don't let others including your wife dictate how long need to take or what you want to do.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- JT
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
Thanks for the welcome Rob. I definitely feel like I am making some progress in trying to figure out what is best for me in this situation, but hard to change the picture I have had for my life for the last 17+ years.
My wife was always the one to say things like "We will be sitting on the front porch in rocking chairs holding hands when we're 80." And that has been what I imagined reality would be. To now feel like that is not likely to be how life turns out, it's the hardest things I've ever been through. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
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Thread Starter- control
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
JT-
So sorry you are here. I too recently started here after confirmation by my husband of 32 years that he has same sex attractions. Our children are in their 20’s now, but that doesn’t make the pain any easier. He says he never acted outside our marriage, but it is difficult to believe a word he says now.
I know inside splitting up is probably the only route for me to take, but after all these years together that sounds horrible too. I’m starting to take small steps to become more independent & prepare myself for what is most likely about to happen in my life. The lies & deceit seem to be the worst part of all of this.
Reading the other’s stories and comments here definitely seems to help some, if anything can really be of help. I found out all this in October & my process is going to be a slow one.
Hoping you feel some support being here too.
Good luck.
Control
- JT
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
Thanks for the kind words control.
I want to believe this is just a mid-life crisis of hers or something that will somehow pass. I feel like even if she said that's what it was, it would be hard for me to ever trust and feel as safe in our relationship as I used to.
You are right about the lies and deceit. My wife had passes to attend a conference several states away that we booked earlier this year (when everything was good between us) and that is where she had sex with her affair partner. I knew the AP was going to the conference, and I tried to prevent anything from happening. I asked my wife to stay home from the conference, I offered to go with her, or said we could come up with dozens of other options. My wife responded by being mad at me, calling me controlling, and then eventually being nice and sweet and loving and sexual with me for days before, assuring me she had "chosen me" and that I had nothing to worry about.
I feel like a sucker for believing her, but I also realize even if I could have put a stop to things at the conference, it could have happened any other time or place. The AP lives only about 15 minutes away.
I'm not sure how much of it is due to genuine remorse or just lack of options, but my wife seems to be thinking more clearly now. She regrets the way things went, how she acted, and that she hurt me. But that is of little consolation when she still believes she is gay and in love with the woman. It seems like we are just waiting things out, in some sort of peace-treaty limbo state.
I've read that sometimes it can take cheating spouses months to get over their affair partners, and after that point they can think more clearly. That article was not specific to a homosexual affair though, so I am hesitant to let thoughts like that give me too much hope.
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
Although you describe your wife as "kind, considerate and often loving," what I see is that she went behind your back and lied to your face.
Rob's right that you have to make your own decisions and go at your own pace, but it sounds to me as if wile you're reading and thinking you might find a visit to Chump Lady salutary, where you will find another take on such ideas as "mid-life crisis," "affair fog," and the "hopium" that keeps you hooked.
- lily
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
Yes, sorry JT, she sounds very bright and charming, very easy to love - but please do not believe she is feeling remorse over you at any point, that's not gonna help you understand her.
wishing you all the best, Lily
- Daryl
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
Remove the gender from the question. How would you react if she were off holding hands with some man, went to a conference with assurances to you that nothing would happen, and then something did? Then after all this still says that maybe they might be in love with this person? We all make choices in life and these choices come with consequences. The gay/lesbian/bisexual thing doesn't excuse us from our choices and their consequences. You are correct in realizing that there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. That it did, despite assurances otherwise, suggests to me that she either willfully lied or took no heed of your concerns and behaved selfishly in the moment. I don't know but I get the feeling that she doesn't regret what happened, just the way it happened.
More than once I've read here about a spouse who had that first fling. It cooled off and things went back to kinda normal until the next Mr. or Ms. "Right" came along. Please don't get caught in that limbo-hell. In your first post you listed her concerns but they seem all about her. She's not sure divorce is right, she might regret it, she might miss you, etc. It sounds like a way to try to keep you on board until she makes up her mind, or collects the bravery, to jump. Who's looking out for your concerns?
Do we owe anything to a cheating partner? Shouldn't the onus be on them to make it right and earn their chances? Unfortunately I think that it's more often the case that the cheater takes advantage of our commitment to the relationship and uses that against us, making us become the 'fixer'.
What are your choices? I can see three. One - both parties recommit to exclusivity/monogamy. Two - open the marriage equally to both parties, not that you have to seek others but the option should be available to both. Three - end the marriage. Only you can decide what's best for you and I don't think it's something you make a snap decision on.
Sorry you find yourself here, where none of us ever wanted to be. It's normal to feel like a swinging pendulum for a bit. Clarity will come in time. Until then there's always a few people here ready to read and reply.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- JT
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Re: Still confused after 7 Weeks
lankylozenge wrote:
I still have days where I fantasize about us getting back together because it would just be - in theory - such an easy thing to do and lead me back to the smooth and comfortable life I once knew. But those days are getting fewer and further between because ultimately you, I and everyone who posts on this board deserve more. I've already invested too much of my time in this person. I can't waste any more.
Your entire post sums up a lot of what I am feeling and going through. You can definitely see patterns in the thought processes and coping strategies that we go through during this time.
lankylozenge, I assume you have figured out that it is inevitable that you will have to divorce your wife?
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