Hey Sean. Its Angie. First off I want to say thank you so much for answering my questions. It has helped me out a ton. Second, I am sorry for the late reply, I have been processing what you have told me. Also, my husband found out I am on here and he told me that I should not be looking for help from "non-christian" people. That is so stupid because I've asked for help from people in the church and although they mean well, they are clueless as to how to deal with my situation. 
So here I am again. I have confronted my husband again and it didn't go well (it never does). He told me that he only looks at gay porn when we are having trouble in our relationship (we're in a fight or something). He says he does it to feel safe. I don't know what that means. It makes me afraid to get in fights because then I'll feel rejected again. 
I know this is not a platform to ask if I should get a divorce but ...I don't want to live the rest of my life like this! I am only 23. I think that is the avenue I have to take but I don't know how to tell him. We HAVE had some really great times together. He IS my best friend. He is funny and fun to hang out with. I just know that if I divorce him, everyone will think I am evil because our marriage looks so good from the outside. And plus, it hasn't even been a year since I got married so they will think I bailed prematurely. I don't know what to do. 

Thank you Mimi. Question: are you in counselling at the moment? If not, I can't stress how important it is that you share all of this with someone who can ground you in reality; like a counsellor, good friend, or trusted family member. When straight spouses first start posting here, they hesitate to share what's happening outside of this forum. I reckon the fear comes from knowing that once she verbally and in-person shares about her husband's gay porn habits and cheating with men, reality will finally set in. This is the straight wife's own "coming out" so to speak. If I may make some recommendations, you should now take the step of saying "my husband is gay" to another person. He or she should: 

1. NOT know nor be in contact with your gay-in-denial husband (to avoid being influenced or manipulated by him). 
2. NOT be in any way invested in your marriage continuing. He/she should be 100% on your side. 
3. Be objective and trustful. 

Perhaps a mental health professional is the best place to start. Your husband is essentially arguing that he's still straight despite some rather damning evidence:

1. Zero attraction towards women (no sex with his wife). 
2. Decades of gay porn 
3. Decades of gay hook up messages

Like many gay-in-denial (GID) husbands post-discovery, he's losing touch with reality, if not his own sanity. It's like he's drowning in his own lies and delusions. I know because I've been there. When someone is drowning (whether real or emotionally), the only safe thing to do is throw them a life ring. If you swim too close, you'll simply be pulled under...and then there will be two victims. Your husband is currently flailing and splashing around so please keep your distance. It's time to start detaching, with love, from your husband and marriage. If you want to help, after all this is your life partner, you can recommend a therapist, but always keep your distance. I hope that makes sense. 

Turning now to Angie's post: 

1. First off I want to say thank you so much for answering my questions. It has helped me out a ton. Second, I am sorry for the late reply, I have been processing what you have told me.

No problem. Take all the time you need. 

2. Also, my husband found out I am on here and he told me that I should not be looking for help from "non-christian" people. That is so stupid because I've asked for help from people in the church and although they mean well, they are clueless as to how to deal with my situation. 

What a hypocrite! How "Christian" is all that gay porn he's watching every night? With regards to your church, I'm not going to get into a religious debate. However, if your church community denies that homosexuality exists while forcing people in gay/straight marriages to remain married, I'd perhaps look into non-religious counselling or therapy.    

3. So here I am again. I have confronted my husband again and it didn't go well (it never does). He told me that he only looks at gay porn when we are having trouble in our relationship (we're in a fight or something). He says he does it to feel safe. I don't know what that means. It makes me afraid to get in fights because then I'll feel rejected again. 

Why doesn't he watch straight porn after you argue? I reckon he's using his anger as a form of bullying or control. These are all very big red flags for such a young relationship. 

4. I know this is not a platform to ask if I should get a divorce but ...I don't want to live the rest of my life like this! I am only 23. I think that is the avenue I have to take but I don't know how to tell him.

That's entirely your decision. If you're staying in a relationship out of fear, isn't that abuse? Please share all of this with someone objective who is 100% on your side, meaning he/she has no relationship with your husband. I'd recommend getting professional help via counselling or therapy. 

5. We HAVE had some really great times together. He IS my best friend. He is funny and fun to hang out with. I just know that if I divorce him, everyone will think I am evil because our marriage looks so good from the outside.

I don't know if best friends should lie to, frighten, and bully us. I'd reevaluate that. Only you can decide what you want in the way of a relationship. You need to weigh what people will think of you in the short term with how you want to live the rest of your life.  

6. And plus, it hasn't even been a year since I got married so they will think I bailed prematurely. I don't know what to do. 

People will think that you discovered your husband was gay and divorced. End of story. 

I hope that helps Angie. Please reach out to the Straight Spouse Network in your area to get the support you need. Be well! 

 

Last edited by Sean (December 11, 2018 5:56 am)

vicky wrote:

Hey, I'm butting in here Sean.  Angie1 your husband says that he's not gay because he's a Christian that's bull.  He's denying it because he's Christian.  If he was straight or bi he'd have had sex with you on your wedding night end of story.  Don't worry about what people will think I agree with Sean, they'll think you discovered he was gay and left.  Imagine what they would think if they found out he was gay and you knew and you stayed married and had kids and then he was out screwing guys behind your back now you're 45 and getting divorced.  Just read more of the stories here and really think about what it will be like anyone on here can tell you things get worse as you go so whatever your life is like now it's going downhill from here.
You are so young it's just going to be a lifetime of heartache.  Imagine in 10, 15, 30 years.  You have kids etc.  Is this the type of relationship you want to teach your kids is normal.  One with no intimacy where there are lies you deserve better!  Kids are very perceptive more than you think.
If you want a best friend go find one, your husband isn't your bestie they're your partner in life. 
take care 
Vicky

I couldn't agree more. I first discovered my husband on a MTM hookup site when I was 36. If I had left then, I would have found it much easier to find someone else and be happy. You are only 23 years old...you have ONE life to live...please don't live it being miserable and attached to a guy that is using you to hide who he really is!!!!! 

He is not your best friend...a best friend wouldn't do this to you. Ever.

*hugs*

Sean - Thank you! Yes I've been seeing a therapist. As any therapist would do, he doesn't confirm that he's gay. He says not until I see him in person and in therapy I can't say for sure. But he says that at this point it doesn't matter. What you should focus on is that you're not happy in your marriage and that's all that matters. He may never come out to you. So you need to go with your intuition. I have to say therapy also helps A LOT. and you are so right, the first time I wanted to share this with someone outside this forum, it was like I'm coming out of my own closet. It was so hard to say it out loud in the real word " I think my husband is gay.". You never imagine yourself saying these words when you get married. you are also very right about helping without getting to close to drown with them.

JKC - Reading your sentence here gave me the chills. Im 36 and my first discovery was finding him on gay hookup sites. I made a promise to myself that I wont wait another 10-20 years.

Angie - I agree with everyone's advice to you here. You're only 23. I WISH I were 23 when I found out. I know its easier to stay and "deal" with this situation than to make this big change in your life and deal with family's reaction. I feel you. I remember how I felt in my early twenties. but you have a whole life in front of you. and trust me in 20 years from now no one will come and tell you bravo for staying in a sexless, lifeless marriage. You've got this!
 

Last edited by Mimi (December 11, 2018 2:58 pm)

Mimi wrote:

Angie - I agree with everyone's advice to you here. You're only 23. I WISH I were 23 when I found out. I know its easier to stay and "deal" with this situation than to make this big change in your life and deal with family's reaction. I feel you. I remember how I felt in my early twenties. but you have a whole life in front of you. and trust me in 20 years from now no one will come and tell you bravo for staying in a sexless, lifeless marriage. You've got this!
 

In truth, I think it may SEEM easier to stay and deal, but in reality, it is much harder. I think it would be much easier to cut bait, deal with the fall out, and be done with it. Otherwise, a 23 year old could be looking at another 50 years (or more) of rejection and loneliness, and that will take a heavy toll on a person. Add kids and maybe a situation where she becomes financially dependent on her spouse to the point where leaving is next to impossible. No. Staying may seem like the easiest thing, but it really isn't. Just my $.02 though.