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1 of 1- MomOfFour
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Stunned and Shattered
My husband of 27 years, who started dating me 33 years ago, apparently has been trolling for male and female “friends for naked fun” on a website devoted to such encounters, as we learned last week. First claimed looking for women, then said women and men and groups. Claims to have only met with two men on two separate occasions, however has been diagnosed with herpes and crabs since the time he has been a member. Blames me, blames the website, says he IS NOT GAY because he did not enjoy his partners and does not even want to see them again Our family members told him we would accept whatever orientation he chooses with love, but he insists that he “IS NOT GAY” despite the two encounters and despite continued solicitation on site for men and women and MM MW couples. Is very cold and detached when confronted, and mainly angry about being called gay. Upended our family life and broke our vows because he is “bored” and “wanted to try it.” First claimed encounters with women but wanted to explorie, then admitted encounters were male.
Claims that a very brief (hetero) affair I had in 2015 (for which we went to counseling, and for which I apologized, and for which he assured me I was forgiven) triggered this. He left the counselor and signed up on the friend finder site.
Our adult children are devastated by the prospect of divorce - as our marriage was seen as an example of a good partnership. Why break it up over sexual quirk! My GID husband told them first that I triggered it, and then that he isn’t gay.
I can’t stsy married, and I have few people to talk to. He guards my communication and accused me of falsely.telling people he’s gay. I am supposed to say we both cheated. I go from fear for his safety (behavior odd) to being calm, to being enraged with him. It’s been a week
Last edited by MomOfFour (November 1, 2018 5:19 am)
- Coro
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Re: Stunned and Shattered
Sorry to hear your situation. This is not your fault or triggered by your affair. Wether he wants to admit it or not, your husband is probably gay or bi-sexual. Furthermore he persistently seems to engage in sex that sounds superficial and unhealthy (herpes and crabs, yikes).
Do you have a therapist? A good friend? You need people to talk to who will support you. If you have a financial planner, talk to her/him too. A divorce lawyer will be able to tell you how things will work on that front.
Keep taking care of yourself. This too shall pass.
- MomOfFour
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Re: Stunned and Shattered
Thank you, Coro! Great advice.
I have gone from stunned, sad, calm to mad today! I have no intention of remaining in marriage though I want to have an amicable relationship going forward, for the family. I was concerned about his well being because he seemsd so odd and detached (this is truly mind boggling behavior from him, not typical - neat freak, cautious) - but now I see he displays no emotion about ending our family. He has also curiously shared details when talking to our adult kids, referring to a sex act being performed ln him in a casual term - it is as though he’s had a brain injury! Thanks to this board - I feel understanding!
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Thread Starter- phoenix
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Re: Stunned and Shattered
Hi MomofFour,
I'm so sorry you are going through this painful experience.
Only your husband knows for sure, but based on prior stories on this forum it sounds to me like he might have a same-sex attraction or perhaps is bi-sexual. I can tell you that a straight man would never have sex with another man. There is no need for exploration or experimentation because a straight man finds the idea of sexual contact with another man to be disgusting. So if your husband is actively looking for anything to do with another man that tells you a lot.
It is very normal for these men to deny very strongly that they are gay. It's a secret they have been hiding for most of their life and one of the ways they hide it is to seem like they are anti-gay or to get very angry at any suggestion that they might be. They didn't want to be gay, so they hid it and programmed themselves to strongly deny any slight possibility.
At this point I would tell you that what he claims about your prior transgressions doesn't really matter. You get to decide what you want for your future and what your story is. If you desire a divorce then you can chose that. Whether or not you made a mistake in the past is irrelevant to your decision making process today. If you want to split from a man who is actively cheating on you with multiple people, has STD's, and thinks he can control your life by monitoring your communications.. Then you should be empowered to make that decision for yourself. We are here to support you in whatever direction you decide to go.
Have you read the first-aid kit? It's a really good collection of advice developed by our forum:
Are you aware of the local face-to-face groups through the SSN? You mention that you have few people to talk to - this would be a fantastic opportunity for you to meet real people near you who have gone through exactly what you are facing.
Again, welcome to the group.
Let us know how we can help support you.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- MomOfFour
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Re: Stunned and Shattered
Thank you so much!!!!!! I appreciate the support it is just what I need!!
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Thread Starter- MomOfFour
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Re: Stunned and Shattered
Thank you so much!!!!!! I appreciate the support it is just what I need!!
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Thread Starter- Willowtree99
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Re: Stunned and Shattered
Hi I’m so so sorry your going through all of this and the family. It’s not your fault at all. Yes it wasn’t right what you did but you didn’t make he try men.
I feel your husband is Gay. Maybe bisexual but I’ve seen so many stories like yours to. A lot of gay guys say they are bi or looking for female/make so they feel less gay. Some gay men don’t want to be gay and feel guilty being with men. Some even though they may sleep with dozens of men still won’t admit they are gay.
At the moment he may be in a defence mode trying to make out his done nothing wrong “so why are yous angry” type of thing. He might not even want to admit it to himself.
Either way I’m sorry your going through this and it’s a rollercoast of emotions. It hurts. Either way what his done isn’t nice and I hope you get all the support you need.
- MasONeil
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Re: Stunned and Shattered
Consider this ... you took responsibility for your own actions. You told him what had happened and were sorry and worked through it through therapy. Your GH is NOT taking responsibility for his own actions. Instead he took the opportunity to walk away from therapy. You did not cause him to cheat, it was his choice for his own actions. Chances are he has been cheating all along.
My adult children are also stunned and shocked by my STBXGH. They have quickly come to realize that it really isn't effecting them that much. They know that we are both still their parents and as such we are still here for all of them ... we will just be living separately.
As for having a marriage that represented what a lifelong commitment ... this has hit me the hardest. I now wonder how much of my GH's poor treatment of me for the last few years has translated to my sons ... that terrifies me. I hope my sons have enough integrity and kindness to treat their partners with more respect than I was treated. (I really didn't see how bad it was until I looked back with full knowledge of my situation.) You should also consider how you were being treated when you made your own mistake, perhaps you were realizing things just weren't right all along?
You did not make him do anything! Those are all his choices that he has to own. Do not allow him to deflect his own responsibility on you. My husband tried to do that and on every instance I could look and him squarely and state ... "that's not me, that is YOU."
Forgive yourself, love yourself, take care of yourself.
Last edited by MasONeil (November 5, 2018 10:03 am)