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1 of 1- KitKat
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I absolutely HATE him!
I can pinpoint the day I quit loving my STBX completely. It was October 25, 2018. I got a text asking for our kids again but I didn’t answer right away. Out of curiosity I got on our shared cell phone plan and I was no longer an account manager so could see or do nothing on there. I then checked our shared checking and savings account and he had moved over $6000 out of savings. I also checked our credit card and I couldn’t log in.
I texted him to ask about all 3 things. He stated that I had run up $1600 in one month on our credit card so he moved money to pay that off and split what was left so he could take his “share”. He then cancelled our credit card. The money ran up on the credit card was vet bills for our pets we got together! Only charge not pet related was a movie and snacks I took my 10 year old to. I ran as fast as I could after having a panic attack to move what was left in our savings to my own account ($4,300). I also got told he was taking over some of the bills and would be depositing an amount he decided was sufficient. I’ve done the math with his take home pay and after his bills he’s walking around with $1500 for food, clothes, etc.... Where as mine is divided by 5 people and after bills I’ll have a little over $400 ($2,000 total) per person for food, clothes, etc.
I literally hate this person who I called the love of my life for 21 years. He’s running around dressed (he’s trans apparently) going to queer women unite events and drinking with all walks of the LGBT community! He’s surrounded himself with these groups and is hateful! He still hasn’t told the kids but is wanting to spend more time with them suddenly. I think he’s trying to foster a relationship that will make it easier to gaslight them. This life sucks, I pray it gets better soon as I can’t take much more!
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: I absolutely HATE him!
KitKat,
It's also possible he wants to start spending time with your children so he can ask for more custody time and reduce his support payments in a divorce. If you're not already, I hope you will start documenting all of this behavior, from his removing money to the time spent he spends with the children, and all the demands he makes, including those about telling your children. Take screen shots or photos of texts--and if you are no longer able to manage your phone don't assume you will be able to ask the the phone provider for records. Also, run a credit check--we are all entitled to a free credit check every year, and my lawyer said to run one because you need to know what might have your name on it. The url for this is www.annualcreditreport.com.
And yes, as they dive in deeper they feel more entitled. That's what makes him believe that you should have 2000 to support five people but he should have 1500 for just himself. What is equal and/or equitable seems to them like they're getting the short end of the stick.
Don't forget you have rights. He can't just unilaterally decide what he's going to pay you or not pay you. Talk to your lawyer, and if you don't have one, get one. You need to work out a separation agreement that includes a parenting plan and specifies a level of support. You can't rely on his good will, and you can't rely on his thinking of himself as part of a family unit. You are now seeing what he's capable of. Anything he wants he will consider reasonable and only his due; everything you need to run the household (like the ability to take the pets to the vet) he will consider wasteful, unnecessary and taking away from him and his fabulousness.
- Baffled
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Re: I absolutely HATE him!
I can so relate to some of these situations. If it helps, here is what was very helpful: 1) realize you fell in love with the man he pretended to be, not the man he really is. The man he really is, is not be someone you would love. Once I got my brain and emotions around this fact, my clarity of thinking improved and I could not only see him for what he was, but also stop blaming myself and hanging on to an unhealthy relationship. 2) Get your own phone and own phone plan: You will reclaim some of your personal privacy and remove a tool for manipulation from his hands. 3) When you do communicate with him, only do it in email or text so you have written copy of all your conversations. If your spouse is anything like my ex, and it sounds like he is, you are dealing with a sociopath or a narc with sociopathic traits. You will need a paper trail for court, especially where finances and children are concerned. Get your own bank accounts. Take no more than 50% of the assets ( if you can still access them) and keep records. 4) Hire the best lawyer you can afford. 5) Document any behaviors you can that make him an unfit parent, you’re going to need these! 6) Get your own credit cards and remove your name from any joint cards. Once your name is off, you cannot be held liable for charges after date of removal. 7) Take amazing care of you! Life has something better for you and is doing everything it can to protect you and move you into the joyous and love-filled life you were created to live! Remind yourself every day of your own courage, beauty and strength!
- phoenix
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Re: I absolutely HATE him!
KitKat,
I'm sorry to hear this. What he is doing is wrong and unethical and selfish. Time to start fighting back to protect yourself and your kids.
I strongly recommend hiring an attorney. As soon as you file for divorce you can get special orders to maintain status quo financially, which will protect your finances. Then you start financial discovery to get records of what he has done with that $6k and credit cards and other issues.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Rob
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Re: I absolutely HATE him!
KK,
I just want to reiterate what others have said.. its time to have a lawyer on your side. Regardless of the how much one cost...this is really for the protecting the kids (and yourself). It is shocking to see how selfish and destructive these spouses are...like a something out of a horror movie. Legal help is needed to help mitigate the destruction they leave in their wake.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- StrongerThanIKnew
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Re: I absolutely HATE him!
KitKat, I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am currently going through the divorce process and really can't post much, but I can say that I understand what you are going through. My spouse is appalled by some of my spending because it is more than what she spends on the same thing each month. However, my bills include food, etc, for 3 people and her spending is just on her.
My spouse is also wanting to suddenly see the kids more. I think it is because if they spend more than 74 (or somewhere around that number) nights at her place then her support payments get lowered.
Like the others have said, it is time to start assembling your team. Find an attorney. They have far more experience with divorce than we do, so listen to what they have to say and seriously consider taking their advice. Document everything. If something is discussed in person, send a follow up email about it just so you have something in writing. Ask the attorney about texts. Sometimes those are acceptable and some will say no. Things said through text don't count. It has to be an e-mail or letter, so find out about documenting things where you live. If something is unclear or just not right, ask a direct question..... "Just to be clear, you are expecting me to fill in the blank." Most of all.... DO NOT ENGAGE. I know it is hard. I know you will want to defend yourself, but just back off. Do not give your spouse any ammunition that can be used later.
Also, go see your doctors. If there are any health concerns, you want them to be on record before your divorce. If your insurance is provided by his company, schedule any tests and procedures you may need to have done now while you have insurance.
Eventually, you will also want to see how much insurance will cost you each month so that you don't leave yourself short. Maybe also eventually speak to a financial planner to see about rolling your share of any retirement plans, etc, over to your accounts.
Stay strong. Read up on financial abuse and take care of yourself and those precious little ones.