Not sure about others, but the worst time for me is in the early mornings, when I wake up too early and the mental wheels start turning. Even before this, it was a bad, but now it’s torturous. I have to just get up sometimes to ease the panicked feelings.

I’ve been thinking about the woman that my wife fell in love with. She’s a mutual friend, although somewhat new, so I haven’t totally gotten to know her. She’s a really outgoing, fun-loving person with a bigger than life personality. She is a wonderful person and I don’t want to harbor resentment towards her, though there is a natural instinct to demonize her because ultimately she is taking my wife away.  I see her posts on Facebook and I have these feelings of jealousy. 

My thought is that at some point, maybe soon, I’d like to meet with her and talk through what is happening. Express that I am supportive of their new life together, and that I don’t want to hate her. I realize that this sounds insane, but my logic is that I will be able to better cope with the feelings I’m having if I can get over the hurdle of confronting her and having a heart to heart.  I imagine that she will express her sympathies, I can express my support (although extremely painful to accept) for my wife’s new direction.

One of the most important steps my wife and I are taking is to disclose the situation to the children.  I feel like i would be in a more comfortable position to have that talk if I’ve connected with the “new Mom”.  The kids love her now and I don’t want them to hate her for splitting up their parents. I also feel that it will be a powerful message to them to know that I have spoken with her directly and expressed my support.

Like I said, this all sounds a little insane when I write it out, but these are my thoughts of the moment, and I’d really like to hear what others think about this, what I should watch out for, if it’s just a bad idea, too early or anything else that can help me move forward.

Thank you.

J

Last edited by Jaybird (November 19, 2018 9:05 pm)

Jaybird wrote:

....I see her posts on Facebook and I have these feelings of jealousy......

Facebook can be the Devil sometimes. But social media is hard to resist
 

Jaybird wrote:

Not sure about others, but the worst time for me is in the early mornings, when I wake up too early and the mental wheels start turning. Even before this, it was a bad, but now it’s torturous. I have to just get up sometimes to ease the panicked feelings.

I experienced the same.  I'm normally not a morning person.  I would sleep til 9 AM every day if I could.  But in the weeks after discovery I would wake up at 4:30 AM regularly.  I remember vividly those mornings.  Waking up and coming out of a dream where life seemed normal.  As I started to orient myself all of the trauma of current events would start to flood in.  I would cry and shake and have anxiety attacks.  I was a complete mess.  

What you are going through is a physical sign of emotional trauma.  It is very real.  Do what you can to mitigate this.  Have you considered sleeping meds to help you sleep better and longer?   Have you gone to see a Dr. yet to discuss your health as you start to navigate this journey?

Jaybird wrote:

I’ve been thinking about the woman that my wife fell in love with. She’s a mutual friend, although somewhat new, so I haven’t totally gotten to know her. She’s a really outgoing, fun-loving person with a bigger than life personality. She is a wonderful person and I don’t want to harbor resentment towards her, though there is a natural instinct to demonize her because ultimately she is taking my wife away. I see her posts on Facebook and I have these feelings of jealousy.

I felt (still feel) the same way.  This is perhaps a shortcoming on my part.  I've seen and heard others who have established friendships with their ex spouse's new partners.  I've heard of these people who are able to separate the poor choices their partner made and not project anger or hate toward the 3rd part.  I admire those people.  That seems like a very mature and compassionate way to act.  I think freeing yourself of that hate and anger is very healthy.  If you can do that..  wonderful. 

I can't. 

I still hate the other woman. She stole and destroyed the most important thing in the world to me (my family).   She knew damn well that it is improper to flirt with, develop emotional connections with, and then have physical intimacy with someone else's partner.  In doing those things she committed the worst, most hurtful and evil act any human being has ever done to ME.  I hate her for it.  I know I shouldn't.  I know I'm supposed to forgive and not hold on to hatred.  I'm supposed to "love thine enemy".  But I haven't figured out how to do that.  

If you can do this..  I applaud you.  

i love getting input. Especially when the opinions vary.

I have decided to give some time to meeting up with the other woman. It is something I intend to do, and I think it will work out fine. I just need to get my feet under myself a little more. I talk to my wife often and I’ve realized that  I can be very rational and logical about the situation during our discussions, even somewhat optimistic, but in the quiet moments during the day my emotions are not consistent with my reasoning. I am still in so much pain and getting used to the reality of losing her.

I feel fortunate that my wife and I are working together and maintain our love for each other, though not romantically.  Last night we discussed the journey ahead for us and one of the challenging aspects is that we are both in very different positions. I am losing her against my will, whereas she is losing me to make room for a more honest and better existence.  She has expressed that she wants me to take the time that I need, but because I don’t even want it to happen in the first place, that is a difficult judgment for me to make. In one way I want to take my time, but  in another way I want to rip the Band-Aid off.  At this point I think I need to follow my heart with the goal of getting through it as quickly as makes sense.

One thing that both of us are unclear on is the roadmap to the other side. I would love to get others input on what the steps are that we will need to take to fully get through this, and what things may be important to consider during each of these steps.  I don’t know what a reasonable timeframe is for each of the steps either. Do we want to get through it as quickly as possible, or is there a reason to just settle in to a process, using our heart has a guide on when to move forward.  It’s obviously still very early, but I don’t want to get caught waiting for something to feel better when it’s just never going to.

Thank you all for hearing me and helping me.

On the topic of religion.   I used to clutch my bible as my GX screamed and raged at me..  It was definitely a time of  realizing that God was still with me..  he was always with me.   He did send angels to help in the form of a lawyer, family, friends, therapist, priest,  folks on the SSN.   an army of angels.   

God would not want us to stay in an abusive marriage.. that is not what marriage is all about.    Know that
 God has a plan...we cannot see it.. it remains unknown and unseen.     But he can help get you through this finite time and and get you to a place away from the abuse..