Thank you for posting OOHC, 4everdamaged, and Violated. In response to Violated's last post:

"Sean, thank you so much for your response. You always help me face my reality. Your statement, "He's no longer your responsibility," wow.........hit me. I always been his caretaker. But as sad as it is , I also realize that to him I am replaceable. Thanks for the reality check. I will keep you posted on my progress..........Onward." 

Given what you and others have shared Violated, namely this idea that your abusive/lying husband is somehow your best friend, a need to caretake, and trying to maintain some level of control over his relationships post-divorce, I'd suggest reading up on co-dependency.  If many gay-in-denial husbands, or soon to be ex-husbands, are narcissists, then logically their wives/partners could be co-dependents. Narcissists and co-dependents go together like peanut butter and jelly. I'd urge you to visit coda.org to read up on it. Just a suggestion my friend. 

Be well! 

Sean, thanks for your info on co-dependency. I appreciate your insight. I never viewed myself as a co-dependent.....But.....could be.  I probably am......I'll let you know. Going to site now.

Hi Sean. I am posting the link to my story as I’m interested in your thoughts.

I also posed the question of what you think about gay literature as opposed to gay porn. He’s looked and read both but this bout of searching has all been gay lit. That I’ve been able see anyway. It seems more intimate to me. Would like to know your thoughts.

Also, the progression in our sex life from it being enough for me to embody his fantasies but when I lost interest and avoided this, he has moved on to gay lit and porn exclusively. I don’t see him reading a lot of mistress/sub stories!!

Thank you in advance. Your experience on here is invaluable to us Str8 spouses.

I’ve posted under Support thread. Old Member - TGT again.

Thank you.

Hey Samantha, I'm not on here too often but I saw your post and I'm butting in on point #5 and #6 above.  I opened the door to conversation almost 3 years ago.  I am still getting nothing.  I believe my husband was panicked at first that I knew and he was relieved that I didn't fly off the handle or grab the kids and run.  Which led me to just living with the elephant in the room for the last 3 years.  I've tried to approach the subject gently and forcefully and nothing has worked.  He's quite content to leave it where it is so I laid out the rules and made him listen.  No cheating, that sex with the same gender is cheating.  (believe it or not somehow he had decided it wasn't)   If he wants to explore sex with others than he needs to discuss it with me first, that there will be rules.  That if he breaks these rules I'm out.  I have to trust that he's following them and I have no reason right now to believe he's not.  I'm sorry that you're here and I can't say that it is easy.   If my kids were older I probably wouldn't have lasted as long as I have.  Not just the gay/bi thing but for other reasons as well.  
Take care
Vicky

Thanks everyone for sharing. In reply: 

1. PennyD: I also posed the question of what you think about gay literature as opposed to gay porn. He’s looked and read both but this bout of searching has all been gay lit. That I’ve been able see anyway. It seems more intimate to me. Would like to know your thoughts. Also, the progression in our sex life from it being enough for me to embody his fantasies but when I lost interest and avoided this, he has moved on to gay lit and porn exclusively. I don’t see him reading a lot of mistress/sub stories!!

Thanks for writing Penny. In response to your question, I reckon gay literature vs gay porn sounds like an alcoholic trying to distinguish between vodka and gin. So what's my point? An alcoholic just wants to get drunk, so it doesn't really matter what she's drinking. My point is that straight men don't watch gay porn and read gay erotica; but gay men do. I've been posting here for over a year and there seems to be a common progression in gay/straight marriages. And that progression consists of, following discovery, both the gay & straight spouses try to minimize or bargain with a simple truth: the husband is gay. That progression often sounds a bit like this: 

- I found gay porn on his computer but he said it was just a pop up. 
- I found gay porn on his computer again but he promised to never watch it again. 
- I found out he had sex with another man, but he said it happened just once.
- I found out he had sex with several men, but he claims his same-sex attraction comes from childhood abuse.
- He now claims to be bisexual and wants to open up our marriage. But just wants sex with men once a month. 

Whether your husband watches porn or reads porn is a moot point my friend. The more important points are that your husband is gay and as a gay man has zero interest in sex with women. As you so poignantly shared:

"I realised that either he doesn’t care about me or he can’t help himself because he’s gay - either scenario doesn’t look good for me. I’ve decided to choose me. And it’s about time."

Good for you! 

2. Vicky wrote: Hey Samantha, I'm not on here too often but I saw your post and I'm butting in on point #5 and #6 above.  I opened the door to [the] conversation almost 3 years ago.  I am still getting nothing.  I believe my husband was panicked at first that I knew and he was relieved that I didn't fly off the handle or grab the kids and run.  Which led me to just living with the elephant in the room for the last 3 years.  I've tried to approach the subject gently and forcefully and nothing has worked.  He's quite content to leave it where it is so I laid out the rules and made him listen.  No cheating, that sex with the same gender is cheating.  (Believe it or not somehow he had decided it wasn't)   If he wants to explore sex with others than he needs to discuss it with me first, that there will be rules.  That if he breaks these rules I'm out.  I have to trust that he's following them and I have no reason right now to believe he's not.  I'm sorry that you're here and I can't say that it is easy.   If my kids were older I probably wouldn't have lasted as long as I have.  Not just the gay/bi thing but for other reasons as well.​

Thank you for sharing Vicky. I'm glad (and also sad) to see you back my friend. You wrote a few things that struck me, namely:

"So I laid out the rules and made him listen."
"If he breaks these rules I'm out. I have to trust that he's following them..."
"I've tried to approach the subject gently and forcefully and nothing has worked." 

I've read similar posts from countless straight wives. After years of suspicion, when faced with the stark reality that their husbands are indeed gay, straight spouses' reactions seem to follow a pattern:

- Grudging acceptance that he may be "bisexual" but "not 100% gay" 
- Trying to control his homosexuality through rules: "no more porn; no more Craigslist; no more cheating." 
- Insisting on couples therapy.
- Constantly pushing him to admit he's gay.

The reality is that men who have been closeted for decades are unlikely to just blurt out "I'm gay" to the women we married solely to hide our homosexuality. While many gay-in-denial husbands are toxic narcissists (if not monsters), I reckon most of us have genuine feelings for the women we marry. Saying "I'm gay and our marriage is a lie" to the mother of our children is a very tall order indeed, particularly when confronted with the consequences of such an admission: divorce. I hope this doesn't come across as blame shifting. Gay husbands like me are 100% to blame for lying, cheating, and minimizing their behaviour. The point I'm trying to make is that even before discovery of gay porn or cheating, I reckon most gay/straight couples go through years of unhappiness. The story I most often read goes something like this: "We're best friends but our relationship has never been very sexual. He never seemed interested, I always initiated, and now we haven't had sex in years." I reckon there is often a limbo stage when the couple is no longer having sex, no longer communicating, and they just appear to be waiting for something to happen. Vicky you shared that your limbo stage has lasted 3 years, mine lasted about 18 months. In my experience, it was a time when we too thought we'd stay together "for the kids" but looking back I think we were just scared to accept our marriage was truly over. 

3. Shellshocked wrote: I have been married 26 years and my husband told me he is gay. More likely bisexual but for the last five years the gay urges are stronger. Our marriage has suffered a lot because we have a mentally ill daughter. The last 2 years of my life have been hell. My life was pretty simple and drama free before that. Since the mental illness has been hard on us all we agree to wait for my son to get of of high school before we divorce and disclose the truth. My daughter is now away from us in a good program but we have financial debt with that. I am just worried I will never find love again. Thanks for listening.​
 
Thanks for writing Shellshocked (SS), although I'm very sorry you're struggling my friend. I understand your situation is tumultuous, but please make yourself and your own well-being a priority. Unlike most straight spouses, your husband has admitted to being gay. But this struck me: "...my husband told me he is gay. More likely bisexual but for the last five years the gay urges are stronger." Again this smacks of bargaining. When a person is gay, he/she is attracted to the same sex.  It's not an urge. It's who I am. Even though I married a woman to conform while hiding my own homosexuality, I've now accepted that my attraction and need to be in a relationship with another man is hard-wired. So what's my point?

As I've shared in previous posts, I reckon that once a straight spouse starts posting here, whether she accepts it or not, her marriage is over. (I apologize for that slap but after 18 months of posting here, the facts are undeniable.) Whether the issue is a gay husband, money problems, or a lack of intimacy, most couples try to save their relationships before separation & divorce. After all, we have been taught that marriage is a life-long commitment worth saving...particularly when children are involved. So we don't just walk away. Straight spouses are an incredibly tenacious group. Before discovering their husbands are gay, most straight wives have already spent decades suffering through dry kisses, squirmy hugs, and mechanical sex. Once they discover gay porn or cheating, I reckon it's almost a relief because they now know the root cause of their relationship problems..."It's him and not me!" Far from being deterred, after discovery straight wives often roll up their sleeves and get down to work. And by getting to work I mean they double their efforts to fix husbands with "same sex attraction." This often means couples therapy, lots of rules, greater supervision, and perhaps even greater creativity in the bedroom. Sadly, while she does everything (yet again) to save the relationship, the gay-in-denial (GID) husband eventually withdraws even more. He becomes more depressed, more addicted to porn, or he cheats more often. If most gay (or GID) husbands are like me, we secretly want out of our gay/straight marriages because playing straight is slowly killing us. I'm not trying to explain away a gay husband's emotional abuse, lying, nor cheating. I'm simply stating that once that (pink) cat is out of the bag, there is no going back. There eventually comes a point when the straight spouse realizes three things: first, her husband is 100% gay; second, she's the only one trying to save the relationship; and third, gay men can't satisfy straight women, on any level.

Gay/straight marriages simply don't work. Gay men will only find fulfillment with other gay men and straight wives need straight men. To deny this simple truth means a lifetime of unhappiness. I know because I tried for decades to make my own gay/straight marriage work. As Penny shared: "I realised that either he doesn’t care about me or he can’t help himself because he’s gay - either scenario doesn’t look good for me. I’ve decided to choose me. And it’s about time." 

Thanks for reading friends. I hope that helps. Be well!