Hi PittGuy, I'm glad you found this forum. It truly helps to understand that the patterns our partners have are very similar, and it answers a lot of unanswered questions left by them.

I don't have much to add bc I echo what everyone else has said. No contact is the way to go. They often keep the lines of communication open to either string you along or make themselves feel better for what they did and lessen their guilt. This does you no good and only hurts. You have the power to cease contact, and don't have to justify why. I suggest you use that power.

I completely get being angry at the LGBT community, I was the same way and felt embarrassed for it. For me, it was misdirected anger. I was still in denial and it was easier to be angry at some intangible group than the actual person who caused me pain. I didn't want to believe someone I loved so much, and who "loved" me could ever hurt me this deeply. But they did. Once I began to understand and accept that, it became easier to direct my anger towards him, and not the LGBT. In truth, the LGBT and our deceptive spouses are completely separate and can't be equated.

It sounds similar to your situation. You don't seem to be angry at your spouse, just hurt. It might do you some good to see her for what she really is - an unfaithful spouse who strung you along. Maybe placing blame on her and getting angry will help you see clearly.

I was also a big user of "tossing me to the street like garbage" until someone said "he didn't toss you, you took the trash out." That helped me frame my situation in a more self-positive way.

Keep posting and reading! We've all been where you are and it truly helps. Hugs.

My partner sometimes said derogatory things. And I def think it's a form of self-loathing.

I think you're still trying to figure her out, but it's been 3 years. Sadly, you'll just have to accept that you'll never know what went on in her brain or soul. And the best you can do is take all thay energy and refocus it towards yourself. Do the best you can to be the best version of yourself.

You are lovable and valuable. I can tell by the way you wrote your story. It hurts like hell, but this isn't the end of your story.

RE: Derogatory Things - It could be one or more reasons:
(1)  Self-loathing
(2)  Deflection
(3)  Gas-lightening
(4)  Thou dost protest too much
(5)  Throwing you off the scent of the track or the trail

Thank you all again. I feel so much better than I did a couple days ago. I feel for all of you also. I hate to see this has happened to so many people. And there are, no doubt, countless others who are silent about it. I have read through a lot of stories here and I know my situation is far from unique now.

I was 100% faithful and honest to her from the day I met her. I seriously didn't look at or think about other women. The problem was, she did. I feel stupid for telling everyone how I was lucky to have a woman who never talked about or looked at other men. I told everyone how I could trust her. She told me repeatedly how cheating was against everything she believed in. She literally begged me to promise I would never leave her. She was the one who pushed for engagement and marriage. She insisted on a traditional church wedding. I went through marriage classes and the whole nine for her. I still have my ring because it still means something to me. She hocked hers. I am not saying I was a perfect Husband by any means, but I did everything I could to make her happy.

I need to work past feeling bad about being angry or not liking her. I have made myself feel guilty for having anger or even hatred toward her. When this first happened, she criticized me for making it all about me. She tried to tell me it was harder for her. In a way, I understand it was hard for her to admit everything and accept who she was. She says she knew it would hurt me so that is why she tried to keep it a secret as long as she could. I'm sure she was scared to tell me. That, I understand, but I wish she would have instead of me having to find it the hard way.

Daryl, I think you are right about her trivializing the situation. She kept saying "But it's not like it's another guy. You are still the only man I would ever be with if I wanted to be with a man again." How am I supposed to feel about that? She honestly didn't understand why I was so upset. I think that falls into the completely separate category of her mental problems. I have found out some things from a mutual friend recently that shed some new light on her past. Apparently she left a lot of details out about things that happened back then.

A couple other things that stand out in my memory. When I told her she lied to my face she said "No I didn't. I always looked away when I lied." Like that makes it better? And when I told her she said she would never cheat on me, she said "I said I would never cheat on you with another MAN." So I guess that technicality justifies it in her warped mind.

Last edited by PittGuy76 (August 26, 2016 8:45 pm)

Thanks. I guess I should say my age. I just turned 40 and the XW just turned 34. Our B-days are 7 days apart. Not Sure AARP would want me yet

Last edited by PittGuy76 (August 27, 2016 2:29 am)