Sean, 

Thanks so much for prompt response! Most straight forward answering! Yes, that Maya quote is one of my most used, haha!  That post was our whole story I didnt really leave anything out. Yeah I think in my post I may have seemed as if I was questioning his sexuality but in reality I think we all know what he IS. I guess my confusion was his persistence in pursuing our romantic relationship despite my several attempts to end it on good platonic terms. He has a former female friend that is STILL in love with him (she left her husband for him years ago but they also never worked out in the end but remained very close) and she is again divorced and seems to still have feelings for him and wants him back. She kind of hates me now because he keeps telling her he'd never get back together with her because I'm the love of his life and she needs to back off. So you know, things like this has me scratching my head at the whole situation. If necessary, they have a history, for convenience, just let her be your beard ya know?!  But, your theory makes alot of sense as to why he may struggle. I do believe he is emotionally, maybe visually attracted to me but the physical just doesnt match up. I love the job hiring analogy! Its true, despite the huge gay elephant he does have other issues going on that wouldnt make him a fit spouse when I definitely can do better!

Thanks for posting everyone. I agree 100% with Stronger, you're so lucky Cali that you avoided this train wreck of a relationship BEFORE marriage, a house, and kids. In response to your last post: 

1. Yeah I think in my post I may have seemed as if I was questioning his sexuality but in reality I think we all know what he IS.

Good. So he's a gay man and this site is proof that gay/straight marriages just don't work. Take it from a formerly closeted gay guy who tried to stay with a woman for 20+ years. 

2. I guess my confusion was his persistence in pursuing our romantic relationship despite my several attempts to end it on good platonic terms.

I'm going to correct you here my friend. If I'm reading your former post correctly, what you had was a platonic friendship with the very remote possibility that it could become intimate/romantic...but only if he overcame his homosexuality, depression, and alcoholism. I'm not mocking you my friend. I'm just trying to demonstrate how gay-in-denial narcs like your ex-boyfriend can warp reality. This guy isn't just toxic, he's downright radioactive. 

3. He has a former female friend that is STILL in love with him (she left her husband for him years ago but they also never worked out in the end but remained very close) and she is again divorced and seems to still have feelings for him and wants him back. She kind of hates me now because he keeps telling her he'd never get back together with her because I'm the love of his life and she needs to back off.

Wow so we can add "has a stalking, batsh*t crazy ex-girlfriend" to his growing resume along with the rehab, repressed homosexuality, manic depression, and alcoholism! Question: what exactly is so attractive about this guy? 

Run my friend...RUN as far away from this loser as you can! I'd let his former ex-girlfriend take another crack at "converting" him. You can then calmly sit back and watch that relationship shatter, safe in the knowledge that you dodged the world's biggest bullet. I'd suggest checking back in just before he gets out of rehab. Why? Because he's really going to try to get you back then. Stay strong and thanks again for posting. 

Last edited by Sean (October 17, 2018 9:31 am)

He sounds like every woman's gay best friend. Cali I reckon remaining friends with this prickly, alcoholic, closet queen has its dangers as well. So be careful. Again, I'd suggest reading up on narcissism. If he is indeed a gay-in-denial narcissist, the safest course of action might be to remain off his radar until he moves on to another "love." Otherwise, he'll continue love bombing you until you relent. From what I've read, no contact for 60-90 days is usually enough. Keep coming back my friend!   

Sean,
You've been an amazing support system in addition to the other topics. I can't thank you enough and please keep helping straight spouses. Some of my other gay male friends are fearful of outing the men..others do it in a subtle way but you are fearless and I love you for it as it shows a very unselfish and caring nature.

Thank you Lily and Scrupulous for writing. In reply:

Lily wrote: "Just recently after a long time I saw my ex.  He's right you know, he is super-attractive as a gay man - even now in his 60s he still is.  Still in the closet of course but he let me see his gay face.  I warmed to him!  I started to think again about being friends but then I looked at him again, and saw the familiar grey face and remembered we'd had sex and felt sick to my stomach. Then he patted me when he was leaving and the touch of his hand on my shoulder was enough to remind me what a leech he feels like to me. And the kicker is, drum roll - his latest malicious lie-mongering about me is that I am a lesbian - in denial of course, and he is pretending this is why our marriage ended.  I am now being befriended by the closet lesbians and I have to admit I'm rather enjoying it!  well it's better than being on their wrong side anyway."​

Wow. He's still closeted, still projecting, and apparently still a parasite. Question: has he remarried? Now in his 60s, I reckon that your ex-husband staying in the closet for such an extended period of time must be like a form of emotional cancer, eating him up inside. Regardless of age, most of my gay friends seriously considered suicide before coming out. I know from experience the crushing burden of hiding my sexuality while married to a woman. Add to that a hidden porn addiction and hooking up with men on the side, I'm surprised I survived really. I can't imagine how mentally damaging it must be for men who continue hiding their sexuality, even after divorce. That got me thinking. For every straight spouse who posts, "I don't understand why he just doesn't come out? Why doesn't he just admit he's gay?" I'd then ask them: "Why don't you just accept he's gay and divorce?"

So what's my point? I reckon many straight wives unwillingly get locked in their husband's closets as well, as well as locked in a deep dark place called denial. I'm not judging, just sharing my opinion friends. It's interesting that both gay men and their straight spouses use the same bargaining techniques to deny his homosexuality, such as: 

1. They claim: "Bisexual not gay" to which I'd ask, "When was the last time you had satisfying sex?"

I'm not one of those gay men who denies bisexuals nor bisexuality. I 100% believe in the sexual spectrum. HOWEVER when your sex life is non-existent or has devolved into you (the straight wife) f*cking your husband with dildos and strap-ons while he shuts his eyes and fantasizes you're a man, I think we can cross "he's bisexual" off the list. To me, bisexual means a sexual attraction to both men and women. This means he enjoys and wants to have sex with you (a woman) and men. I think we can all agree something is terribly wrong with him if you go sexually unsatisfied for decades while doing everything possible to simulate gay sex with your husband.   

2. They claim: "We're best friends" to which I'd reply "Best friends don't lie to, abuse, and manipulate each other." 

I reckon a lot of gay/straight couples mistake "gay/straight best friends" for romantic love. Most new members start their posts with, "He's my best friend." They then grudgingly go on to share about years of sexual neglect, lying, and emotional abuse. Abuse is abuse, whether physical or emotional. While a couple can choose to live in denial and explain away the husband's homosexuality, I reckon the children of gay/straight marriages also suffer. My children certainly did. I'm always surprised at just how many posts share about kids who have drug, alcohol, or outright mental illness and yet never attribute it to living in a toxic gay/straight home. I reckon my own household was toxic for my kids because I was 100% focused on hiding/denying my sexuality, my (then) wife probably spent 80% of her energy trying to fix/heal me, and tragically that left very little love and attention for our three kids. One of the few lucid things I did during my prolonged post-coming-out gay adolescence was consult with a child psychologist. Without ever having met my kids, he provided a stark diagnosis of my eldest trying to be perfect to keep us together, my middle daughter suffering from anxiety, and our youngest experiencing both insomnia and constipation. He was right on the money unfortunately. I started divorce proceedings the next day. This leads to my next point...

3. "We've decided to delay ______ to protect the kids." to which I'd reply, "Sharing the truth is their best protection." 

My (then) wife and I made every mistake possible. We announced our divorce and yet remained neighbours. Mistake. Then we didn't tell the kids I was gay right away, hiding the reason for our divorce. Another huge mistake. In hindsight, these mistakes simply prolonged our children's pain. We were teaching them nothing more than how to lie while at the same time denying their feelings. This is what I regret the most. I've often referred to this time period as our "bargaining" stage. If I had to do it all over again, I would have told the kids that we were divorcing because "dad's gay." I would have then moved out or away immediately. My reluctance to take the very necessary first steps to separate and divorce their mother were simply fear on my part: fear of being alone; fear of fully accepting my own homosexuality; and fear of starting over. My kids only started healing the moment their mother and I stopped pretending to be a couple. 

Now 3+ years post divorce, hindsight is truly 20/20. It's much too easy for me to look back and criticize fellow members for making the same mistakes I made. I guess the point of my thread is to provide a formerly gay-in-denial husband's perspective while helping both spouses to find love and happiness...separately. I hope that helps my friends. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (October 20, 2018 8:29 am)