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October 17, 2018 2:29 am  #1


Husband in denial

So I’m starting on this journey of understanding after many years of feeling rejected by my husband. Sex is always once a month at very best if I initiate it. It has been this way since 20’s and through our 30’s. I’m a petite, attractive woman who has tried for years to be prettier, thinner, kinder, a better wife etc and tip toe around his feelings in hopes he will feel sexual desire.  That hard part for me right now is talking to my husband in denial, because he truly hasn’t progressed. He is in the gay Internet porn phase. I have read these boards and know the response is likely, either he won’t admit, will never come out & I should move forward. But that is really hard to accomplish while he is angry and denying his true self.  He is a doctor, and works 24 hours s day, 7 days a week. And for many years was only home 2 nights a week. The lack of sex was blamed on his fatigue & stress or my demands, a messy house, and just him not feeling “connected to me”. Early on he would reject my sexual advances at night, because he was tired, so I stopped trying at night. But the constant thing was he never, in any way initiates sex.
     I first started finding the porn sights like, straightcollegemen.com on our computer about seven years ago. Prior to that, he got gay magazine publications on occasion, but claimed someone signed him up as a joke. He denied the gay porn for several years after, but I know what I saw, right? Gaslighting didn’t work on me, other than just being really sad about it and not knowing what to do, or how to cope. I started asking other men on line dating sites if straight men watch gay porn. The resounding answer was NO, nope, never. I was lonely, but never cheated. I used the sites simply to cope with loneliness, feeling unattractive or somehow just the shrew unworthy of sexual desire.
   . Earlier  in the marriage I tried pleasing, read the book Love And Respect, left love letters, but the more I gave the more he took without reciprocation. Respecting him more did. Not. Work. He didn’t want more sex, maybe even less. This phase ended with a big fight where he threw me down & My wrist was fractured. It felt like a linebacker had tackled me and as I lay on the floor he paced around me, saying nothing that I remember. All I could say was “you hurt me” & cry. It was a complicated time, where he was on house arrest and blamed me for 100% all. He and his lawyer tried to convinced me that he hadn’t thrown me when I broke my wrist. He had to go to counseling. I refused, because I knew he would manipulate and ask me to meet his needs, when none of mine were being met. I almost moved out of state, but our kids heartbreak took me back to the marital home. Still married almost 10 years later. He is bullemic and was in treatment years ago, and he still makes himself vomit. He self medicates with alcohol. He will not acknowledge his sexuality but will say “I’m not talking to you about that”. I worry about him, but I find it hard to have true feelings of compassion when it feels like he is a black hole sucking all life away. Radioactive is an apt description too. But I can objectively see the tragedy, and beginning to understand self loathing that comes with the denial. Thanks for any support. Just reading similar stories is profoundly helpful.

 

October 17, 2018 11:16 am  #2


Re: Husband in denial

Clarity,

I just typed out a response to you and being upset didn’t post it properly.  I’m so sorry you are here, if it double posts I apologize.  But you’re story upsets me to the core.   Bless you for having the courage to post.  You didn’t ask any questions.   You say you have been reading stories, have you read mine?(you can click on my name and see my posts.  I just typed a long post on another thread, plus my story is on the story page ).  I’ve been feeling bad like I’m the zealot on here concerned over domestic violence (my GID XH tried to kill me and he had never laid a hand on me until after we divorced ).

So where are you in your thought process .  Prominent men like you’re husband can be very dangerous.  They are good at making the world think we are the crazy/bad guys and they are saints.   Have you shared anything with family or friends ?  Have you reached out to the SSN support line?  Domestic violence hotline ?  You mentioned that you worry about him.  They are very good at getting us to worry about them.  What about YOU!  What do you want out of life ?  How long have you been married ?  The longer you have been in this, the harder it is to come out of denial and the easier it becomes fir them to control us.

Please stay with us.  Talk to us.  Tell us what you need and what you are thinking.  But I beg you, don’t keep this to yourself.   Family, friend, therapist.  But whatever you do, please don’t confront him alone.  I only say this because sometimes people post on here and don’t ever come back.  As I’ve said, I’m the only one talking about violence.   You have already experienced his wrath,  There have been other instances of violence when GID men have been confronted.   Blessings.  Please stay with us

 

October 17, 2018 7:21 pm  #3


Re: Husband in denial

Clarity,

I want to apologize, I was in a hurry this morning when I posted and had to leave.   But you have been on my mind and heart all day.  I want to add a few things to my earlier post.

First of al the SSN hotline phone number is 773-413-8213. It is confidential. Be specific.  If you have a cell phone they can reach you at etc.  Also depending upon where you live, there might be a face to face support group near you.

The national domestic violence phone number is 1-800-799-7233. They would be useless regarding this issue, but could be of help with resources should you need them.

Re reading (several times) what you did post.  My next comments are based on some educated guesses possible assumptions (not only from my own experiences, but more so on my law enforcement background).

First of all, I realized today that you have stayed 10 years since he fractured your arm.  You say you are not gaslighted, but you are the victim of abuse and manipulation.  I.e. that entire incident was “your fault” (this is also typical of what they do to us).  You left once,  but went back for the kids sake.  How old are they now?

What you described as “the more you gave, the more he took” is typical of so many of our stories living with narcissists.  The “black hole sucking the life out of you”  will never end.  You posted on the section is he gay?  My answer is, yes but beyond that who cares anymore.  Do you want to be happy and have a real life ?  Don’t waste any more of your precious life, there is better out there. You sound like you’re in you’re fourties?  I left at 47, others in here were even older.

On top of my cautionary advice above.  If you’re at that point ready to leave.  Be smart about it ( I did some things right and many wrong.  The only reason I’m alive is because I’m a retired cop).  Does he still work ungodly hours?  If the kids are out of the house.  Do you have access to funds?  You can do it all very secretly (and who cares his life has been a secret).

You can hire a lawyer, who can access the records of the domestic violence from 10 years ago to use to get a restraining order. (Although please remember that is only a piece of paper.  They have never stopped someone intent on violence ).  It can all be orchestrated in one day.  Take your stuff, half the money.  And take the computer, all his pornography can be retrieved off if it (might come in handy if you have a pre nup or something, like I said, just making suggestions if you never come back to us).

Okay honey, I feel better. Like I said please come back to us.  We’re here for you.

 

October 17, 2018 10:55 pm  #4


Re: Husband in denial

Hi Clarity, 
Welcome to our group.  I'm so sorry you have been abused and gaslighted by this awful man.  You've been given some brilliant advice already.  I echo everything 4ever said. 

You must know that none of this is your fault.  You've given more effort and commitment to your marriage than anyone should ever be expected to give.  Don't loathe yourself.  Don't feel guilty or embarrassed or anything of the sort. 

What is your plan going forward?  Have you consulted an attorney to learn a little bit more about how a divorce would work out and what your half of the assets plus alimony would look like?  I'm sure you are like most of us and want to stay for the kids sake, but I think you'll find that most of us feel the kids are better off in a happy single parent home than a troubled household with a spouse who is narcissistic and has mental disorders plus isn't home very often anyway.  This is a hard decision to make, but I would urge you to open your mind a little and consider this. 

Please do stick around and share what's on your heart and mind.  We are here for you! 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

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