Wow, what is going on here?  If you don’t like Sean’s thread , then stay off of it.  I don’t get it.   All you have to do is see how many people have read it.  Tons who never sign up and post.   

Personally I don’t care if he is narcissus and enjoys the attention, the bottom line he is speaking the truth. And my personal opinion is that he is helping women like I wrote before.   Like they are getting the answers from him instead of their husbands.   Not everyone gets the benefit of an admission .  I read his stuff after I left my ex.  In that scary place when I could have fallen back into denial and went back to him.

   I guess people could accuse me of the same because my story was so drastic.   Especially when I was considering writing a book.   The book is off the table now.   Me volunteering for the phone lines is now off the table.   I have an entirely new focus, taking care of my new husband.  By the way Sean’s the only one who bothered to say he was sorry to hear that h
My husband broke his back at work.  Thank you Sean. 

I just logged on for a few minutes.  After 12 hours at the hospital.   I was thinking that I would probably be staying in the board because my life is going to. E taking care of my husband who will be basically bed ridden , or who knows.   What the he’ll people.   This is why I had wanted to volunteer for the phone lines.  I’ve never really been a message board person. 

Whatever, Sean I personally know that you helped me.  And I’m sure you’ve helped others.   So again THANK YOU from me.

Thanks Sean,  I was a bit shocked at some of those messages.  Glad to see your post.  It does look like most of us have not read a post from you before in which you mention your ex's confession.  It does not surprise me tho, it fits with the rest of what you have said and it is an explanation for how you feel.  

We have had a go at you endlessly about being angry at your ex and good for you for taking it - you have more than faced up to your part in the marriage - but when your anger is justified then it is justified and really you need to be supported in feeling it just like the rest of us.

oh goodness.   so sorry to have got it so wrong, Sean.  It has taken me ages to realise how many gay/lesbian marriages there are.  

And I think it says something about your character that you lasted so long.

 

Last edited by lily (October 29, 2018 5:50 am)

Welcome Sunflowerlove, although I'm sorry you've found yourself posting here. In response to your post: 

1. I just found out recently that my husband is having an affair with another man. It was just for a few months but it was hard for him to end the relationship. This basically moved my husband from a stage of curiosity to an awareness stage that he is not straight.

I agree. He's certainly not straight if he had an affair and/or a romantic relationship with another man. With regards to the affair being "just a few months", two questions:

a. Is this what he told you or something you know to be certain?
b. Does the duration make a difference?

I'm asking because it's common for cheating spouses to minimize their behaviour, saying things like, "It meant nothing" or "It happened just once." 

2. He is now not sure what he is (gay or bi or ) and is searching for the answer.

Understood. 

3. Our relationship is very rocky now...we are trying to work out our marriage but with him being uncertain of his identity our future is very uncertain.

I can imagine this is all very hard for you. After all, you didn't sign up for this. 

4. Is there any pointer that I could ask myself to find out if he is Bi or totally gay?

Before answering your questions, I have a few suggestions: 

a. Get tested for STDs as soon as possible. 
b. Contact the Straight Spouse Network (SSN) to find a contact, meetings, or sponsor in your area. 
c. Find a counsellor or mental health professional (perhaps through the SSN), who has experience with gay/straight marriages.
d. Create your own thread and share your entire story here. The members are very kind and helpful.   

With regards to the "is he gay or bi" question, I am 100% gay, don't have any bisexual friends, and as such am not an authority on bisexuality. So please gage my opinion accordingly. I reckon a bisexual husband demonstrates an attraction to both men and women. On the other hand, from the beginning most gay-in-denial (GID) husbands aren't particularly interested in sex with their wives. So the marriage is never very sexual, the kisses are dry, and sex eventually stops altogether, likely when he finds other sexual outlets like gay porn, chats, or in-person hook ups with other men.

Now I want to put that in context. There is often a 'honeymoon sex phase' meaning a short period of frantic sexuality when the gay husband really feels his wife/beard is about to leave him. This often happens after "discovery" of gay porn or cheating. A gay husband most fears being outed, so he'll often say or do anything to save his failing marriage...and yes this includes attempting sex with his wife. Over time, however, she's secured back in the relationship so sex drops off again. So if outside of these "honeymoon" or "panic" phases, you're still have regular, satisfying sex, then yes he's probably attracted to both sexes: male and female. And by satisfying sex I mean sex that you enjoy, not pegging your husband with dildos or strap-ons.

5. We still love each other but this whole identity and betrayal issue have cause broke the whole trust in our relationship. I kept questioning if he is able to still love me if he found out to be gay. Our kids are not aware of the issue we have yet.

Oh I feel for you and your kids Sunflower. You all deserve better. My friend I don't think any of us would define "love" as "f*cking around with other guys behind my wife's back." As you've written, that's betrayal and it hurts. In response to your question, yes a gay man is indeed capable of love. I love my sister for example. But that's platonic love. My "love" for my former wife was both false and conditional, meaning as long as she was willing to be my beard, I'd pretend to love her. 

So in response to your question, "is he gay or bi?" I reckon you already know the answer. If the intimacy has always appeared forced; you always have to initiate; you need to act like a man in the bedroom (pegging for example); the kisses are dry and without passion; he's had affairs with men (not women); and outside of marital conflict followed by a "honeymoon" you're having little to no sex; I think we can assume your husband is likely gay-in-denial.

Sorry if that stings my friend. Please feel free to write again if you have any questions. Keep coming back! 

Thanks for posting a reply Vicky. For any new members, Vicky has been posting since July 2016. She is currently in a mixed-orientation-marriage, meaning that she believes her husband to be bisexual (attracted to both men and women). Here is a link to her last post and my reply. In response to her latest post: 

1. When I asked her to define her husband's sexuality: 

"Your question, what do I believe today, I think [he's] bi[sexual] and I believe this is what he thinks based on things he's said about it and behaviours. If he never tells me I won't be surprised.  He doesn't want to talk about it and I think that is very sad.  But since this has all come out he's in a much happier place. I agree that it's not good that we can't discuss it and to be honest it drives me nuts since I'm an open book, but it's the way it is for now.  BTW pink elephant haha love it." 

My response: I think we'd agree that your husband's sexuality is something you should be able to discuss, freely and openly. I'd go so far as to say it's probably the most important issue affecting your relationship. If I remember correctly, when you were in therapy your counsellor broke out a wheel of manipulative/controlling behaviours. I reckon angrily stating that certain topics are "off limits" is a form of control, if not downright bullying. Yes perhaps he's happier but are you? If you have indeed chosen to be in a mixed-orientation-marriage (MOM), shouldn't you know what your husband is doing and with whom? I believe strong communication is the bedrock of any stable relationship, and should be the foundation for a workable MOM.  

2. She challenged me on rarely discussing bisexuality and wrote: 

"No need to apologize, what I meant is you often say he/she is gay which doesn't allow for an in between.  By no means am I an expert, just someone who's been learning a lot over the past 2.5 years. But I believe there is a huge in between, like a scale.  People who are turned on or curious by same sex are maybe 5% [gay], they don't want to partake but something about it is tantalizing, to those who go either way fluidly 50%, to the gay guy who'll flirt/kiss/have sex with a woman occasionally 95%, (I have gay friends and yes that happens).  I just made that percentage stuff up but you get what I'm saying, that there's many shades of this and I don't think people are very educated about it.  They just assume if you're a dude that is turned on by dick you're gay.  I think it's this assumption that contributes to people not wanting to be truthful." 

My response: I think you make some very good points, particularly about the stigma of liking d*ck = gay. But I do express some concerns near the end of this paragraph. I just read the following: "A 2013 poll from Pew found 40 percent of LGBT people surveyed said they were bisexual. Thirty-six percent identified as gay men and 19 percent as lesbians." And later: "A recent report from Gallup shows the proportion of LGBT people in the U.S. rose to 4.1 percent in 2016 (about 10.1 million people), which is up from 3.6 percent in 2012." If this information is correct, bisexuals are by far the largest segment of the LGBTQ community. HOWEVER, a pathologically dishonest husband who no longer has sex with his wife, is emotionally abusive, and was just caught having sex with another man suddenly claims "I'm bisexual!", I think his straight wife is right to be skeptical. I believe there is a major difference between your experience and others. If I remember correctly, I think you and he were still having regular and satisfying sex. She wrote: 

3. Having said all of that I've read some of the stories here and I do think many of the people here could very likely have gay spouses. 

I agree. If a couple hasn't had sex in years, your husband's only sexual outlet is gay porn, and he's having sex with men, there is a very strong likelihood he's gay. 

4. It's just once the shock wears off and your head clears and you can look at all the facts you know you need to be realistic and believe your gut.  For me finding out instantly made total sense and also no sense at all and that feeling is probably reflected in my earlier posts.  I believe this confusion to be because he's bisexual. 

Excellent points. 

5. Before 'discovery' I never suspected he was anything but straight because of the obvious signs that he is attracted to woman. 

Blindsided: this is a major departure from most of the stories I've read here. Most of the straight spouses posting here suspected for years. Over the years, they've found gay porn, gay chat histories, dildos, and perhaps even proof of cheating. I reckon most of the straight wives who post here suspected for years, or even decades. When first caught her husband denies it ("I was just curious"), minimizes ("It was just once"), and then a silent truce sets in. Most straight spouses start posting here after a second or third discovery, meaning when the discovery/denial cycle repeats. You are unique Vicky because you didn't suspect your husband was gay.    

6. I was very confused those early days and I wish someone had been there with a different perspective to help me sort through it.  Fortunately for me I found some help on another forum after a few months of tremendous stress.  Most everyone here told me to run he's gay I'm probably ridden with STD's but my gut just didn't feel like that was true.

As I shared in my last reply to your post, only you can determine what relationship works for you. I tend to give advice and express opinions from my own perspective, meaning from the perspective of a 100% gay man. I have ZERO attraction to women and as you rightly pointed out, I therefore don't often discuss bisexuality as a possibility because I'm not bisexual. For a time, my (then partially closeted) boyfriend claimed he was "still attracted to women." I'd then gently ask him when he last slept with a woman. He replied: "1995." So what's my point? I agree with you that once the shock of discovery has worn off, facts either prove of disprove whether an "outed" husband is gay, bisexual, influenced by gay porn, gay because of sexual abuse etc. I think the most important point is that straight spouses need to focus on their happiness. If post-discovery like Vicky a couple can work things out and be happy, then labels don't matter. If however a manipulative gay-in-denial husband starts throwing out lame excuses about bisexuality or porn addiction and nothing improves, then a straight wife is completely justified in considering separation/divorce.

And yes Vicky your post made perfect sense so thanks for sharing! Be well my friends. 

Last edited by Sean (October 30, 2018 8:37 am)

Hi Lily! What's your question?