"vowing he never actually broke the marriage bond" - in his opinion or yours? Some might argue that thought is as serious as deed. If he's been hiding a secret life can you accept anything he declares with 100% certainty? Protecting the closet is often-times the most important thing to the in-denial spouse. It sounds like you have made some decisions and are moving forward. I wish you a speedy journey.

Last edited by Daryl (November 24, 2018 3:41 pm)

Thanks for your words Daryl and jkc1214. When we were young he experimented with transexual sex through answering ads for prostitutes in the back of a tabloid, stating he found one by accident, even during our first year of marriage when I "caught him". He was as a "partier" and I chalked it up to youth and just that. Experimentation. There was so much right with our early marriage and partnership, that I think he, himself hid his own sexuality...even from himself; and still is, although he has been acting on it in private for at least 3 years that I know of. I knew later in our marriage (beginning year 10) that our intimate/sexual relationship lacked, that there was little or no PDA, hand holding, arm around the shoulders, he always walked ahead of me and had a repressed sexuality not expressive in bed, no real focus on mutual pleasure-it was more an act, which I did not subscribe to, didin't know how to change, so eventually I became withdrawn, unsatisfied. I even accused/suspecteddd/confronted him of being a GH - noting the difference between previous relations with HM. He did not want to build a social life for us of friends and entertaining. He drank to excess often passing out on the couch and began to become a workaholic, working long hours 6 days a week. Yet he was involved in our relationship, we travelled and made a beautiful home; he was generous and gave me a lavish lifestyle. I felt he threw money at me to make up for the lack of closeness and told me repeatedly what a good provider he was. My circumstance is unique in that there is an age difference of 15 years between us. So we entered different phases of life as well. He is very sad as well. We love each other and this is a difficult decision but I believe the right one for me. He would be willing/wants to stay married, however I no longer want to be without the affection, passion, intimacy and freedom to make a social life, friends etc....that I desire. I realize that I was a major caretaker in the relationship while he was too - he was not honest with me in any way. OMG I could go on and on. Betrayal is the main word here and frankly, shock...though hind sight is always 20/20.
 

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.  So much of what you've said, resonates with me.  My husband used to joke that he hated public displays of affection, but his humor could be pretty weaponized.  I don't think he ever understood how a small thing like "holding hands" or "walking down the street side by side" could be so meaningful to me.  We'd go to Paris and he'd be walking ten paces ahead of me; I'd look at the other couples and I was so jealous of everybody else, who got to stroll down the street enjoying the atmosphere.

After 24 years of marriage, I figured out how to read his text messages, and I could see him using endearments and pet names for some of the guys he was cheating on me with, and it was just like a knife twisting in my back -- all that time he was just making excuses.