I think you do have all the signs. 

My opinions:
He is not straight and not Bisexual.  You have proof of this because he isn't attracted to you.  He might say he is, but you see no evidence of his attraction right?   Most 20 something guys get an erection just thinking about a naked women, and definitely seeing one.  They want sex nearly every day... and not out of "respect", but rather out of pure testosterone fueled sexual energy.  He's close to 40 now.. Should still be pretty "energetic", wanting to pursue you and instigate sex a few times a week.  After years of marriage he should enjoy trying new things (with you). 
To me it's clear he isn't attracted to the female body.  He is therefor, by definition not straight or bisexual.  He is gay...  In Denial. 

The other points you make back up the GID (Gay In Denial) diagnosis.  (again just my opinions). 
GID spouses create a persona of a straight person and need their spouse to help them keep that story alive.  Therefore they are USING us.  Using someone means controlling them to suit their needs.  This is why most of our spouses are narcissistic and controlling (as you mentioned).   Of course he's scared that you will leave him..  He will lose his beard. 
They also are quick to get angry at any hit of questioning them.  

He is gay.  He is in denial.  Please don't go crazy.  You were in denial, but are starting to open your mind to this truth.  Don't feel bad about this.  I spent 16 years sort of "knowing" but refusing to accept this likely truth because I didn't let my heart believe what my mind knew.  

I'm sorry!   I wish you didn't have to be here.  Welcome to our group.  I hope we can help you on your journey. 

 

Mimi, I'm so sorry. You have been blind-sided and certainly didn't deserve to be. You deserved honesty and truthfulness.

Before you confront him, however, please educate yourself - especially if separation/divorce is your goal. Many attorneys will offer a free consult, so consult with one. Laws vary from state to state and you just want to make sure that you protect what's yours. For example, in my state, there is no legal separation. you are either married or you or not. Even if you are living apart, all funds are marital until you file for divorce. So, if one spouse confronts another and says she wants a divorce, the other spouse could do a little love bombing and convince her to stay married (even if you start living separate lives) while he starts to spend money for whatever reason. When she finally does file, she has no claim to that money because it is no longer there. This is just an example of why keeping your cards close to your chest may be a better idea than confronting him and showing your possible hand. (And before you say that your husband would never do anything like that, truth is you don't know for sure. My spouse has done things that I never, not in a million years, would have believed she was capable of doing. Then again, she lied to me about who she was at her very core for over 20 years, so I really didn't know her at all.)

Also, you say you want to "help" you husband. What does that mean to you? Do you want to help him acknowledge who he really is? Then what? Help him move on? Figure out a way to live in a MOM? 

That is all great. Just make sure your needs are a priority too.

You are both absolutely right. Thank you so much for your pointers. And at some point it doesn’t matter how much he denies. Thank you!

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Last edited by Estella Oculus (May 1, 2019 9:06 am)

Update to my situation, we're going to our first couple's therapy session tomorrow. He wants us to work on our marriage and looks at it as an issue to be solved. By both of us! still tells me that it was all just curiosity (gay hookup sites, personal ads, emails) and nothing has happened and nothing will ever happen.

Any advice on what to address or ask during therapy?