Walkby:
    On Saturday and Sunday I had some sadness, but nothing like the grief I felt last March when I first moved in to my new place.  It was sobering to really really feel that it's all me now.  But yesterday and today I have felt a strange and unaccustomed feeling of no anxiety and relaxation.  It's been so long since I was tension and anxiety free that I was suspicious of the feeling.  Appearing before the judge had the effect, for me, of hammering home beyond longing that we were really done, which has helped me begin to stop thinking of the past and to focus on MY future.
   We didn't do mediation, except for one meeting my ex insisted on because he was convinced we could use mediation instead of a lawyer, and had to discover for himself that I was right that we couldn't substitute a mediator for a lawyer.  
   Expect him to be unreasonable.  And don't back down from 50%--or whatever feels right to you. Go for assets like the house over maintenance, is the word on the street, because some of these people will cut their employment just to stop paying you. In my case the ex came out with more than 50% of our marital assets, but I was ok with giving him a good deal on the house (he bought it from me) because I didn't want to have to be the one to oversee repairs and stage and sell it--and it was poetic justice, because for 20 years I've been responsible for everything to do with it, and I know what will need fixing when/if he sells it, and therefore know he'll be spending more than the money it looks like he got away with to fix it.  And will have to do all the monitoring and hiring and overseeing himself.  
   I'm sure you have a good lawyer you feel comfortable with; if not, get one!   This is your ONE chance to make things equitable.  Insist on an equitable distribution.

OOOC, I'd wanted my husband to buy me out of my share of the house -- he'd originally suggested he wanted to keep it -- but at the mediation he'd changed his mind and now felt the house would need to be sold.  We also discussed the issue of support payments, and how he wants to retire in two years -- the mediator explained that a judge is likely to reduce his support obligation in that event.  That's part of what really upset me; my husband's version of what he feels is separate versus joint would leave him walking away with twice as much of a settlement as he'd give me, and if I can't make up the shortfall by getting reliable maintenance payments, I'm not sure where it leaves me.

I’m very new to this group. I’m grateful to have found it. 15 months ago my husband lost his job. He provided several lies before telling me the truth. He was terminated for visiting adult stores they were gay adult stores. For the first eight months I went into protective mode worried about him helping him to find a new job and I ignored anything I  thought or felt. He has denied being gay or even being bisexual. He would not go to counseling. He went one time the therapist explained that I have been traumatized and he did not like that and refuse to go back. I asked him to move out in September and he did. He insisted he loves me and I wanted to believe him. A week after he left he sent an email to a bisexual men’s Group asking to join and still continues to lie. I am heartbroken devastated and have become a very good investigator. Since he left in September not only did he send an email about joining a men’s group he is also called gay resorts. I have cried just about every day for the last 15 months.  He still continues to lie. When does the heart hurt go away?There was always something  a little off .  He was very involved in our  church and what I thought was a good Christian man I had occasionally thought that he was gay but I neglected what I felt. .  We did not have a perfect marriage. Our sex life was poor. That was our biggest issue. His lack of interest made me very insecure. However he was my best friend we did everything together I feel  completely lost without him. What I can’t understand is why he doesn’t? When will the healing start ? When does the hurt, the questions and the crying stop?  I have been incredibly understanding  feeling bad that he was unable to admit who he was. As time goes on I am realizing he is just not a good person. He did not give me the same courtesy that I gave to him. He watched me cry he watch me not be able to get out of bed on Some days and still continued to lie.
Completely heartbroken.

Last edited by Lorii1969 (November 20, 2018 10:14 pm)

Thank you Rob.

YOU GO GIRL!! 
What a battle you've had to fight. Sounds to me like you've won!
(xoxox smiles claps and all those other emojis..)