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September 19, 2018 7:22 pm  #11

Re: At a crossroads ...

Lynne, My doctor's comment last time I saw her was, first "Have you divorced him yet?" and then she asked me how old he was.  When I told her, she seemed unsurprised, and said, "I don't know what gets in to them at that age."  So not everybody has jumped on the trans acceptance train.
   Me in the Corner (MItC),  your story is so much like mine in its outlines, including the time line.  By two years into it I had come to many of the realizations you have (the selfishness, his entitlement about expecting you to support him while offering you no assurances about the future, your feeling that you are a prop in a play he's writing, directing and starring in, etc).  And like you, our son was out of the house, and retirement approaching soon, and I was looking forward to a  new stage of life with fewer responsibilities and a bit of ease if only for a while...and then whammo blammo! 

By the way, it took me two tries at a lawyer to find one I felt really had my back and would fight for me if I needed her to.  Kind of like looking for a doctor or a therapist.  It has to be a good fit.  


September 19, 2018 9:06 pm  #12

Re: At a crossroads ...

" the mental illness perspective. Over the years I’ve often felt that my H might be somewhat manic/depressive, but not wanting to psycho-analyze him, since that felt disrespectful to him, somehow. These days, the ‘manic’ phases are when he’s actively pursuing feminization. That scares me to death, because if I truly am dealing with an addiction/mental condition here, I have zero experience. There’s a part of me- I’m almost ashamed to say- that wants to play along, see how far this goes without me trying to rein it in. "

You can not help anyone who does not want to be helped. What you can do is take care of yourself. If what he is doing in the bedroom makes you uncomfortable, please do not play along. Let him know YOUR truth. Whether you try to rein him in our not, its a train that you can not stop. Admittedly, my husband is not trans or a cross dresser. But after 27 years of marriage ... the hindsight of what everything in my life had become ... that slow creaping up and over taking who I thought he was and who I thought I was ... it has totally blown me away. Life as I knew it is over.

It is time for you to focus on your needs. And that is not just sexually, but emotionally and financially. If you can find a therapist that you can work with, that would be awesome. Until then, we are all here. And while not all our stories reflex yours specifically, we certainly all run parallel to it. 

Hugs and bright light being sent to you.


November 5, 2018 12:33 am  #13

Re: At a crossroads ...

I also find myself married to a transgender person. Its been three (very long) years now. He says he doesn't have the courage to come out totally but dresses the part under his clothes. He also has rid himself of body hair. I moved out of our marital bed in May of this year after he made the decision to have his testicles removed. He knew how I felt about it and was not willing to even discus it with me. He compared this with him supporting my decision to have a hysterectomy after the precancer level was found. They justify as do we all if they want it badly enough. We live together and are friends but for me thats where it stops. We have grown kids and grandkids so lots of relationships are affected by the outcome of this. I am trying to make him understand he does not and I am starting to think that he never will which is really hard! I am also between a rock and a hard place. Its a very lonely time and I am glad for this group as well!


November 5, 2018 6:35 am  #14

Re: At a crossroads ...

  I am so sorry you're living that nightmare!  Your husband has done what my stbx did--stayed in the closet but wore women's panties under his male attire--as well as what my stbx told me he wanted to do: to have his testicles removed (he also wanted to take female hormones). 
    That your husband doesn't have the courage to come out but expects you to play along is also something I experienced.  I finally realized the reason my stbx didn't come out wasn't a lack of courage to "live his truth," but because he was getting out of his life exactly what he wanted to the way he was living it--he was already living his truth!  He was getting all the respect of being a man at work, all the fun of playing woman at home, and the ease of having me there to manage the household and play along in his sex fantasies.  And I was the one carrying the burdens and doing the worrying, including about others in the family.  There were no consequences for him (until I told him I wanted a divorce).  
    Your dawning understanding that he cannot (and will not) be brought to understand that his actions impact an entire family is akin to my realization that my stbx was doing just what he wanted--and the rest of us be damned!  They act in a unilateral fashion, issue proclamations and ultimatums, believe they are utterly entitled to do just as they want and we must adjust, and justify their behavior with whatever word salad serves their own interests. Your husband is advancing a logical fallacy of false equivalence when he says your hysterectomy is no different than his orchiectomy.   Your hysterectomy for medical reasons is not the equivalent of his having his testicles removed just because he wants to, just like my wearing an old T-shirt of my husband's to sleep in was not the equivalent of his dressing in women's lounge wear in the mornings.  I didn't buy the shirt, I didn't wear it expressly because it was an item of male clothing, and I didn't feel "like a man" when I was wearing it or get turned on by myself when I wore it (and wear it expressly for those purposes).
    If you hadn't had that hysterectomy, you would likely have been facing cancer.  Unless he had his testicles removed because he was facing testicular or prostate cancer, he can't say the same.  You didn't make a decision to have a healthy part of your body removed in order to deceive yourself that it would make you "more male" or "more like a man."  But he had a healthy part of his body removed precisely because he decided it would make him "more female" or "more like a woman."  And further, it's an insult to your womanhood and an assault on your femininity to even suggest that having a hysterectomy has made you "more male" or "more like a man."  You didn't masculinize yourself; you maximized your chances of living a long life as a woman.  Please don't fall into believing his nonsense.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 5, 2018 6:49 am)


November 8, 2018 7:16 pm  #15

Re: At a crossroads ...

Hi Ginger, I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. There is some great advice on this site, from OOHC and all the others. I feel like this site is keeping me somewhat sane!

I’m in a similar situation- Husband wants to live this fantasy out, privately, with me. I doubt he has any plans to actually make the transition (he’d never pass). He hasn’t taken it nearly as far as other husbands I’m reading about in these threads (yet...) so I’m in limbo. Honestly I haven’t much clue what to do, but it seems this is a long process of detaching emotionally.

I hope you’ll keep reading the threads- it helps so much to know we’re not alone in this, even if it feels that way.

Last edited by MeInTheCorner (March 14, 2019 4:12 pm)

     Thread Starter

November 20, 2018 8:17 am  #16

Re: At a crossroads ...

MeInTheCorner wrote:

My husband had me somewhat convinced this was just a fetish thing- something he found fun in the bedroom, but that he’s all male and would never want to transition. What worries me is that this quickly progressed from ‘panties are fun’ to adding various other items, shaving body hair, etc. I feel that he gets a ‘high’ from feminizing himself, and he needs to keep adding elements to maintain the high. Am I off base here?

You're not off base. I'm sorry you are going through this with your husband. Truth is they do get high from it though very few will admit to that fact. I spent 2 years with a man who cross-dressed and got off of women's clothes and the idea of being a woman. In fact, he died because of his fetish (autogynephilia) and other things.

MeInTheCorner wrote:

somehow it keeps inching forward.

This happens all the time as well. Mine was like a drug addict with women's clothes especially pantyhose. They have to add more and more to their repertoire to get a high from cross-dressing.  Even if you support him in doing this, he will keep pushing your boundaries until there are none left except him getting what he wants and you silently suffering in the corner, pining for a man who only cares about himself and what he wants. It's abusive if you ask me (and I know because I went through it for 2 years)

MeInTheCorner wrote:

my husband is giddy at the thought of spending our newfound wealth on hair removal, and I’m having a hard time believing that this will end with him staying male. Not to mention that although I’ve always loved him and still do, he doesn’t really want me sexually- just for me to be there to indulge in the fantasy with.

Of course, you still love him, but he's changed the foundation of your relationship so he can get off. He's not being respectful or loving to you at all by insisting that you change and let him spend whatever he wants to have his transition. Point blank, what he's doing is all about him. Not you. Not your life together. Just him.

Stay strong and take care of yourself. No matter what you choose to do, we're here for you. 

This site kept me sane when my ex was bullying me endlessly a few months ago, but now he's gone (died last month) and I'm free. I'm still here because isn't much support for women like us out there in the real world. No one wants to talk about seriously disturbed and selfish these men are.  



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