OurPath Open Forum
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1 of 1- Struggle3123
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Where do I stand in all of this?
So, about 13 months ago I began a weight loss journey that saw me lose 75lbs. At about the same time my wife had a “sexual revival”. Our sex life shot through the roof and I was a happy man. My wife and I playfully began swapping photos, she would send me pictures of hit women and I would send her pictures of guys that I thought she might find hot. About a month in she confesses to me that “there was something about” one of the pictures she was sending me. The next day I asked her if she liked girls and she admitted that she did. At first I was like a kid in a candy store. What Straight man hasn’t fantasized about this? Well we are 11 months in and as time has gone on my brain is scrambled. She claims that she is bisexual and she’s never acted on this. I tend to believe her, but now I can’t stop thinking that the only reason she isn’t is because of our long marriage and our 3 sons. She has always been pretty shy and conservative. When I try to talk to her about how it’s affecting my head she gets very angry and she’s adamant that she is not a lesbian. She expects me to just act as if this is no big deal.
I am afraid that in 5-10 years she’s going to decide that she’s a lesbian and leave me to pick up the pieces at 55 or 60. I don’t want to pick up the pieces at 55-60.
I have tried to be understanding and encouraging, but I have NO support. She has been my best friend in my life longer than she wasn’t and I’m scared and anxious. I don’t know where I stand.
- phoenix
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Re: Where do I stand in all of this?
Hi Struggle,
Welcome to our group. I'm sorry you find yourself here asking such difficult questions and facing the potential repercussions.
Your confusion (scramble as you describe it) is normal. This is an incredibly hard thing to comprehend. The deep dark secret your wife *might* have is certainly hard to understand and the course of her life *if* she chooses to pursue that would definitely change your life significantly. So you are right to be concerned and to be struggling with this situation.
I will tell you that I think bisexuality is real. I think there are genuinely people who are attracted to either or both sexes. I hope your wife falls into this category. If so, then she should, by definition, be able to find fulfillment and enjoyment from you and never need to venture outside your marriage.
However, as a veteran of this forum I can tell you from experience that most of our spouses claimed bisexuality as a transition phase before they were ready to actually embrace and admit to who they truly are. Claiming to be bisexual is a frequent way of removing the guilt that comes with a liar who has known all along they were LGBT, but chose to marry a straight spouse in order to create the inauthentic life they desired to put forward to the world. It supports the theory that perhaps sexuality changes, so maybe they did authentically love you from the start.. after all we can't blame them for changing right? "they didn't intend for it to happen".
If you spend time reading the stories around here you will note the frequency of claiming bisexuality. You will also note that many of our spouses react angrily to being called a lesbian. It's no wonder.. they have spent a lifetime hiding a trait that the world often taunts and discriminates against.
I'm sorry if these bits of info sound pessimistic. I own you the truth about what I've observed. But that doesn't mean it's the truth about your wife. I hope for your sake that she is being honest with you and that she can truly be satisfied with you and your partnership and that it will stand the test of time.
One last small point.. I used to think my wife was going to "decide" to be a lesbian and leave me later in life. The error of my thinking is that it wasn't a decision. She always was a lesbian. It's not a choice they make. It's part of who they are. The choice is whether or not to be authentic and honest. The choice is whether they need to put sexual desire as a priority over their existing family and partnerships.
My ex-wife chose her sexual preference and found another married closeted woman and they both destroyed two families together.
Welcome my friend! I hope my honesty doesn't make things worse for you. I hope you find help and advice from our forum. I hope your wife is authentically bisexual and that you can be happy together forever.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Where do I stand in all of this?
Welcome to our forum Struggle. Many of us here have this 'tilting of the equilibrium' of our r'ship when we're older. For the last 10 years I've felt uneasy, then after the admission by my partner of a wish to explore his sexuality with men...for the last 2 yrs I've been in a whirl of not knowing where I belong.
Because I found this forum, and with the advice and support of the members here... I've learned to focus on myself, rather than torture myself with panic about my partner.
There are many more steps to take before you'll feel your world stops rocking.
I know how you feel. I'm 60 and have been with my man for more years than I haven't
KIA KAHA
- Willowtree99
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Re: Where do I stand in all of this?
Hi I think you wife may have attractions to women.but she may be honestly happily married with you and the kids and hardly think of that. We are all attracted to different things but can be completely happy and content with our partner. In the candy store stage I’m sure she would of said she was a lesbian since you took it so well or would of asked to explore further. Many female friends I know have kissed a woman or Had a threesome and never seem to want to be with women after.
Keep being a wonderful husband and I’m sure she’s happy with you and your kiddies like she says.