Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

October 7, 2018 10:15 pm  #1

Step parent standing in for GX’s visitation obligations

Hello wonderful straight spouses. My gay ex has remarried. He has recently accepted a new job where he will be traveling a lot and is not able to adhere to visitation schedule. He wants his new gay beard, ahem, wife, to stand in for him and to pick up the kids and keep them for visitation even if he is not there. Anyone have knowledge on the legal likelihood that a judge would OK this!? Our agreement has a right of first refusal clause stating that I should get the kids if he cannot fulfill his visitation obligations. However he is issuing ultimatums saying I should offer makeup days or that the new wife will get to keep them on his days when he is traveling. I am against them being in this new “fake” situation at all costs, even if it interferes with my own plans. I am a soldier for my kids and always have been, since he is so sketchy and flaky and preoccupied with his own agenda. I have no problem keeping them with me if he’s not available. Any insight is very much appreciated! ~Sadie


October 7, 2018 10:55 pm  #2

Re: Step parent standing in for GX’s visitation obligations

This woman has no right to visitation even if she thought the world of your kids. Your ex has a right but, if he's traveling, he's declining that right. Trading days should only be when mutually acceptable and organized well in advance. That's my thought on the matter. Your kids are not possessions to be passed around.


October 8, 2018 6:50 am  #3

Re: Step parent standing in for GX’s visitation obligations

I think Daryl is spot on. 
I'm not an attorney of course, but I don't believe a substitute can claim the right to have the kids unless both parties agree (ie. babysitter).  If he's not available for his agreed custody time, then you keep the kids.  At the end of the year you can go back to the courts and petition to amend the custody agreement to reflect the actual usage from the prior year. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


October 8, 2018 8:31 am  #4

Re: Step parent standing in for GX’s visitation obligations

Actually, I would check with an attorney as this may vary from state to state.

I am a step-mom. My STBX travels for a living, and his weekend visits were worked around his schedule. However, our longer visits during the summer were not. He would go to work and leave the children in my care for a couple of days at a time. He tried not to, but sometimes it just couldn't be avoided. The judges were okay with it. The thought was that the children were not "visiting" us during that time, but were, in fact, living with us. Our normal routine was for my spouse to be gone several days a week, and the judge felt that the children needed to adapt to that routine while they were living with us.

This was also many years ago and it may have changed or it may have been something particular to that state, so I would check with an attorney.


October 8, 2018 10:19 am  #5

Re: Step parent standing in for GX’s visitation obligations

Agreed, your local attorney is a good resource for information and options. Whatever you decide, keep the kids needs paramount.


October 8, 2018 10:36 am  #6

Re: Step parent standing in for GX’s visitation obligations

Visitation is for the kids to visit with the non-custodial parent.  Or it can be for them to spend time with someone else they're related to, like a grandparent.  It's awarded by the court for the purpose of the children and the non-custodial parent - so they can further / continue their relationship.  It is NOT just so someone other than the custodial parent can get them away from their home.

I feel for you - because personally, I NEEDED those visits in order to re-center my life and catch up on sleep and cleaning and personal interactions so that I could stay balanced.  So if you feel that you need the time, and the new beard is good to the kids and they enjoy going and it's beneficial to all of you, then that's one thing.  But they do not need to visit with her - especially if you don't feel the need for them to be away for a few days, or if you don't feel it's of any real benefit to the kids.

The judge is NOT likely to award time to the new wife.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

March 16, 2019 8:50 am  #7

Re: Step parent standing in for GX’s visitation obligations

Update : The hearing was the other day. The judge ruled that a stepparent could not stand in for custodial parent and that while he is traveling for his job and not fulfilling his visitation the children will come back home to their primary residence with me their mother. I am so relieved because I think he remarried to have a continue to cover for his gay lifestyle that he exhibits while he’s traveling for work. I feel relieved but also sad for the new wife. She is eating up his lies and I hate watching that train wreck. So many painful memories. On the upside though, as I said, kids come to me when he wants to gallivant about for business and leisure.

     Thread Starter

March 16, 2019 1:32 pm  #8

Re: Step parent standing in for GX’s visitation obligations

Sadiemagnolia...that's wonderful news.

What a powerful statement that is to your ex..

** ...look pressure in the eye,  
walk towards it... **


March 16, 2019 2:03 pm  #9

Re: Step parent standing in for GX’s visitation obligations

Yes it is a powerful statement. He has changed his bullying ways. We will see for how long though.

     Thread Starter

Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum