Welcome DL03, 

I too married a college soccer player.  My ex tried to be straight for 2 years before marriage and 16+ years while married.  She didn't want to be a lesbian.  So she lied to me.. a lot, about a lot of things for a long time.  We were best friends and a perfect marriage outside of the bedroom and outside of all the lies which I didn't know about.  

I too never got any real intimacy from my ex.  She did everything possible to avoid intimacy.  There may have been only one or two times in 16 years that she initiated sex, and that was when she was drunk and after hanging out with her lesbian friends.  Otherwise it was a peck on the mouth and she would roll over and play on her phone or say she had a headache or any other excuse she could think of.  If I complained about the lack of intimacy she would allow me to touch her or have sex once in a while, but she would just lay there and stare at the ceiling and eventually as if I was done yet.  

16 years of the most intimate rejection possible with blaming and guilt and constant excuses will inevitably make a person question their self-worth and impact your happiness.   I was likely depressed for much of that time period and certainly quite depressed toward then end when I could tell she was falling for a married woman, yet lying to me constantly through it all.  

In the end she finally admitted to me that she was a lesbian.  I begged her with everything I had to get her to stay with me, but a couple weeks later she informed me she wanted a divorce.  I found out later that she had fallen in love and was cheating on me with this other married woman. 

I tell you my story so that you know how well I understand where you are right now.  

You know that she's a lesbian.  She is physically attracted to women and not to men.  She has told you this already and she has shown you this by not being interested in sex with you.  This won't change.  She won't someday convince herself to be attracted to you.  She's been trying for many years and she is finally coming to terms with who she is.   So the question is.. how long will she be willing to remain unsatisfied sexually in order to keep her secret hidden and raise her kids?   That might be a few more months or it might be the rest of her life.  It's hard to say how that fight will rage on in her head and which side will win out.  She might be able to stuff her sexuality down and just deal with it..  or she might not.  The fact that she admitted this to you tells me she will not.  

What do you want for your life?
Are you willing to give away more and more years to someone who doesn't fulfill you intimately?  Someone who lied to you about their sexuality?  Someone who blamed her and your own unhappiness on you? 
Are you willing to live with the stress of wondering if she's being honest with you?  Can you be happy on a day to day basis wondering who she's spending time with, if she likes that friend "more than a friend"?  Will you monitor her phone and emails to see if she's being honest with you?   Will you always have that itch in the back of your mind wondering how long this will last?  Can you plan your future with someone knowing that they might leave you for a woman?

Are you ok with her being with another woman physically?  Have you thought about open marriage options?  

Have you considered that divorce is easier on younger kids than it is on older kids?  If you both decided to wait until your kids are out of high school, is that really best for the family?  Do you think your kids won't see that you are struggling?  Do you think their lives won't be shaken when you do divorce?  

I know.. lots of questions.  I'm trying to get you to think about things from a little difference perspective.  



I'm 2 and a half years down the road.  All of the fears I had when I was sitting in your shoes came true.  But they weren't as bad as I thought they would be.  At the time I could only see loss of the life I knew.  I had no idea what I would gain later.  My life is better and happier today than it was at the time.   My kids are thriving and doing great.   I want you to know that even though you can't see it or imagine it, there is a great life ahead of you after you get through this.  I just hope you don't spend 10 or 20 more years in this storm before you find your future.