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1 of 1- KitKat
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Apparently STBX told the kids weeks ago about GD.
So in talking to my kids last night they mentioned that their dad spoke to them about him having gender dysphoria. I also realized they have no idea what that means and what their dad is doing! My 13 year old said gender something and that it means he likes some girl things. I have gathered that they don’t understand that it means he wears dresses, heels, makeup, and a bra with fake boobs. They also don’t realize he goes out to queer women events dressed like that.
I figure he’s trying to ease them into this with wearing a women’s shirt here and there or women’s jeans or a little mascara. I think he’s going to go slow enough that they don’t ask questions or feel too uncomfortable all at once. I don’t want my kids to be ok with any of it! I think it’s bullcrap that you can wake up one day and be a different person like it supposedly just happened! If that’s the case I guess I should live in fear I may wake up wanting to be a man someday. 45 years old and suddenly he can’t control himself or his urges to be something he will never be? I guess wearing costumes everyday is more important than I was or being a father was.
I keep telling my kids that if they ever don’t like something that their dad is doing or I’m doing, then they should say something. How the heck did I end up here? Thanksgiving was hard enough as he called the kids from his parents house. I had my kids, but none of my family lives anywhere near me, it felt lonely as I’d normally be with his family. I still have to get through a kids birthday and Christmas alone because of his stupid ass! I really pray 2019 is better as the last 3 years have been crap, although turning 40 and a divorce at the same time may make it worse.
Last edited by KitKat (November 23, 2018 1:49 pm)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Apparently STBX told the kids weeks ago about GD.
KitKat,
I'm sorry Thanksgiving was hard. I hope you were able to enjoy your kids. It was my first Thanksgiving after my divorce earlier this month, and I was able to enjoy having my adult son over for dinner. I, too, kept thinking that my ex elevated his private fantasies over me and our life together. My ex is in the closet and intends to stay that way; my son doesn't know: I've told him only that we didn't divorce after 36 years for no reason, and that the reason has to do with his dad, and is his dad's to tell him, but that if he asks his dad, his dad intends to tell him "some things are private." At one point, alone in my apartment and trying to cook a smaller version of Thanksgiving dinner in a smaller and not yet familiar kitchen, and finding repeatedly that I didn't have a utensil or pot or dish, I suddenly got so angry at my ex--like out of the blue I was yelling at him as if he were standing there right in front of me.
Maybe next year we'll be able to think about creating new traditions for ourselves and with our smaller-through-no-fault-of-our-own families. Maybe that's a way you can get through the next month, too? I think it helps to consciously decide to do something different; maybe your birthday child might have an idea? Over at ChumpLady.com this week, people have been posting about the way they coped with the holidays after their spouses cheated on them, and there are some really good ideas. Just as I have felt like the term "trans widow" suits those of us whose husbands have decided they're not men anymore, I have always felt a kinship to the women and men whose partners took up with other men and women; to me it's as if my ex brought another woman into our life and into our bed, and said, "Enjoy her and love her like I do!" Except, of course, he was both the "cheater" and also the other woman. So we were also left for "the other woman," and the devastation is real. We have to remember that alone we are at least not subjected to the 24/7 of the crap three years (that's how long it was for me, too, after my then husband's disclosure). I know this is harder for you because you have children at home, and you'll be having to deal with the effect on and damage to your kids.
I wasn't sure from what you said about telling your kids to speak up if you or their father does something they don't like whether this applied to the cross dressing and other feminizing activities, and whether you've spoken with them about their father. But if he's now told them (behind your back), you should feel free to speak freely to them about what their father is doing in ways they can understand.
So sorry, KitKate, for what you're going through and this very difficult period in what ought to be such a joyful season of family time.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 23, 2018 2:23 pm)
- Haven
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Re: Apparently STBX told the kids weeks ago about GD.
Relatively new to this site, still reading some older posts. I have a CDH who is exploring question of transgender, married 30+ years, adult children, After reading, listening, talking to counselors, I told him that the kids needed to know (1. Especially if we split but even if we don't split 2. Will help them understand some issues they experienced when younger like dad's hyper moralistic stances as a way for him to control his urges, etc) I made it very clear that I thought they needed to know, optional for him to tell them but if not, I would tell him as I have decided I do not not to stay in his closet. Or be his closet. He was reluctant but talked to his own counselor who confirmed it was a good idea so has agreed to tell them. He wants to tell them face to face which is reasonable but I will be nudging if no reasonable progress. When the crossdressing thing came up many years ago, I let myself be silenced by his fear of anyone knowing & how it might impact his career. But now that he is exploring his gender dysphoria (after me making many accommodations for him and his career, etc), I have decided this is something that has impacted the entire family and I don not think there is any requirement for me to stay silent, particularly with our children. From the research, I have done, kids sometimes already know & have a clue or they feel as betrayed as a spouse for being kept in the dark for so long.
- walkbymyself
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Re: Apparently STBX told the kids weeks ago about GD.
Haven, your instincts are solid on this.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.