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November 23, 2018 1:56 pm  #1

Hey, does this beard match my dress?

Looooonnnngggg time lurker.  First time poster.  Hello, fellow SSN members.  I want to thank everyone who has posted and shared.  I often feel very alone but you remind me that I’m not.  Thank you.

I found out almost a year ago that my GIDH had been cheating on me for 6 years with a man he found on CL. 

I knew he was bi-he identified as such and we had that discussion when we first (technically second) got together 12 years ago. We've been friends since we were in middle school and even dated in high school. I'd heard rumors that he was gay when we were in our early 20s. I'm super open and have had a lot of different experiences myself so I didn't give it much thought. When we reconnected in our late 20s, I asked him if he would be comfortable being solely with a woman (basic monogamy) and if I was enough for him. He said he loved me, he wanted me, and I was enough. I believed him and that was good enough for me so we moved forward in our relationship.

Fast forward 2 years into marriage and sex starts waning. Not from me but from him. I ask him about it. I offer all kinds of crazy stuff but nothing. Sex goes from bad to worse to non-existent. I beg. I plead. Nothing. He completely shut me off. He basically told me he was asexual. Didn't want sex with me or anyone. Or anything. Just no sex. Made me feel like a crazy rapist or something so I told myself that everything else about our relationship was great so should I really be so hung up on something like sex??? (YES!) But I told myself no and worked to make our sexless marriage the best it could be. Fast forward to now and here we are – 11 years married with 3 kids and a HUGE elephant in the room.

I’m crushed, devastated, all those terrible things.  He’s sorry.  He feels terrible for hurting me. Blah, blah, blah. He wants to work on us and stay together.  So much. In the beginning, I wanted that more than anything.  However, as I work through this process, I no longer think that’s the best plan.  I don't know that it – we, this, us - can work no matter how hard either one of us would want it to. I'm not a man and I don't have the same equipment a man has so I can never make him feel the way his boyfriend did. Or any man for that matter!! I've offered strap-ons but he told me "that's not what you're for". What I'm for???? WTF?!? Am I just a cover??? I birthed 2 of our children so maybe I'm just a baby making machine??

I've asked a million questions. Mostly just trying to figure out where I stand and what my chances are. I just want to understand.  He still claims he's 100% bi and likes men and women completely equally but I don't buy all that. Really? He claims he loves me so much and wants to be with me forever and grow old together and he will do everything to prove it to me. But......he said basically the same thing 12 years ago when we got together and here we are. What happens when 1, 2, 4, 6 years down the road sex stops again? What happens when he decides he wants/needs/etc. to be with a man but I'm not cool with that?

I hate that this has happened.  I’m so hurt and confused.  I think I wish he would just admit to being gay but he’s currently in that ‘sexually gay, emotionally straight’ oh yeah, and 'completely bi' phase.  While also telling me that I’m all he wants and needs and I can make him happy forever.  Ha!  Please know I absolutely understand that sexuality is fluid and people typically ebb and flow well beyond standard societal labels but this?  Wow.  Just wow. 


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