Angie's post and my reply: 

1. I am a 23 year old newly wed and I think my husband is gay even though he denies it because he's a Christian

Ok. 

2. Here's the story. So I come from a very conservative background. My Husband and I actually met in the youth group of our church.

If he had anything to do with the church choir or he was even the church choirmaster, run! Church choirs are like gay boot camp. 

3. His family has always condemned homosexuality but my family is more open to it seeing as my sister is a lesbian. Anyway, when we were dating, my husband told me that IN HIS PAST he has been attracted to men and that he looked at gay porn.

Ok so he's admitted to being gay or bisexual. 

4. I was naive and allowed him to explain it away and we moved forward with our relationship thinking that his attraction to men was in the past. We got married in April 2018 and he was a virgin when we got married. Three days into our honeymoon, we STILL had not had sex.

This is a red flag. 

5. I assumed it was just his nerves and brushed it off but  later when we finally did have sex, he seemed very uninterested and he even yawned once (so embarrassing). He never seems interested in sex AT ALL.

I'm sorry you had to go through all of this. A lack of interest in sex is perhaps the most common red flag and it's what brings most straight wives here looking for answers. 

6. I initiate most of the intimate times and he barely kisses or opens his eyes to look at me. When (IF) we do have sex, he can not "keep it up" for more that a minute before going limp and he makes excuses like "his back hurts" or "he has a headache" or "hes had a long day" when I have worked longer hours than him. He often says that i want sex too often and he cant keep up. He often makes me feel guilty for wanting to be intimate with him.

Whether gay, straight, or asexual, you don't some compatible. He's clearly not interested in having sex with women. This isn't your fault, even though he's trying to make it seem that way.   

7. He told me once that he is now getting older and cant keep up with me (HES 26 YEARS OLD!!!). Recently I wore sexy lingerie on his birthday and he told me that he needed to take a shower first and that he was going to take a long time. When he got out of the shower, he seemed annoyed and inconvenienced so I told him we didn't have to have sex and he seemed happy after that.

What a pr*ck.

8. He avoids coming to bed at night and instead watches tv until 3AM.

I think he's watching more than just TV my friend. He's probably surfing gay porn. 

9. Once I sent him a text that was sexy and seductive (or so I thought)... and he replied that he would come to bed but that he was too tired and didn't feel like having sex. We have now gone a month without having sex and we have only been married for 8 months.

My question is: do you think this is going to get better as you both age? Men's sex drives typically diminish as we age, whereas women typically want more sex. 

10. He admitted to me a few months ago that he has been watching gay porn again.

Now you know what's he's watching until 3 a.m. every night. 

11. When ever I try and ask him if he is gay he explains it away and says that even though he watches gay porn, he doesn't want to have gay sex because he thinks its wrong. Is he hiding something from me? Or am I crazy for thinking he is gay? Sorry for the long post.

Let's just go back to what he's said: he admitted he's attracted to men; he doesn't want to have sex with women (like you); and he watches gay porn every night until 3 a.m. What more proof do you need my friend? 

I'm so sorry you're going through this my friend. But you are young enough to start over. I reckon he's emotionally straight but sexually gay. If he's from a conservative Christian family, clearly he wants to be a straight man but was born gay. Sexuality is involuntary, like eye colour. While he can't change, you still have choices and options. I'd suggest you speak with close friends/family and then start considering divorce. Sorry if that stings. Take care of yourself. 

Thanks for replying. My reaction: wow Mimi...just wow. You wrote:

1. I can’t thank you enough for answering my questions and helping me settle my confusions!

That's very kind of you. Deep down, I think we always know the truth. Denial is when what we want (namely to stay together) conflicts with the truth (he's gay). 

2. I was actually there at that club (not a gay club) with all our friends but he was away for a few minutes and that’s when it happened. I didn’t see this.

Got it.

3. But that’s not important anymore because as of last night I found out all the casual encounter ads that’s been going on for years!!!  Craigslist personals!  I haven’t confronted him about these yet.

You'll probably never hear, "I'm gay" from your husband. But there often comes a point when it simply doesn't matter anymore. 

4. He told me he saw a therapist and he’s told him that everyone could experience same sex attraction and it’s normal. It’s not black and white! WELL not everyone does, right?! I love how he’s trying to sound like it’s nothing. I’m sure when I confront him about all the new things I’ve found that’s been going on for years, he’ll deny it. And will say “if I care about our marriage I’ll work it out.”

I reckon what he shared with you was his interpretation of the counselling session. Most gay men know they are different around age 5 or 6, so we've often been denying reality for decades before our wives confront us. My point is you'll probably never hear, "I'm gay" from your husband. Based on my exchanges here, it's also quite common for GID husbands to use therapists as allies of sorts. "My therapist says I'm not gay..." is a common claim. 
 
5. Putting aside the gay aspect, it’s a roommate/friendship type of a relationship that I don’t need any longer. Instead of focusing on proving to him what he is, I think based on what I know and feel now, it’s enough for me to leave. I must say I’m scared besides being very hurt! Thanks again for all your pointers! I’m on it. 

Be gentle with yourself and please ensure you have lots of loving support from friends/family. You have every right to be angry with your husband my friend. For me and my (then) wife, true healing only started once we'd separated and divorced. 

I hope that helps. Be well. 

Thank you for posting Joy. In response to your post: 

"I am in a panic having found my husband is being gay again. He promised me he would stop five years ago, but now I found dirty panties, stockings, and sex toys in his closet thrown behind a box on the shelf when I was organizing. I’m even more upset he didn’t try and hide it better. I don’t know my next move...What to do?"

I'm not quite sure how to help my friend. I don't really agree with "my husband is being gay again..." as if he were "drinking again" for example. Being gay isn't temporary as we are born gay. So if he's clearly no longer interested in sex with you, nor any other women, and yet seems very interested in sex with other men, I'd perhaps consider that he is gay and yet married a woman.

Only you can ultimately determine what is your idea of a happy marriage. If you are ok with the panties, group sex, and his attraction to men, then I'd work through it. If however, you're desperately unhappy, perhaps it's time to consider separation/divorce. I hope that helps my friend. Be well.

Last edited by Sean (December 3, 2018 8:00 am)

Thank you for the update Joy. Please keep in mind that I'm not a mental health professional, so I'm simply sharing my personal opinions. As I've written in previous posts, it's up to each of us to determine what constitutes a happy and healthy marriage. And I reckon the same applies to a couple's sex life. If for example you are perfectly fine with kink, porn, and group sex, I say have at it if this makes you and your husband happy. 

But therein lies the rub my friend. It sounds like you're sexually adventurous, are still having your own sexual needs met by your husband, and (most importantly) you two were able to have a frank and honest conversation about your relationship. Sadly, most of the straight wives posting here have none of the above. Most straight wives - and this includes my former wife - were lied to, cheated on, sexually starved, and emotionally abused. Many straight wives never hear "I'm gay" from husbands who are so deeply closeted, these damaged men simply can't admit they are gay. And why? They can't admit it to themselves so it's impossible for them to admit it to their wives. The lies, denial, and delusions are simply part of a gay-in-denial (GID) husband's DNA. It's the sleepless nights, depression, and frustration that motivates most straight wives to post here. They want answers to questions their GID husbands may never provide. Sadly, they're looking for honesty and authenticity from men who have spent most of their lives lying: both to themselves and others.  

But I do hope things work out for you and your husband. If however you find yourself in need of a (virtual) shoulder to cry on, please come back and provide us with an update. Good luck and be well my friend!

Last edited by Sean (December 3, 2018 12:53 pm)

Thank you for posting Mimi although I'm so very sorry you've found all of this evidence. In reply: 

1. I confronted him about all the “casual encounter” ads I found in his email that goes back to years ago. Craigslist personals. Since they are old posts I couldn’t read the details. But of course they existed. 

That took a lot of courage my friend so bravo. 

2. When I told him I knew about the secret email account and all these posts, he was very sorry that I’m upset and found out but he said it was just out of curiosity.

Bullsh*t. 

3. He said it never got beyond a few email exchanges and he’s never met with any of these guys in person. Mostly happened on his business trips.

More bullsh*t. 

4. So to summarize what I know as of now: He’s been active on gay hookup sites. Tells me he has never ever met with anyone. He just created this accounts to look at others out of curiosity; he has been posting and responding to casual encounters under men seeking men in Craigslist for years (before we even got married). 

Curious is, "I was in college, got drunk, and hooked up with my (male) roommate. It happened once." Gay is when you spend years hooking up with other men via Craigslist or other hook up apps (like Grindr or Scruff). He's been on hook up sites for over 14 years. That's not curiousity my friend. No one walks in front of a bakery for 14 years without going in from time to time to buy a cookie. Your husband isn't just browsing gay websites. He's there for a purpose: to hook up with other men.  

5. We rarely have sex (twice this past year).

Well he's certainly having sex elsewhere, likely on his business trips, and you now have the message history to prove it. 

6. He tells me if I were more affectionate and we connected better, he wouldn’t be so curious about this all. Kind of blaming me and me checking out of our marriage for all of this. 

What a d*ck. That's called 'blame shifting' or 'gas lighting', both classic tactics with narcissists. He can't call you both a sex addict and then demand you be more affectionate: those two statements contradict each other. Narcissists say things like, "Well of course I ran you over with the car because you didn't move out of the way fast enough." The only way a wife would be responsible for forcing her straight husband to have sex with another man would be at gun point. He's losing track of his lies because you confronted him and he's scared. Fact: he's having sex with men because he's attracted to men. Not your fault and never was.  

7. Says he is not gay or even bi. He says I even get disgusted when I look at gay porn or when the guys he had texted got a bit sexual in text. 

Well at least he admitted to watching gay porn. And no one watches porn just to placidly sit there and enjoy it. There is lots of fapping/wanking going on during his porn watching so clearly he's doing something sexual. And let's be very clear here: gay men watch gay porn, straight men do not. I reckon he very much wants to be straight, but he's as gay as a rainbow. 

8. He has become extra sweet and kind since I confronted him.  He’s constantly apologizing  for hurting my feelings and asked me to go to therapy with him. Loves me more than anything and wants our marriage to workout. Tells me if you also promise to work on it we can solve this. 

I refer this to the 'honeymoon' phase, a time post discovery when the gay husband tries to cajole his wife back into the closet. There is another subtle blame shift here: you have to go with him to therapy. You have to fix your relationship. More bullsh*t. He's manipulating you by playing on your good nature. If you still feel a need to heal or save him despite his very obvious emotional abuse, you might want to read up on co-dependency. Tell him to start therapy on his own with a promise that you'll join him in a few months. While you'll likely try marriage counselling, we all did, he'll just trot out some bullsh*t stories about abuse or an absent father. 

9. He tells me his lack of interest in sex is because he’s just not a sexual person like me.

Um no. He's very good I'll give him that. He's just trying to blame you, yet again, for his homosexuality! Let's not forget: he has the secret email account; he's the cheater; he's the liar; he's the one in denial. All you're asking for is to have regular sex with your husband. That's normal. What's he fighting for: secrets, lies, and no sex? There is nothing, and I repeat nothing, wrong with you. He's delusional. I'd suggest reading, "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie to counter his narcissism.

10. Your thoughts on all of this? I’m not sure what he means by solving? I love him and the thought of not being with him kills me, but I also want to be in a relationship with someone who desires me. I don’t need a roommate. Any thoughts would be much appreciated! 

I know this is confusing but please repeat to yourself, "This is not my fault." Mimi I am not a mental health professional my friend. But I am a Ph.D in gay denial. My prognosis: your husband is pride-float gay...and likely a narcissist. And you have all the proof you need with years of messages, many going back to before you were married. I reckon there is about a 5% chance he'll ever come out to you. He's in very deep denial. Whether gay or straight, we've all been on this particular pink roller coaster. It's a process and it takes time. But the truth (my husband is gay) eventually prevails despite his lies, manipulations, and narcissistic blame shifting. I'd urge you to continue posting here Mimi, get yourself to therapy ASAP with someone who has experience with gay/straight relationships and narcissism (try calling the Straight Spouse Network for references), and stop discussing your feelings with this man. He'll just use them against you. Focus on you my friend. You're fighting for nothing more than a normal marriage, which also means regular sex. Your husband on the other hand is fighting for you to forget that he's been caught pink-handed hooking up with men for most of your relationship. You're fighting for the truth. He's fighting to keep you in his closet.  

I hope that helps my friend. Keep coming back and share EVERYTHING so the good people here can help you stay sane. You're going to be on an emotional roller coaster for the next 18-24 months. Make sure you take care of yourself and have lots of loving support. You're not alone! I hope that helps. 

Last edited by Sean (December 10, 2018 12:02 pm)