I don't mean to sound naive. I want your opinion... is he gay or just curious?

On one side - he uses gay porn and movies/tv/youtube on a daily basis.
On the other side - he willingly (often initiates) sex with me and we have a good friendship.

Yes, I've collected lots of evidence but not confronted him with any of it. The only piece I've ventured out with is his social media where he follows certain male actors or athletes - no women. Also, to answer your question, yes, I truly believe we were happily married (until six months ago when I lost trust in him). I'm afraid to confront him because I think it would break him emotionally and, despite the lack of trust, I love him. I want to wait to confront him until our youngest is away at school and by then he will have found work. Timing will be better then. I just have to hold on to all of this one more year. It gives me time to figure things out. Stressful but after a 30 year relationship, I have to salvage something.

Thanks for the well wishes and hugs. I feel them through my tears.

Daisy, welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us, but sorry that you had to search us out.

Thing is.... no one can answer that question. Even your husband probably can't really answer truthfully.

The story we read most on this board is that when confronted the spouse in question will tell the straight spouse that they are bi-curious, but would never act on it. When confronted with more evidence, they may move to bi-sexual. Many tend to camp out in the bi-curious or bisexual area. Very few move from it unless they meet someone they are willing to come out of the closet for, and it doesn't matter how much evidence you find.

I am also on a board for those experiencing betrayal trauma. Most of the women there have spouses who are porn and/or sex addicts. These women firmly believe that a heterosexual porn/sex addict will move into same sex porn or even same sex encounters because they need to take that addiction to the next level in order to get the same thrill, but they remain firmly heterosexual. (I don't understand it, but something about the arousal template changing after watching lots of gay porn. I don't think I buy it though, but I am no expert.)

So, my opinion is that he is gay, but again I'm not expert and I don't know him from Adam, so take it for what it is worth.

I will add though that the fact that he initiates sex doesn't mean he is straight, and that y'all share a great friendship has no bearing on his sexuality whatsoever. It sounds like your plan is to live with this for another year before you confront him. During this time, please take care of yourself. Many women, myself included, have stories of the physical toll the emotional stress has had on our bodies, so self-care is very important. I also wish I would have taken a friend's advice to start socking away a little bit of cash and gift cards in case I ever needed them, but I actually was naive and thought my spouse would honor his commitment to us and his promise to always provide for me and the kids. If you need it down the road, you have it, and if you don't, you have a little bit to go out and celebrate something and have fun.

Daisy LD wrote:

Thank you for taking time to read this. I'm new to this situation and I'm not sure how to handle it and I need help. Here's a condensed version of my story:....It's confusing and I don't know what to think. What do you think?

 

I think you have many questions that you won't get answers to. Your man has been 'undercover' for a while it sounds like, and will be steps ahead of you....as in hiding this secret part of himself. 
From what I have learned since becoming a member..our stories are too individual to fit in one box (there is no one answer to any one question) but each story's timeline will be shorter or longer depending on the 2 people involved and how willing they are to communicate, heal, be honest.....make decisions.

No straight man looks at gay porn constantly, and bisexual is so closely tied to homosexual that often "bisexual" may used as a reason/cover/excuse for delving into "all the stuff you've discovered.

Welcome to the Forum Daisy
 

First, thank you to all who responded to my inquiry. It was difficult to read and reinforced I guess what I already knew (based on the last six months). 

I hope to not sound cliche - my husband is my best friend. I could not imagine my life without him. In all honesty, I don't think I could survive without him. Before the last six months when I found his gay porn, movies, videos, and pictures, I seriously considered myself lucky to be married to my best friend and so happy. (Talk about a 180 degree turn!) I believe he's been faithful to our marriage. I also believe he wants a future with me. I really do.

This is all leading to a question for all you SSN veterans... do MOMs work?! I just watched the SSN video of Camilla's story and she seemed happy. I don't understand how they work; can a marriage survive on love and friendship and not attraction? How does the physical part of a MOM maniest itself? I completely understand the concept of doing anything for kids/family but my situation is soon-to-be empty-nester. My kids are on their way into adulthood and starting their own lives. I'm scared of confronting him especially at this stage in my life - my age, financial dependency on my husband and faltering emotional state - and being on my own. The idea, which I bury deep down because it makes me cry every single time I think about it, gives me nightmares.

So, do MOMs survive???

I'm just reaching for the last thread that may save my sanity, my life.

Last edited by Daisy LD (September 27, 2018 4:26 pm)