OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Wife might be into women again and I think she cheated on me with one

Impreza02 · November 27, 2018 2:03 pm

Hello, I have been trying to find help but I can't seem to trust anyone with this without judging my spouse. I don't know where to start so I'll just start here. We have a one year old son. He was born in September of last year. Before me she was into men and women but that "went away" after we got together. I have been going through all of my wife's social medias/emails as of lately. And I found that she has a Tumblr that I did not know about. Why am I searching through my wife's stuff? Because there has been an extreme lack of intimacy between us and other red flags. She acts un-attracted towards me. The past six or seven months or even nine months, we have only been intimate about twice since then. My brother passed away in March of this year. It has been happening since then. She has "liked" activity on tumblr of "lesbians" and women on women type things. I have a suspicion that she has been or had been fooling around with her friend a month or two after my brother passed. They went on a "best friend movie date" the movie was "sold out" so they went to see "another movie". What also led me to think that they fooled around is that her friend is also Bi-sexual(likes women-they both do) My wife got dressed up all cute, wore date make up and wore the underwear that she is supposed to wear for me. Since about then she has been meaner than usual, picking fights, putting me down, mistreating me, threatening to leave me and many other things. I feel like she does not want to be with me anymore. I strongly feel that she wants to be with a woman instead of me. But I do not think that it will be a good idea to bring any of this up to her because she will for a fact attack me on whatever she thinks she can attack me with, like my day to day habits or annoyances she has towards me. Next month will make it 5 years of us being together, and one year being married. I believe with my heart that she does not want to be with me anymore but might be afraid because of what she will lose. I really feel that I am only around to pay for stuff that she wants and not really much else. These handful of times that we have been intimate in almost this whole year, we might as well just be friends is the way that I see it. When I try and make intimate advances on her she either says "stop, go away" or "Yeah.. no thanks -rolls eyes-" which is pretty discouraging. Please help me with this situation. Also to mention, that I have been NOTHING but supportive, loving and faithful to her. She has also cheated on me more than a handful of times in the past (this was about 3ish years ago). I have forgiven her for all of those times and we never talk about it anymore. Some other last minute things to add, she still kisses me but it is more so me doing it. I have not confronted my wife about the situation so this would be a bad way to bring it up to her. As for more information on our story, I do not know when or how to bring this up to her. She is very confrontational and defensive when it comes to bringing absolutely anything up. So that kind of gives me a choice of never saying anything. I am serious about not being with her anymore because I feel her sexual preference has changed and there is no way to make a person change their mind or the way that they think. I also do not want to hold her back from who she really is, I want her to be happy no matter what. Even if it costs us our marriage. Another thing to add. Her and her "Best Friend" had a multiple falling outs and do not speak to each other as much as they used to. Her friend also gave my wife a ring to wear, my wife had also gotten me to give her money so that she can give her friend a gift in return. It might have been a ring? I am not too sure about it but I am almost positive. Her friend is also very possessive of her and questions her on all of her actions like people in a relationship do. Sorry, last minute thing to add. Forgive me if I have missed something else to post on here. Doing this all at work so I am kind of rushing through this and I am desperate for help on this matter. If anyone has any opinions on this matter please let me know them. Don't sugar coat it. Thanks.

Last edited by Impreza02 (November 27, 2018 2:30 pm)

phoenix · November 27, 2018 3:25 pm

Welcome Impreza02,

(I'm a "car-guy" so I appreciate your username.

Anyway. Wow. . I'm so sorry to hear your story and know that you have to be here. So many things you talked about are things I went through myself. The constant intimate rejections from the love of your life are a serious injury to you and your self-esteem. The lack of trust is harmful to you as well. The narcissism that she displays by constantly throwing accusations back at you are terrible. You're getting the worst of all of the character traits that we talk about here on this forum.

If you are looking for someone to help you know if your wife is lesbian.. I can tell you that my ex is a lesbian and she displayed most of what your ex has.
If you're spouse is spending time on lesbian websites - probably a lesbian.
If you're spouse is not having sex with you, never initiates sex, doesn't enjoy it, gives you guilt trips afterwards, and rejects you frequently.. probably a lesbian.
If you're spouse has a "best friend" who seems to take priority over you, acts as though they are in a relationship, goes on "date nights" with, wears fancy underwear for, then yep.. probably a lesbian.

My ex didn't want to be a lesbian. She married me thinking she could learn to love me. She lied and took me as a "beard" because she was selfish and didn't want the world to know she was different. She wanted kids and used me for that as well. (granted I'm happy to have kids.. truly blessed.. so i wouldn't change that part, but still I was used for this).
I would be willing to bet that your wife did the same exact things to you.

I'm sorry buddy..

Time for you to start thinking about what your future holds

Daryl · November 27, 2018 7:43 pm

I have to second this - there are so many red flags here. The second part of your post is much more difficult to answer. What to do. For starters decide what you want and deserve. I would suggest you don't deserve to be treated the way you've described. It's all well and good to want the best for your spouse but not if it means you have to put up with abuse to get there. Have a plan, have a back-up plan. The upcoming Christmas and New Year's season will probably tell you everything you need to know about where she wants to be. Sorry you find yourself here. If she's all in for the relationship, she should be willing to work on things and make adjustments. If instead you get anger and blame shifting I would suggest she is either in severe denial or selfishly using you for cover and personal creature comforts.

lily · November 28, 2018 6:03 pm

well first thing is you have done a lot to help yourself in finding this board and making your post - my suggestion is you don't try and talk about it with your wife for a while and give yourself more time and space to read here and think about it all.

it is a step taken at the start of a journey where in your heart you are going from a marital state of communion to an independence of being.

it is driven by the recognition that she has never been invested into the relationship in the same way you were. you are righting the balance out of necessity. it is better all round.

well you did say don't sugar-coat it!

It is heartbreaking with a one year old, so keep remembering you will always be his father.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (November 28, 2018 6:05 pm)

Rob · November 29, 2018 8:50 am

impreza,

You wrote;

'..My wife got dressed up all cute, wore date make up and wore the underwear that she is supposed to wear for me. Since about then she has been meaner than usual, picking fights, putting me down, mistreating me, threatening to leave me and many other things. .."
..
"..Her friend also gave my wife a ring to wear, my wife had also gotten me to give her money so that she can give her friend a gift in return. It might have been a ring? I am not too sure about it but I am almost positive. .."

I am so so sorry.. same thing happened to me. The treatment you are getting now I refer to as "the discard" ....its a horrible feeling and all you can do is watch as they shift their love and emotional needs to this other person. I say just watch because there is nothing we can do..they have chosen. You can try the "pick me dance" but even physical advances will result in being pushed physically away.. Its inhumane.
Its not something we are capable of doing.
If you forget TGT for minute...that they can become so mean and discard us means at their core they are capable of extreme cruelty. To this day that scares me about my GX more than TGT... malevolent cruelty that is so undeserved...

Start building your support system and know that you are worth far more than the treatment you are getting.

Impreza02 · November 30, 2018 12:58 pm

Thank you everyone for your input. I have thought about this long and hard. It really has been difficult having to think about this. All of the red flags that I have put together point to her cheating on me with a woman. I want to confront her about it but I know for a fact that she will lie. I have no absolute hard proof (like texts or screenshots but I believe my gut, it hasn't proven me wrong yet) that she did but my feeling of this has never been wrong. I have been right every time that this has happened. I have had proof in the past of her cheating on me and she still denied it. The fact that I have the same feeling now is terrible. And what makes this much much worse. Is that She did this to me a month or two after my older brother passed away. This event was by far the worst thing that I have ever experienced. I do not think that I want to be with a woman that is going to continue cheating on me. This one makes it that I can count the number of times that she has cheated on me with two hands. You may be thinking "wow this guy is an ass, still with this girl after shes cheated on him so many times..." Yeah. I am a fool for thinking that she can change. But I love/LOVED her. But the quote "Once a cheater. always a cheater" comes to mind. She has done it to me in the past and still continues to do it to me. I think that I am going to confront her about it soon. I can not explain the heartbreak that I feel. She did this awful thing to me while I am going through the single most possible experience in my life AND we have a kid together. She is a petty person and I know this divorce will not go well. I can only hope that it will. Also to mention she is still in contact with this woman. She was talking to her yesterday pretty much all day. What makes it sketchy is that she is using snapchat to talk to her, and supposedly snapchat automatically deletes messages. Great..how convenient...
Anyways I do not think that I love her the way that I used to and I am tired of her treatment towards me. I do not see anyway past this mess. Not trying to be absolute, but..Divorce is honestly the best thing that I can do right now. And that is what I will commit to. Thanks again to everyone that commented. I will keep y'all updated because I really have no one else that I can trust on this matter. Thanks for the support.

phoenix · November 30, 2018 1:07 pm

I think you've already made up your mind and I think you are absolutely right.

I would give you another piece of advice.. Hold off on confronting her for a little while. Get your ducks in a row, consult attorneys and decide if you think it's required or if you can mediate together, learn about the divorce process. Get a head start on it. Sadly, divorce is a business transaction and typically the one who is most prepared comes out ahead. Give yourself a little advantage and start preparing.

*I'm not telling you to do anything unethical like hiding money.. so don't make that assumption. But there are things you can do that are wise and good preparation.

Impreza02 · November 30, 2018 1:14 pm

That is great advice Phoenix. That is exactly what I will do. Your username and ending signature is very inspiring. It helps me to see the light in this very dark and twisted tunnel. It also reminds me so much of my brother. He had a phoenix tattoo on him and spoke wisely just like you do. Thank you very much.

phoenix · November 30, 2018 2:19 pm

My pleasure my friend. Let us know how we can continue to help you through this process.

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November 27, 2018 2:03 pm #1

Wife might be into women again and I think she cheated on me with one

November 27, 2018 3:25 pm #2

Re: Wife might be into women again and I think she cheated on me with one

November 27, 2018 7:43 pm #3

Re: Wife might be into women again and I think she cheated on me with one

November 28, 2018 6:03 pm #4

Re: Wife might be into women again and I think she cheated on me with one

November 29, 2018 8:50 am #5

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November 30, 2018 12:58 pm #6

Re: Wife might be into women again and I think she cheated on me with one

November 30, 2018 1:07 pm #7

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November 30, 2018 1:14 pm #8

Re: Wife might be into women again and I think she cheated on me with one

November 30, 2018 2:19 pm #9

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