OurPath Open Forum
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1 of 1- Rg
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What now?
I am 57 years old and recently found my husband of 33 years is gay. It has been an awful year and a half with him doing crazy things, lying about everything, marriage counseling, saying he is committed to the relationship while trying to live a double life. He really wanted both worlds. He moved out last week and although it is hard it is easier not seeing him. Trying to deal with this is unbelievably difficult. I started a new FT job two days after he told me so I am dealing with the stress of that, caring for my 95 year old mother and this. How do I move forward? I’m going to file for divorce but am so scared. I also found out he was keeping financial secrets from me that have created a lot of debt. Can anyone offer any emotional advice as well as any practical/legal advice on protecting myself?
- jkc1214
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Re: What now?
I, unfortunately, can't offer any practical advice, but I can offer lots of moral support. You are not alone, even if it seems that way. There are many people on this board with stories very similar to ours. I'm 50, still living with my husband and have never felt so alone in all my life.
Reach out whenever you need to...this group has been very supportive for me so far.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: What now?
Rg wrote:
I am 57 years old and recently found my husband of 33 years is gay........How do I move forward? I’m going to file for divorce but am so scared. I also found out he was keeping financial secrets from me that have created a lot of debt. Can anyone offer any emotional advice as well as any practical/legal advice on protecting myself?
First things first. You are not alone.....but if you have somebody you feel you can confide in. A friend, family member you know will keep your confidence. Actually, if he's already moved out....it makes telling others much easier, this is your life he's done this to...you owe him nothing.
KIA KAHA
- Abby
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Re: What now?
The best practical/legal advice I can offer is to consult an attorney who can advise you on the financial secrets your husband has kept. Going forward you are going to want to keep your earnings and savings separate and you will need to be sure that you do not do anything that could make financial matters worse for you. Divorce can come later.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Rob
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Re: What now?
Rg,
A sad welcome. Sigh.. Sometimes I dont know which is worst.. the gayness or the lies and deceit ...both really I guess as the gayness is a fundamental secret...if they can lie about that lying about financial things is a small matter I guess.
I reccomend you read the first aid thread. The emotional support system you need to build can help with strength to handle the legal/financial matters also. Its a double punch to be in shock with the lies and then figure out do deal with money etc.
I offer from reading your posts that you sound like you have some strength already ..starting a job.. Definitely start by opening a checking account for yourself. Small baby steps.
In regards to divorce I absolutely recommend a lawyer.. remember these spouses may be entitled to half of everything. the house, the cars.. but they are also entitled to half of the debt.. maybe more if its in his name only. Gather strength to find a lawyer that is experienced in divorce law in your area and understanding. That is the one of the first steps in what is called 'protecting yourself'. I cried though the whole thing.. but; Its sad but necessary thing; when you have a pipe break you call a plumber, when you have a lying, cheating spouse you call a lawyer.
A kind e-hug (virtual but sincere and authentic)
Last edited by Rob (November 26, 2018 12:56 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Rg
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Re: What now?
Thank you all for the advice and kind words. This journey is so unbelievably hard. My heart goes out to all of you as well. Can you tell me how long does it take before you begin to feel better?
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: What now?
....... Can you tell me how long does it take before you begin to feel better?
It's been 2 years since I felt my world explode. I'm still with my partner, but have unraveled and learned so much
about myself, and become stronger and more accepting that we more than likely won't be together in another two years.
This is no journey for the weak...this journey will teach you strength
KIA KAHA
- Abby
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Re: What now?
I'm 8 years since he disclosed; 7 1/2 years since he moved out and 4 years since we were divorced. I began to feel better in one sense as soon as he disclosed because it explained all his visits to gay friends and lengthy phone conversations and being absent even when he was there. Also the years of no sex and feeling that I was being punished for doing something so bad it could not be spoken of or forgiven although I had no idea what it was. Accepting that this was not my fault was freeing.
Like you I was out of the work force and away from my field too long to pick up the pieces so the financial worries and "What will I do with the rest of my life?" panic sprang to life immediately. I talked to several attorneys and an accountant and that got me a set amount of support and a sense of what my finances would look like in the future. He came to his senses when his attorney let him know that he was not going to get out of a 30+ year marriage cheaply and he cooperated to keep legal expenses down. Delaying the divorce was to allow the housing market to recover to receive a decent price.
I did not date until more than a year after he moved out and then it was unplanned. I think it is best to not look for someone else until you have found yourself. A man who values his own mental health will steer clear of someone in the midst of a divorce and one who does show interest may be a hot mess himself.
You will be in a learning curve and you need to give yourself time to make sure that you do not fall back into (what for me) was the pattern of deferring to my husband's decisions to try to make the relationship work.
You will start to feel better as you discover your competencies. Show yourself some love and kindness. Make new memories.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: What now?
......I think it is best to not look for someone else until you have found yourself.
Awesome advice
KIA KAHA