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November 27, 2018 7:40 pm  #1


It's all a Blur of Betrayal

Thinking that writing my story now, 6 weeks from discovery of my GH, Trans, CD, ITC husbands covert activities is still so fresh. I'm in the grieving phase, questioning everything. Was I his beard these 20 years, the whole time? Nothing he says is true, so I don't believe anything I'm told, because he is ITC and in-denial. Generally - it is because he is from another country and has a strict religion, he will not admit to anyone his proclivity.

I'm the one who went "full Columbo" snooping into all online activity to find Gay Hook-up Chat accounts, CL ad responses (when personals were still active there), photos of himself in my boots/panties, purchases of leather handbags that he claims he masturbated to, locked files of photos, map timelines showing him visiting public bathrooms and parks.

There was one incident when we were newly married where he was using drugs and said he went to this orgy with transsexuals where everyone was "f_king" everyone. I chalked it up to drug abuse, which he eventually stopped. Around that time, a man came into to where I worked to tell me that this is who my husband was and that he would never change. We were newly married and I didn't listen. I thought myself progressive. I knew he also had experiences with prostitutes and he claims he came across trans prostitutes by accident and that the sex was just an "act". I bought the lies and went on to formulate what I thought was a loving and successful marriage.

As far as I could see from my unfortunate sleuthing, was that currently, it was for about the last 3 years, and usually occurred while I was traveling - which explains the lavish vacations he gave to me. He swears he didn't "cheat", though from this forum, I already understand this behavior is indeed cheating and he will do anything to protect his closet. My visceral response was to leave. The blinds went up and all of his neglect of me, over drinking and passing out nightly, lack of sex, ED, no gifts/cards/celebrations, no dinners out or activities, no compliments, no social life - over the last 3-4 years made perfect sense.

I know that even though we are best friends, I have a lavish life and that it's tearing me apart (I am heavily grieving, crying, scared) that I must go. Alot of the fear is that if he could juxtapose himself in our life in such a lying way emotionally, then he might seek revenge and not co-operate with our mediation, support order and filing for divorce.

He said, as long as I have decided to leave, we might as well file for divorce. This is the closest thing to admission of his behavior as I've gotten. I have received no apology, only anger, depression from him...he's sad I'm leaving but it's a giant shit show of him gaslighting me to think somehow I engineered all of this.

This forum is helping me immensely. I can't even get my own HMO to give me a counselor; are they anti-lgbt...or do they think this isn't traumatic? If you don't claim urgency, they don't care. So we're in separation/divorce mediation. I've got the movers booked. I'm leaving one of the most pro LGBT cities in the US and happy to leave it behind me and moving to where my daughter lives. I have a great tribe of female friends who are supportive in keeping me on track to leave.

My GH-ITC-TransH is acting like an angel, though accuses "me" of leaving, has said he will miss me, refuses counseling - so I guess it is all an admission but he will not come out, even to me and divulge how long, how much, if he actually cheated. I'm disgusted, betrayed and flip flopping daily in emotions, anger, betrayal and grief. I hope to update this story when I've made my move, re-enter the workforce at sexy 60, restart my life on a much lesser $$$ level and re-establish my identity and TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I'm an optimist at heart and very spiritual. I'll just HAVE TO put that energy in my own direction despite all the crazy making stuff that's going on right now. I am deeply sad and feel incredibly stupid that I didn't see the signs earlier. I even accused him of being a GH. Why oh Why...I hope to dig deep and find out how to gracefully move on and reclaim my joie de vivre.

UPDATE: I'm 2 months past my discovery. The intense grief and spontaneous crying has lessened. I'm moving toward acceptance and his behaviour is helping me because he is like a new person....someone I don't, in fact know.  Alot meaner, more incosiderate, full of bravado and arguments. His world is turned upside down because he can no longer control me and he doesn't like it one bit. I'm in counseling, working through co-dependency issues, packing my home to move, moving closer to my adult children who are 100% supportive, I've secured a new lease in a new state.

I've realized how repressed our life together was and how isolated I had allowed myself to become, no friends/social life, even not being given birthday cards/presents, dinners out. He did as little as possible to engage with me on an intimate level while keeping his secret life. We are now in mediation to create a support agreement and file for divorce. I cannot count the minutes (6 weeks) until I get on the plane to fly out of here. Moving arrangements have been made.

He is hooking up while I am living with him, of course in secret, going to cruising spots and leaving trails online of cruising websites. I"ve told him to STOP and wait until I leave. It's hurtful, but through counseling I am learning that what he is doing does not truly affect me, (this is his behaviour - not mine) and I am beginning over elsewhere. It seems he kind of delights in making me feel badly because he is angry about my seeking divorce and mostly about financial support as part of the divorce.

He continues tp gaslight me, lying about his activity and only showing devastation at only the financial aspect of this separation/divorce. It is sad that he is not showing how he feels about losing an 20 year marriage, yet again - it's not my problem. I'm moving on...the quicker the better. I can almost feel what it will be like to be out of this oppression and finally move toward healthy relationships with people who are honest. His journey whether ITC or coming out, is his own. I'll check back in when I move! 

Update March 2019: (5 months from discovery)
Well I moved, out of state, one month ago. I am in counseling to help me create a new identity away from my husband. We are still talking on the phone every day. Some people say to cut the cord, however we have a support agreement between us which means we need to talk and he still requires my help to set up paying his own bills, caring for himself, getting a roomate - doing all the online stuff. Do I hate him? Kind of. Do I feel sorry for him? YES.
He told me I never should have left. I say sure, of course he didn't want me to leave, I totally took care of him while not looking out for my own needs. 

In counseling I found that I am exhibiting PTSD behaviours. I'm still snooping. Mostly because I didn't get closure from him. He is so in the closet that he refers to himself in 3rd person and tells me it is none of my business, which is hysterically funny (not really) because we were married for almost 2 decades. How is it not my business. He refuses to come out, even to himself.

The thing that gets me is that what I have found is that his activity is so violent in nature, his speech with other men, his rampant chat activity on so many Gay chat apps. How do I reconcile who this man was with me, to who he really is? And the photos of him with thigh high boots, my panties on, purses with dildoes, nail polish, lipstick, condoms and lube that he shares with his chat recipients. This is WAY more sexualized activity then he ever had with me. In fact, with me he was repressed. There was no intimacy. He has even chatted about how nice it is to kiss the men he is with. How did I miss this all. Why wasn't I the recipient of his affection and sexual attention? Why didn't I listed to the cues early on?

I'm still deeply hurt. Still crying daily. This ISN'T how I wanted my marriage to end. At first I did feel a blanket of stress and pressure lift. I felt free. Now I just feel alone and unsure of how to start over. Mostly, I had financial security and this is a real issue. Finding significant employment at my age is challenging at best. So you can see I am working to focus on myself, but it's not easy.

In the mean time, he get's to have "all the fun", and has even asked me if I have had sex. Are you kidding me? I loathe to even meet a man, forget have sex...and I'm certainly not seeking random sex. 
The good parts are setting up my new home. Living in a fabulous City away from the Gay-centric City that I was living in and being near family.

I am numb. I am confused. I am sad. I applaud those that have understanding and compassion for their husband, but I do not. I just feel duped, frauded, cheated and angry about it. There is the circle of grief. I'm hoping it lifts in time, from the pain/sadness/crying to the anger/recrimination/blame to the, on a good day, acceptance. This just plain sucks.

OH. And he WAS having affairs. He was cheating. He was hooking up in public parks and bathrooms for YEARS and YEARS. There are men he has even been with before that he has gone back to. He is not even bi-sexual, he is 100% trans and gay and hiding. 

I am still keeping his secret from the family and friends who he tells that we grew apart, but yet, we are still friends who talk on the phone every day. How I fantasize about sending them the copies of texts and photos that I have, or even just a quick text message that says GAY/TRANS. I feel like if they knew, he would have to suffer even 1/100th of what I have had to suffer giving up my comfortable life, my home, my connections with his family. Then he would know what it would be like to be ostracized. Though I am a good person. I understand that that would be pure revenge. And I understand the economical result of that. I could be sure that my financial support would end. So I keep his secret. I am the secret keeper.

The whole situation is a wound to my heart. It feels that way. I understand that time will help, as I create a new personna. However my fantasy of what my life would be like after leaving has not quite lived up to the reality. I'm hoping therapy helps me reestablish, cause right now I'm still a mess and very sad.

UPDATE: 6 1/2 Months from Discovery. 3 months from separation.
It's interesting to read through what I have posted in Our Stories, during the different stages of discovery and leaving my 20 year marriage. So I'm about 6 1/2 months from discovery that my husband was prolifically cheating on me; ITC, Gay and Trans. I chose to leave at 3 1/2 months from discover. At the time I chose flight. Unfortunately my husband was not willing to come out of his closet, even for me, even with mounds of activity in on-line chatrooms, hook-ups, texts, photos. We were unable to come to terms because he would not come to the table.

Without saying it, our marriage was over. It explained the breakdown of our love relationship over the past 4 of a 20 year marriage. There was alot of gaslighting going on in the last 4 years; in this, I mean his turning every conversation, inquiry, discussion about life, marriage or anything - back on me, and making feel like there was something wrong with me emotionally, professionally, personally, mentally and even physically. It's left me in a unique and challenging place in my life, trying to re-build confidence, self-image, self esteem, motivation, trust, social relationships, self-reliance, my belief system, acceptance. It's a lot.


When I left, I was just in shock. I started counseling before I left, and have continued in my new home state...twice a week. There is profound grief for the betrayal part of this, the loss of my marriage, my dream of love, losing my friend, watching him stay ITC and needing to keep his secret. Yes, I'm definitely grieving, but this is a good thing. I thought I would easily pick myself up on the other side, even though the counselor suggested before I left, to prepare myself for the grief.

We also mediated our own settlement and divorce; and didn't even hire lawyers to go for more benefits for either side - in the spirit of my needing to get the hell out of there and know that I had a way to financially survive on the other side....quickly. I had a really hard time living with him and accepting that this is the way our marriage ended.


Did I mention that I'm 60...he was younger than me. So I'm starting over, and though I look young - it ain't easy in ageist America. And this is what it is like for me, having chosen to leave. I've now learned that in the relationship we created a codependence. He was sending me on lavish vacations, allowing me to shop as I pleased. But we had no friends or social life, and I was kept isolated, until I became only his house keeper and roommate. I'm now having the benefit of a bit of hindsight and take responsibility for knowing there were signs and ignoring them. Our initimate life was nearly non-existant and I actually verbally suggested to him that he was gay because of the lack of connectivity between us sexually.  Though in a long term marriage, you think the relationship will weather the storm and recover..so I stayed too long at the party.

I'm pretty devastated still. Confused, crying (not quite as much, but it comes and goes), in and out of feeling like participating in daily life, not sure where to work, where to make friends. Still not wanting to socialize. I tried an online chat room, but the hook-up culture is a turn-off for me. Having the tightest budget ever...starting over is expensive. Counseling suggests I give myself time, self love and compassion to move through the stages of grief. It's a roller coaster. Someone told me that the price of love is the pain of it's loss. And may I add, the freaking stress.

In closing, I make myself not picture, my husband in his new ITC Trans life, or worry about his journey. We still communicate, though not as often, lots of texts, about the dog and the support, so some of the stressors remain; as we transition through this and try to come out on the other side as friends...because there is no other option. I hope to check back in further down the road with a more uplifting story of recovery. I'll continue counseling and bit by bit restablish myself, get healthy physically and emotionally. I hope my journey helps you feel that all you are going through is okay, and that if it is too much, or you need any assistance understanding your transition, that you seek professional help. It's really helped me. This too, shall pass. Right?

Last edited by EliciousATL (May 2, 2019 1:35 pm)

 

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