No he hasn't remarried.  I don't really understand.  I still want to.  Not for him but my curiosity about human nature.

I thought he looked better, now we have been apart for a while.

Talking to you is surreal, I can't imagine ever having such a normal back and forth conversation with him and yet when I reconnected I thought oh right, no wonder I thought he was such a good friend - he has a real talent for responding to the non verbalised feelings so you think oh he really gets me, he understands how I feel.  But it never becomes a back and forth conversation of any substance.  I am still affected traumatically by the effort to talk to him and getting led around the bush.

I am so grateful to be away from him.

Lying to me is like clubbing baby seals.  It's not that I lack intelligence, but I am more credulous than most.  I just tend to believe what people say.  I wasn't in denial at all - when he said he wasn't gay I believed him. I believed all the things he said.  When I finally went looking for answers and found this site it took reading three posts to realise he was gay in denial and I never took a backward step from accepting that.  At any time in our marriage if someone had said to me do you realise he's gay I would have listened and seen the truth of him.  I would have ended the marriage there and then.  I agree, it is torture.  I find it interesting that all this time later I literally felt sick to the stomach at the thought I'd had sex with him and I think maybe part of the reason the straight spouses have trouble accepting the truth is that it's not just the sex it's the children.  As you have just said, it is their story too.  and it's just overload, the brain shuts down in self protection.

The one advantage of staying so long is that he finally used up all my love for him.  I stopped loving him, he wore me out.

 

Kudos Sean. Once again I think you’re spot on with everything you wrote above.   I went through all of it.  With one exception my XH slept like a baby.  I would lay awake at night hearing him snore in the guest room, regardless of what awful thing he might have done that day.  I think that’s when I started reading up on sociopaths at the end (and to clarify no, I’m not saying all GID turn into sociopaths,  but mine did).  If you laid awake at night it’s because you at least had a conscience.

I’m very glad that you’re here, I think it’s easier for some women to hear the cold hard truth from you.  Must be that need for male validation we were missing for so many years lol.  Or your a nice fill in for what we want/wanted from our husbands, the TRUTH!  Anyway, blessings out to you.

Last edited by 4everdamaged (October 23, 2018 10:14 am)

Hi Sean ,

Well as I sit here, my initial response to your question is: It basically feels the same as the first few years with my GIDXH who was 32 and probably still convincing himself that he could have sex with anyone.  But when I really think about it.  First of all, there are no lies. Even before I married my ex, I would catch him in lies that he would talk his way out of (not even related to sex).  Thinking about sex, I can look back and remember that he liked having porn movies on in the early years (heterosexual in nature).  In the beginning I was young , then I got sick of them a few years in.  That’s when we started having problems in the bedroom. I took away something he really needed, to be looking at the MEN.

I can also admit, that I was usually the aggressor.  My new husband really kisses me with passion.  Kissing my XH became like kissing a dead fish.  A funny little thing I never thought much of 25 years ago lol,  XH loved to have his nipples pinched.  New husband was like, what the heck are you doing lol.

Ok, don’t know just how detailed I want to get here.  It became obvious with XH (7 years in ? When we really started to have issues in the bedroom). That he wanted anal penetration/stimulation from me.  That was a no way on my part and I refused.  Turn that around, let’s just say when we did have sex, I spent a lot of time on my knees facing the wall (I don’t do that anymore).   New husband looks at me with an intensity that melts my heart.  New hubby and I are not kids, but we enjoy each other let’s just leave it at that.

Yikes ok, I’ll add something.  XH took no pleasure performing oral sex on me.  From the beginning I realized that the second he would try, he would loose his erection.  Plus he was so bad at it that it was just no fun.  Plus it made my self esteem so lo, that I knew he didn’t like doing it , I eventually just stopped letting him try.  Let’s just say that new hubby is a completely different story.   Despite being older, I guess the big difference is passion and real desire.

And the other huge difference is the lack of LYING.  My XH lied about everything, even stupid stuff.  I cane to joke at the end that he would lie about the time of day for no reason.   

I think that’s about as far as I want to go with it this morning Sean.  My story is posted.  My XH became a VERY sick and cruel man.   Looking back, I can put the pieces together and realize that he was narcissistic when I married him and probably already a sociopath (based on history that I came to find out later.   I remember that all his XW used to say was that he was such a liar).

To finish, I feel loved, cherished and wanted.  I honestly believe that I am with a man who would jump in front of a moving train to protect me. Vs someone who would push me off a cliff if he thought he could get away with it (a feeling I had for years , then pretty much came true when I wasn’t buying the lies anymore).

Okay packing to do!

Yes these answers are excellent thanks. I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. As I've shared in a previous posts, I think remaining closeted eventually eats away at a man's sanity. I further believe it's compounded when he's married and his wife discovers his secret. It's amazing how similarly the denial evolves, almost like an alcohol or drug addiction. There are some common elements to your story that I'd like to highlight: 

1. Honesty is an issue, meaning the gay-in-denial (GID) husband constantly lies.
2. From the start, the relationship lacks passion & sexual desire.
3. When the couple has sex, she has to initiate and he prefers doggy style.  
4. Wife eventually asked to peg/penetrate GID husband with strap on or dildos. 
5. No passion when he kisses his wife nor when he performs oral sex.
6. Eventually, sex becomes less frequent and then more or less stops.
7. He prefers gay porn to sex with his wife.  

Thank you again for your honesty. I wrote this list so that straight spouses can easily compare the above to their own relationships. While a gay man can deny he's attracted to men until he's blue in the face, when it comes to intimacy I reckon there is no way for a gay man to fake an interest in women...particularly as he ages. You can't fake a passionate kiss for example. Using myself as an example, in my 20s or early 30s, yes I could have sex with my wife. She too always had to initiate. Unfortunately the sex was always very prim, very mechanical. In my late 30s, I really started to watch a lot of gay porn. Just to be clear, gay porn wasn't the cause of my homosexuality. I sought out gay porn because I am a gay man. For any straight spouses reading this, the rules are pretty simple:

1. Straight men don't watch gay porn.
2. Straight men don't have sex with other men.
3. Straight men don't hang around gay bars & saunas. 
4. Gay men watch gay porn.
5. Gay men have sex with other men.
6. Gay men hang around gay bars & saunas. 

I'd also like to address another common misconception straight wives have about the gay community. Many gay-in-denial (GID) husbands paint themselves as innocent victims of other evil gay men when the opposite is more often true. The version I most often read is, "Back in college, two men held my husband down and forced themselves on him. This is why he's gay." My response is always: no dear he wasn't a victim and what the f*ck was your 'straight' husband doing down at a cruising park, peep show, or gay bar? These stories are likely more bullsh*t from a lifelong liar. (If he's claiming childhood abuse, please read my previous posts about that.) I reckon the reality was more like, "I hung around the gay cruising park for three hours, begged this guy to have sex with me, another guy joined in, and I'm now lying about it to my wife so she doesn't leave me." So when he starts painting himself as the victim, ask where it all happened. If it was in a gay club, gay sauna, or gay cruising park, just think about all of the effort it took for him to get to a place where so much gay sex was happening. Far from being a victim, he was just another gay man looking for quick/anonymous sex.  

There seems to be a belief in hetero circles that gay men can have sex whenever they want. That's bullsh*t. And I can disprove that easily. The sheer volume of evidence - like gay porn histories, messages, or texts - combined with the hours he spent often give a closeted husband away. You started suspecting because he spent hours on his phone, tablet, or computer. You started snooping because you caught him on gay porn, messaging, or sexting. Most straight spouses turn detective and inevitably find hidden email accounts, gay hook up app messages (on Grindr/Hornet/Scruff), or texts through which their husbands are desperately trying to arrange hook ups. And we're not just talking one or two messages, we're talking weeks, months or years of messages. As a fellow member recently shared: 

"I found a phone full of M4M craigslist hookups but was told he was just looking and it never went anywhere. 2 years later, I find that for 2 years (at least) he was logging onto a secret email account from Sept 2015 up until the date of discovery.  He was emailing men on here. I have no idea what's in the account ,and pretty sure i would die if i found out. He once again is claiming he never followed through and didn't cheat but i know better. You don't spend 2 years talking without follow through. I am afraid to look at these emails."

Yep. So what's my point? Sex in gay community is far from some 24-hour-rainbow-coloured orgy. Therefore your husband isn't some innocent victim. He really had to work to set up that "it happened just once" hook up. I mean he spent weeks trying to have sex with that one guy. And it's never just a "one time" thing my friends. We get caught once. Using myself as an example, I've been told I have a handsome face and I exercise quite a bit so I have a muscular body. But even with good looks and muscles, it took me HOURS of messaging on Grindr (a gay hook up application), sharing intimate photos, negotiating about sexual preferences etc., to arrange for a single hook up. Even in gay saunas or at the gay cruising park, and I know both, unless you look like Chris Hemsworth (Thor) and are sporting a huge hammer, it's going to take A LOT of effort to hook up with someone. So terrified closeted husbands with dad bods, average penises, and thinning hair aren't the hottest commodities. In fact, scared/closeted men all give off the same terrified vibe which screams, "I'm damaged." The reason most straight spouses find a paper trail of husbands trying to hook up with other men is because he's spending weeks and months trying to have sex with someone...anyone really.  So no back in college he didn't just innocently walk out of his "College Students for Christ" meeting, when suddenly two evil gays pounced on him as he chastely walked back to his dorm. Most GID husbands' first sexual experiences were more along the lines of your husband willingly making a trip down to the local sauna, sex shop, or cruising park for some quick action. Later on, a closeted husband/father uses Grindr, Facebook, or good old email to try and arrange for discreet hook ups. And it takes a lot of time and effort to arrange for a gay tryst, particularly when you're a closeted husband sporting a beer gut. So when you eventually find out your GID husband has cheated on you with another guy, it was never just "once" and didn't "just happen." The truth is he's cheated on you before and it took A LOT of time/effort for him to cheat on you.  

I hope that helps my friends but am sorry if that stings. Be well!  

Last edited by Sean (October 24, 2018 10:50 am)

downtheroad, I strongly disagree with you. I have found Sean to be extremely helpful and supportive. I appreciate his insight and perspective. This is his own thread and if you find it upsetting for you, just disregard it.

Downtheroad, I feel your pain and I understand your anger. I am so sorry for your suffering.