*Note:   It is extremely rare for me to censor any posts on this board.  However we do have forum rules about being respectful and not attacking other members.  When a person signs up for the sole reason of spreading negativity and making personal attacks I will not tolerate it.  

This forum and the SSN cannot possibly please everyone and be perfectly supportive to every person.  I do my best to make this forum as helpful as possible to as many people as possible, even if that means a few might disagree.  In the specific case of Sean I would invite anyone to read the conversations and you will certainly see that nearly every person who posts here states that they appreciate his input.  He posts only here in this thread, so anyone who doesn't wish to interact with him can make that choice for themselves and steer clear. 

If someone wants to share constructive feedback I will always be receptive.  But, if you find this forum or the SSN no longer a positive and helpful place for you, you are welcome to move forward with your life and know that we wish you the best. 

 

Thank you everyone for posting. 4ever I'm so sorry your husband was injured and wish him a speedy recovery. You deserve that honeymoon! I gather from the exchanges here that a member has written something negative about me, and that Phoenix has deleted the post. I'd actually encourage Phoenix to put that message back up. If it's about putting me on a pedestal, I 100% agree. I'm no angel my friends and did many horrible things to my ex-wife and children. I've always maintained that the straight spouses are the true heroes here, not me. I'm just some gay guy posting here. Thanks to my time here, I've long since atoned for and forgiven myself for what I did. Living in the closet for most of my life made me a toxic, narcissistic, pathological *sshole. Now that I'm out and thanks to my time here, I have ZERO problem with people challenging me. In fact, some of the best exchanges I've had here are with members who question why I'm here, who challenge my opinions, and even flat-out call me names. I can't lie, I LOVE a good debate. But that wasn't always the case, particularly when I was a mentally-ill closeted cancer of a man. But I digress. 

​Every 4-5 months, an angry member calls me names, usually attacks some other (straight spouse) members as well, and makes a big (virtual) show of writing, "I'LL NEVER COME BACK HERE." I feel nothing but compassion for these women. Why? Because it's all part of the healing process. I reckon they're very justifiably writing things to me that they want to say or write to their current or soon-to-be-ex-husbands (STBXH). I am a very strong believer in the stages of grief, and this includes denial ("We no longer really talk about the gay thing. Maybe I'll just let my husband have sex with a man once a month, but we'll stay married") followed by anger ("That f*cker lied to me for ___ years! This lie of a marriage is OVER!!!"). 

​So I completely understand why so many members question my motives for posting here. When I first started posting here, it was 100% to atone for my sins. I believed that interacting with, and apologizing to straight spouses would somehow absolve me of the terrible things I did while married to my long-suffering ex-wife. But I've made some mistakes and, thankfully, when I do the kind members here immediately clap back. For example, when I first started posting here, I truly BELIEVED that I loved my ex-wife. This turned out to be bullsh*t and I now understand that my first love was my closet. Love isn't sexual neglect, lying, and cheating. While I can now comfortably say that I'm gay and never loved my ex-wife, it's taken me years to get here. So I can imagine how difficult it can be to read some of the things I've written, particularly when someone has just started their journey. 

​Several other discoveries I've made thanks to my interactions here are that: 

1. Gay/straight marriages simply don't work. Most platonic marriages with your (lying and manipulative) gay best friend eventually break down. 

2. Gay-in-denial husbands are often narcissists. I certainly am (or perhaps was now that I'm 100% out). 

​3. Straight wives display many traits common among co-dependents. My ex-wife was a black-belt co-dependent, she just wanted to heal/save me. She is the daughter of an alcoholic father and manic depressive mother.

​4. Following discovery of gay porn or cheating with men, there is often a limbo or denial stage. It's a time of negotiating with reality in a "maybe this can work" type way. Mine lasted about 18 months. This is a time when the couple either doubles down on the relationship or they just limp along in a zombie-like state, waiting for something to happen. It's a time of setting rules ("He's agreed to NEVER watch porn again"), trying to rekindle some level of intimacy ("We're in couples counselling and he's trying to have sex with me again"), or just flat-out denying the pink elephant in the room ("He refuses to speak about it. I don't trust him anymore.")   

​5. The straight spouse almost rarely hears "I'm gay" from her gay husband. After limping along for a few more years after discovery of his cheating with men, she finally accepts he's gay and won't change.  

​6. Gay/straight marriages most often end two ways: 1. the straight spouse leaves the relationship, but only when it becomes so toxic that it threatens her mental and/or physical health; 2. the gay spouse finds a new partner: either a new beard (a woman) to continue hiding his homosexuality or the gay spouse finds a new same-sex partner.

​So what's my point? I reckon most people who (virtually) lash out at me or others are simply at different stages of the healing process. I further believe that most people uncomfortable with my presence here are in the limbo/negotiating stage of their relationships: meaning the straight spouse is slowly coming to terms with the simple truth that her husband is gay, was born gay, and won't change. I'm not being critical my friends. There was a time not too long ago that I couldn't say "I'm gay" or when saying it would reduce me to tears. Why? Because it meant the end of my marriage. Because it meant hurting my children. Because it meant that most of my life was a lie. There was a time not too long ago when I would do anything to stay in my closet...because it was all I knew. So I'd encourage Phoenix to re-post our fellow member's message so we can learn from it.

​Thanks for reading friends. Be well!  

Last edited by Séan (October 27, 2018 5:17 am)

Hi Lily. Hmmm: 60-something; lawyer; very angry...sounds a lot like former member Judy writing under a new alias. Judy was one of my most agressive, vocal, and angry critics. Well let's move on my friends. Do any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband? 

Sean and Phoenix, just a few more thoughts to share on the comments downtheroad posted. I didn't appreciate her personal attack on Sean, but some of her comments resonated with me and I did find them helpful. Especially comments about using this site wisely, this site has been extremely helpful, supportive and helped me face my reality. But I truly don't want to find myself posting here in another year, I want to be able to move on, put this behind me, and I want so so badly to let go of the anger. I don't want to hold onto that bitterness. I also discovered TGT after 44 years of marriage to "my best friend," and I also thought I had "the ideal marriage." What scared me the most about her post was I don't want to have that anger, I don't want to become her, a lot of hate, a lot of hurt , a lot of suffering. 

Hi Sean,

you're still angry at your wife aren't you.  

I believe you feel ashamed for the abusive way you treated your family, but do you ever actually feel the guilt for marrying her in the first place?

my ex used to say 'I never asked to be born'

as if, as if it is an excuse.  Would you accept that from a man with aids having unprotected sex with you and not disclosing?

'I never asked to get aids'.  Personally, he can share the blame with the person who gave it to him but he has to wear the guilt of what he is doing to you, doesn't he.

so back to co-dependence - imagine this Sean - imagine if your wife really had married the straight she thought she was.  How do you think her loving and caring and unquestioningly loyal traits would have worked out for her then?  

Good man, loves her back, she'd have been just fine wouldn't she?

Last edited by lily (October 27, 2018 5:54 pm)