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October 6, 2018 7:55 pm  #1

I think my wife is bisexual, having an affair too

My wife and I are both 55 and have been married 26 years.
For over ten years she has worked for a large national retail company.
This May she told me she was joining a women's group consisting of current and former employees. She said it's a support group that also does various social functions and outings.  That is great I tell her. It should be fun and relieve a lot of stress.
Then the red flags started popping up.
In June I noticed she locked her phone and didn't offer me the new unlock pattern.
She has never locked her phone on me. She would always fall asleep with the phone in her hands. I would go in and close all her apps and make sure her alarm was set so she'd wake up on time.
Now that it was locked I noticed she was more "protective" of it. Like if she was asleep and I tried to put it away on her nightstand she'd wake up and snatch it back saying what are you doing.
By July I knew something was up with her. She became obsessed with the women's group.  She even took a weeks vacation and spent it on various outings with them.
A few times she even took overnight trips but she would never tell me in advance.  She seemed vague about her plans. She'd only feed me piecemeal info. Later when I asked about it she would say I didn't listen. But I said you never told me any details.
In fact whenever I asked her about her plans she was now saying I was "needy" and should find my own group of friends to hang out with and basically to let her have her freedom. She said I was having a "mid life crisis" by fawning over her all the time.
In August she asked my teenage daughter and her friend to help her women's group with a flyer for an upcoming Fall tea dance in September.
I Googled two of the sponsored groups on the flyer and discovered they were clearly lesbian groups in Meetup. WTF!
I also found out what "tea dance" really meant. What a naive schmuck I felt like.
So now I questioned her about the nature of the women's group and did she know they were a lesbian group.
She kind of skirted around it and said most of the women are from the company. Some of them are not even lesbian, they have husbands like her.  I said surely the leader of the group Mary must be a lesbian. She said she wasn't sure. She knew Mary was divorced before but not sure about the lesbian part.
So she is stonewalling me for a few more weeks and she is still vague about all her social outings.
I'm worried about our marriage and so start snooping and spying. Between her printed time sheets, access to our cell phone account and access to her Google account I find out some things.
I have been keeping a journal since June and now I start to backfill it.  She has been secretly seeing Mary and concealing it from me by not saying where she is or even lying about where she is. A few times she'd take a sick or personal day and not let me know.
Google will pick up dictated messages she makes for texts and she has been using terms of endearment with Mary.
i.e. "okay love goodnight I'm home."
"good morning love. just got to work"
"see you I am on my way to you now love"
"hon I'm leaving now I'm going to get gas I'll come over to your house"
"hey babe don't be mad"
"hello Mary don't be mad"
"hello Tina my baby is mad at me. I'm trying to do too many things at once."
"you are right I was wrong I was trying to do too many things at once"
"I should have called and let you know and I was wrong with that"
"I am really really really really really really really sorry"
"I am on my way to you love"
"who would ever thought that Mary will be at the Victoria's Secret"
"she is choosing" "she like the leather" "she like the lace"
"good night love I had a great time today sweet dreams"

We actually went on a 3 day anniversary getaway this week and it was good.
If I wasn't spying and snooping I wouldn't know about her "relationship" with the 79 year old leader of the lesbian group. She is basically leading a "double life" and thinking I'm ignorant.
On the night we came back from our trip she actually went to see Mary which I found out about.
I showed her I knew about the messages and asked her why she was hiding from me the time she spent with Mary.
I said I was angry, hurt and confused and very worried about our marriage.
She didn't really address anything directly.
She said Mary was a "sweet old lady" that she liked to talk to.
Everyone used those terms of endearment with her.
I told her I was going to see a therapist and she was surprised and said "why?"
I said I need to work some things out for myself and I'm really worried about us and our marriage.
I'd really like you to go with me to see the therapist.
Surprised she said yes so I'm trying to set up the appointment before she changes her mind...



October 6, 2018 9:52 pm  #2

Re: I think my wife is bisexual, having an affair too


So sorry.  Yes, it sounds like my GX ..she would send well over 500 texts to her girlfriend..take her locked phone to the bathroom, bed, laundry room. 

It hurts like hell as they slowly discard us, cheat and shift their love and affection to their new gay friends. It's not right and deep in our bones we can feel the disloyalty and inhumanity.

I would say start building your support system ..  One cannot live with a covert disloyal will eat you up with stress and is abuse.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

October 7, 2018 1:36 pm  #3

Re: I think my wife is bisexual, having an affair too

HI John,

I think the hardest thing about discovery is the way it changes your past as well as now - she never was the person you thought she was.  she always was deliberately deceiving you and she never did feel guilty to do so, any more than she does now.

it's horrifying.

it is also finally an explanation.

It's a shock, it's an increasingly common experience.  I am 63, I met my gay in denial ex when I was 19 and left when I was 58.  It took 18 months from discovery at age 57 to complete the separation process.  When I was a teenager I remember my parent's generation used to talk about 'levels of sex drive' that one spouse would want sex more than the other and they said that these were the worst marriages.  Considering all the other stuff that can happen in a marriage I find that telling - they are acknowledging the suffering of a straight spouse even tho not understanding the cause of the 'different levels of sex drive'. 

all those 'not tonight dear, I have a headache' wives.  now we know why.

Let me assure you that straight women are very different to lesbians.  And not just in bed, emotionally built different.

Once I had understood my husband was gay my first question was why had I married him, what was wrong with me and that's when i found this site and the answer - nothing wrong, the reason you married him was because you didn't know, he was hiding it.

The changes in her behaviour you are experiencing are overwhelmingly likely to be because she has a girlfriend.  

Look after yourself.

wishing you all the best, Lily



October 9, 2018 6:52 pm  #4

Re: I think my wife is bisexual, having an affair too

Dump her. 
You can do better with a woman that wants a man.

Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 

October 9, 2018 9:55 pm  #5

Re: I think my wife is bisexual, having an affair too

Thank you for the replies.
I used to think I should be fighting tooth and nail to save my marriage.
Now it seems more likely that I need to kick open her closet door and get out with my sanity and soul intact.

     Thread Starter

October 9, 2018 10:32 pm  #6

Re: I think my wife is bisexual, having an affair too

Fight tooth and nail to save your sanity. She's shady. Get to the bottom of the matter through a third party.
(PI if need) Don't trust her to give you the correct answers. When you have them get your game plan together and set yourself free. You are young enough to appeal to a real woman when the time is right for you. 
Wishing you all the best in your journey. xoxo

Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 

October 10, 2018 6:13 am  #7

Re: I think my wife is bisexual, having an affair too

I don't think there are any easy answers once you have spent so long building a life with a closeted spouse.

But when you talk about soul and sanity it rings such bells, with all of us here probably, certainly with me.

If you can do it, the best medicine is to see her for who she is.  It takes a bit of time.  It takes emotional detachment.  But if you can get to the point that you can see how she manipulates your feelings then you are off the hook and have yourself back in your corner.

I remember this point.  It was way down the line and we were in the process of negotiating the financial agreement.  He came up to me in the garden and he hugged me.  He told me he loved me.  He didn't want to break up.  There were tears in his eyes.

And I believed him I started to melt into his arms but something made me pull back and look up into his face.  And he couldn't hide it, he'd been putting on an act.  I was glad, glad to be saving myself but oh god how much I felt that further erosion of my trust.

so be good to yourself at all times.  you've been looking after her and she's been looking after her, it leaves you with a deficit.  Lots of self care will help, even in the way you talk to yourself in your thoughts - time to be your own best friend again.

all the best, Lily


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