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October 17, 2018 7:37 pm  #11


Re: Is he wanting a monogamous MOM or just confused?

CaliShocked87 wrote:

......so I guess thats why its not as easy for me to walk away from this one ...but as the time passes and I process it'll get easier..

 

Time apart. Space to think. No contact.....is sometimes good. I had a week away.....I loved it but hated it, and realised I need to be in a certain place for a disconnect to happen, where I am stronger, more determined & resolute in my decisions. I'm not ready to give up on the possibility of the life I believed was mine forever. 
It's all changing slowly like the cogs of a slow-moving wheel
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 17, 2018 7:51 pm  #12


Re: Is he wanting a monogamous MOM or just confused?

Not something to easily give up on. And no one truly understands until they go thru it themselves. Just shocking how huge an issue this is on a worldwide scale! Many of the str8 women (AND men) here have invested years, decades, lifetimes only to find out these huge secrets about their loved ones! I cant imagine! I feel silly at times because I think of my little 2 years compared to people's lifetime marriages with children, etc. But pain is pain I guess. Like losing a loved one in death it doesn't get easier because you've got more/less experience. Either way it sucks. 
We actually had about 2 months straight apart without seeing each other, maybe a text here or there from him saying he loves me, etc.. but I needed closure (and to give the ring back he refused to take) which is why we had that dinner. I was hoping we'd end with him finally saying "I am what I am Im sorry I hurt you, wasted your time", etc....but turned into him sobbing about how much I am the best thing in his life, and how he is committed to me to the end and not to give up on him....I was pretty firm at dinner to his face but then, you know, the mind turns, heart yearns...thats when i started researching and came upon this forum...and started reading more and more stories than never seem to have a positive ending...i know theres lots of other forums to explore.. I need an internet break anyway...he refuses to change his social media profile pics, etc, so every time I log onto insta, facebook I have to see our gorgeous engagement pic and all the photos still on his page, ugh. Sometimes I wish he was a jerk about it  all because the anger can fuel me! Now Im just, bleh...I know its just a phase but now Im going through that mood where every guy who hits on me lately I question their sexuality. Then I start questioning is everyone gay but me and just repressing it for different reasons? Its funny how the mind goes bonkers

Last edited by CaliShocked87 (October 17, 2018 7:59 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

October 18, 2018 6:58 pm  #13


Re: Is he wanting a monogamous MOM or just confused?

CaliShocked87 wrote:

How long have you been in your mon MOM? Who decided on it being monogamous? Have you found yourself doing things you'd never thought you'd do, pegging, etc. I read one story of a woman who did all that and still her husband wasn't satisfied cause it wasn't a man!

We have been together since September 1999. But it wasn't monogamous at the start... we knew people involved in kink groups and while we didn't do a whole lot, we did experiment a little and had three different guys that we played with over about five years. No penetration, but enough that it was pretty clear my DH was very happy about it. I thought that's what we'd continue to do, have a "special guest star" every once in a while to satisfy his itch, but we had our son in 2004, moved to a VERY conservative area, and things got put on the back burner until last year, when he asked to go onto PreP and have sex with other men. At first I thought, OK, fine, we'll just go back to the way we were before... but to my horror, even the thought of it threw me into a nasty spiral of depression, anxiety attacks, and autoimmune disease flares. 

He's always been free to use porn, toys, etc. to scratch that itch while our kid was growing up. Sometimes I'd play along, including pegging... while it wasn't my first choice of activities, it was clearly SO fun for him that I didn't mind and slowly grew to enjoy it as well (mostly, enjoy seeing him enjoy himself). He's always been a very attentive and thoughtful lover, willing to try anything I asked. We only did things like pegging maybe once every 6-8 weeks, it wasn't all the time. But if he ever got to the point where he wasn't happy with it, I always thought I'd be fine with him finding his needs met elsewhere, and when I discovered that was decidedly NOT the case, he immediately walked back his request and we started counseling.

He's done great... found a terrific therapist, and gone through a LOT of challenging work about his coming out during the spectre of AIDS, and a few traumatic experiences as a teen. He's far more confident, and now has several social outlets where he is able to hang out with other gay people, swims on a local LGBT Masters swim team, and marched in the local pride parade. We also attend queer-related lectures, art openings, comedy shows, movies, and drag queen performances together. 

My therapist (who coincidentally is also a gay man, though I didn't necessarily hire him because of that) was brutally attacked in a hate crime after three sessions, and is still convalescing from his traumatic brain injury (he's going to be OK, his doctors say, but it's going to take a long time). I'm torn between finding another counselor, and waiting for him to start practicing again... if nothing else, it would take two or three sessions just to get a new person up to speed, and finding people with MOM experience in the first place is a challenge of its own!

If my husband wasn't attracted to me (like the woman in your anecdote), if he could not have genuinely and mutually satisfying sex with me at all because of his orientation, I would be having a MUCH tougher time trying to keep our marriage together. As it is, it's been a struggle all year. We've doubled down on our commitment to each other... we are very intentionally setting aside time on a daily basis to connect (meditation and coffee together in the morning before he leaves for work, texting/notes during the day, and our "slumber party" each night, where we cooperatively do the NYT puzzle, eat ice cream, play scrabble, write in our journals, and check in with each other before we go to sleep). We also have several things that we do together each week that are inviolate... breakfast in bed Sunday morning, a yoga class on Sunday afternoon, and swim workouts together several evenings a week, plus at least one really nice date each month (a live performance, theater, or dinner out with another couple... once our kid moves out, and we have a little less of a money crunch, I'd like to do this once a week).

All this has helped me become much more secure with our relationship (I got VERY worried when I wasn't able to embrace non-monogamy again, and had many tearful nights where I thought I needed to "let him go" so he could have the experiences he wanted without worrying about hurting me). I still fall into that spiral sometimes, but those bad days are getting fewer and further apart. He has made it very clear that I am his first priority, that if I cannot be OK with him going outside the marriage for sex, then he will not ever do it. However, that has added yet another layer of complexity... I'm postmenopausal, mid-50s, and my engine just doesn't rev like it used to. But he's in the very best shape of his life, almost like some kind of underwear model, and his libido is through the roof. I've been struggling with feeling unable to keep up with him, and pressured (by myself, NEVER by him!) to "put out" more often than I'd prefer if it were up to me. But I know I'd have this particular problem no matter who I was with, so I don't ascribe this challenge to our MOM. We've been doing withholding for him, which makes the sex we do have much more intense and powerful (and it gives me four or five days "off-duty," as well). 

Another thing that has really helped me was reading plenty of peer-reviewed published studies and scholarly works that focus on successful MOMs (I've posted a few to this forum). And recently, reading The All or Nothing Marriage, by Eli Finkel, has given me a LOT to think about regarding how I behave in our marriage, what my expectations are (spoken and unspoken), and how our relationship changes during times of stress. No matter who you end up with, I'd like to recommend this book... I wish I'd read it years ago!

Best wishes, Yaz

Last edited by YazPistachio (October 18, 2018 7:09 pm)

 

October 18, 2018 7:53 pm  #14


Re: Is he wanting a monogamous MOM or just confused?

Yaz,

Wow thats fascinating! Sounds like you two have a very good foundation of understanding and communication and mutual respect which is key! Sorry to hear about your therapist. Thats horrible.
I agree, its much more difficult to try and make things work when they arent attracted to you at all. Thats the thing. He's always been extremely attracted to me and always expresses it but I feel like its in a  "wooow shes so puuurty and shiny I want to brush her hair and kiss her" and less of  "wow shes hot I want to bang her!" I can understand you thinking you may be okay with him going outside and then having second thoughts about it! I feel women naturally have a more emotional attachment where as men think, no, its just sex. Thats interesting that his libido has increased! Is he older/younger? Usually as men age, thats seems to lose stamina. But hes healthy. Thats not the sitch with my ex. Couch potato that hates exercise. Lost tons of weight from bypass and had surgery for any loose skin so he looks like hes healthy but not.  He had loads of sex in prime of his 20s and 30s then late 30s his libido slowed. Years of alcohol abuse will definitely do that to you! He's been celibate for years since being in recovery. Shortly after our engagement, he began taking meds for ED. I guess whether he looked at straight or gay porn, nothing was happening down there. But on occasion, when he was able to be aroused, it was usually by more homoerotic thoughts/images. I guess these were the things he was struggling with but not telling me about due to embarrassment. He's never been interested in group sex, threesome, etc. He's a one on one kind of guy. If he's with a woman, thats it, just her till relationship is over. A man, same thing. I learned in one of his male relationships he was celibate for 2 years while they were long distance dating only to visit the guy and find out he had been seeing someone new. Hes just not one to cheat.  I think he emotionally attracts to women but physically he just... loves peen. His brother cheated on his wife with men for years before he ended up committing suicide and I guess its scared him from ever going down that path. I guess because I know his overall libido is diminishing as the years pass, that I assume he's less inclined to have this desire to "step out to get his kicks" and he seemed more concerned about my satisfaction or dissatisfaction with his ability to perform. He doesn't have much competition as Ive never had much sex (penetratively). I suffer from vaginismus where my muscle contract reflexively like someone touching your eye so sometimes I think subconsciously I probably reason "Hey! sex hurts for me and he wouldn't want to do it too much unless he's hopped on pills so maybe this alternative love life could work!" crazy I know...

Im strongly leaning towards my resolve to let this relationship die, because lets face it. Im 31, in my prime, got my whole life ahead of me and though saddened, can easily find someone who has way less problems than this guy, but, love is funny sometimes.
  I will still definitely take your advice about reading some peer-review studies on successful MOMs and read your posts! Either way like you said its good to acquire knowledge about it!
 

     Thread Starter
 

October 22, 2018 4:02 pm  #15


Re: Is he wanting a monogamous MOM or just confused?

He's younger, by 10 years (I'm 55). Menopause didn't help things, either! 

Definitely listen to your heart. You know more than you think you do! Good luck and let us know how you're doing! 

 

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