OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 - jkc1214
- Member
Offline
Got tested for STD's today.
That was a new one on me. Felt like an idiot at the doctor's office having to say my husband cheated on me. He still swears he didn't but I don't believe anything he says about that now. Thanks to a needle stick at work a few months ago I know I don't have to worry about HIV or Hep C.
In the meantime, my husband made us an appointment for marriage counseling. I feel that this is a step in the right direction. It will help prove to him that his actions are not normal for a straight man. I was hoping he'd get some therapy for himself but no such luck there. I need him to make peace with who he really is so that my leaving is not such a horrible thing. I don't want my kids to see me as the homewrecker but unless he truly comes out, it won't seem that way. It will be that I'm abandoning him. And that is so unfair to me. But I guess nobody ever said life was fair, right?
Anybody do the MC thing? What can I expect?
- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: Got tested for STD's today.
No such counseling..my GX wanted out of the marriage..slash and burn.
I did go to therapy for myself and it helped tremendously.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: Got tested for STD's today.
"Anybody do the MC thing? What can I expect?"
I decided *I* needed counseling for me first, then surprise-surprise...my partner agreed to couple's counseling. I just about fell off my chair, he's not somebody who likes to be put under a microscope. Initially the counselor thought we were just your average couple having 'normal' problems but as we made progress I was able to bring up the subject of his bisexuality.
If course it then got too intrusive, too uncomfortable...and he refused to go, said it was like he was on trial.
I can definitely say it was a waste of time, but only after we had actually tried it so I think of it as a step along the path of the straightspouses journey.
Counseling for you? Super important. This is your life, not his. You need it for the strength it will give you and if the counselor doesn't 'fit'....try another one.
As for getting tested for STIs....yeah I never expected the feeling of shame when the nurse talked about....to be continued....I'll be back!
I'm back 
...yeah I never expected the feeling of shame when the nurse talked about how many people I was sleeping with and how it was imperative that protection was used....because I'd said no to the open r'ship years before and I wasn't sleeping with anybody else.
But nowadays I deal only with my doctor. He knows all about what I'm dealing with and contacts me himself with no middleman (nurse)...by text or email.
For the first year after my partners admission of a desire to experiment with men I got tested every 3 months. All tests were clear.
The embarrassment of asking & going for an STI test will never be as great as the trauma of being told you have one.
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (November 23, 2018 3:53 pm)
KIA KAHA
- OpenWound
- New member
Offline
Re: Got tested for STD's today.
I felt really stupid when I went to get my STD tests as well. The doctor kinda brushed it off; "You're not looking for blood tests or anything, right?" I was able to remain completely calm when I told her that I would be needing the full series of tests since my husband had been cheating on me with a man for six years. She had the full 'loud gasp/hand over mouth/hold it for a few seconds' response.
We went to MC for a few months but then it went downhill after it came out that my GIDH had been lying to both the therapist and I about how long he had actually been cheating on me. Six months vs. six years. Minor details.
As for what to expect at MC, I believe that will depend greatly on the type of therapist you see. I personally felt like the process was really slow. Our MC did a preliminary basic session with both of us then asked to see us individually 2 times each and then back together again. I sometimes felt like she was too easy on my GIDH but her style was just really gentle.
Whatever happens, I can't echo this enough:
"Counseling for you? Super important. This is your life, not his. You need it for the strength it will give you and if the counselor doesn't 'fit'....try another one."
And while our MC wasn't particularly productive, it was extremely helpful to me and my personal process/journey. Wishing you good luck....
- Duped
- Member
Offline
Re: Got tested for STD's today.
Getting tested is a great thing for self-care, as crappy as it is.
It took me 9 months to pluck up the courage to get tested, even though he had been at my insistence (just couldn’t believe a thing that he said, wouldn’t have put it past him to fabricate the results). I was lucky in that I saw a consultant not a nurse and when I explained that my ex had been advertising for sex with men, and my previous ex had also done the same she was just lovely. She said she’d already had 3 closet bisexual men in their 60s in that day who were going home and sleeping with their wives , she was totally sympathetic and it really helped. That was my turning point to starting to moving on, once I had that set of negative results I could breathe again.
I hope yours are the best result possible
- Laurence
- Member
Offline
Re: Got tested for STD's today.
We had 8 months of marriage counseling and during that time the affair continued despite denials etc. So I don’t have a high opinion of its usefulness. Depending on the counselor it can be used to extend the marriage where it should have been terminated.
I do think individual counseling is beneficial in this particular situation.
- jkc1214
- Member
Offline
Re: Got tested for STD's today.
Thanks for all the replies!!! I can't say how much it helps to know that I'm not alone in this problem, even though I wouldn't wish this on anyone else in the world. I got an email from my doctor that all tests were negative. She was awesome actually and tested me for everything except herpes as I have no lesions to worry about. I left out the fact that he is gay and just said he cheated and that was enough for that visit.
As for counseling, I both dread it and can't wait to go. But I think I'm setting myself up for failure...I want it to reveal to him that he is, indeed, gay and that we should be splitting up. I wish I knew why that was so important to me but it is. I guess time will tell if MC helps me reach that goal or not.
- •
Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: Got tested for STD's today.
jkc1214 wrote:
.....As for counseling, I both dread it and can't wait to go. But I think I'm setting myself up for failure...I want it to reveal to him that he is, indeed, gay and that we should be splitting up. ....
Going to couples counseling may be good for realising you should be splitting up, but will involve your husband in a decision that ultimately will benefit you. Think of it as "a step on the path of your journey"
Good luck
KIA KAHA
- IgnoranceWasBliss
- Member
Offline
Re: Got tested for STD's today.
So relieving your test results were all negative. I don't understand why doctors leave out herpes testing. It is ranked very high on the list for gay men along with hpv. I was absolutely petrified to go in for my testing I went as soon as I found out my GIDEX was cheating on me with transvestite men. I will never forget the look on that doctors face.
Last edited by IgnoranceWasBliss (November 23, 2018 9:45 pm)
- jkc1214
- Member
Offline
Re: Got tested for STD's today.
So relieving your test results were all negative. I don't understand why doctors leave out herpes testing. It is ranked very high on the list for gay men along with hpv. I was absolutely petrified to go in for my testing I went as soon as I found out my GIDEX was cheating on me with transvestite men. I will never forget the look on that doctors face.
Well, unless you have a lesion, there isn't anything to culture. I suppose she could have ordered blood work but if it came out positive there would be nothing for her to do until an outbreak occurs. It's not like chlamydia which can be treated once and that's it. Unfortunately, with herpes, once you have it, you have it for life. So, treatment is just to help make the outbreak less severe. If I develop a lesion or an outbreak I'll have it tested at that time. I had a pap a few months ago that was negative for HPV.
My husband swears he hasn't had sex with anyone else during our marriage. I'm not inclined to believe that but at least now I know I'm safe from any diseases or infections. I hated having to ask the doctor for the testing but it's a huge weight off my shoulders to know I'm okay. Step one done!!! Now onto step 2...starting some counseling. Step 3 will be to move into the in law apartment in my house full time. That will be the toughest one as it will involve telling my kids I want out of the marriage.
- •
Thread Starter