Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

September 12, 2018 8:51 pm  #41

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

I just finished watching "The Staircase" ... I can't imagine watching that from your position. As a juror, I would have had reasonable doubt (so much circumstantial evidence ... the examinors should have done a much better job)! I truly believe he was guilty in both cases. Watching him during the whole series, he was never genuine ... like he was always acting. I saw so much raw emotion from so many in the defense, but never from him. He's a sociopath.


September 12, 2018 10:57 pm  #42

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Uh huh Mas,

I know my position is jaded (there was so much other evidence not shown on the show).  But, ya total sociopath.  Watching the show and especially him, brought back so many memories of XH.  Even though I’m jaded, I do believe that I’m right about my unknown true statistics.  Just the thought, that so many like my ex.  Have lived their entire lives acting/hiding their truths.  I’m not saying that every gid is capable of such things.  I just know that mine was.  Just the entire thought, that I almost died and the real reason why, would never have been known.

I’m getting over it, not reading up on that trial anymore.  Getting over the SD loss.  Trying to get physically healthy.  Thank you for all your support.  I’m doing the best I can to keep on the right healing track.   One day at a time.

     Thread Starter

September 13, 2018 8:57 am  #43

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

I totally agree that gay spouses killing or attempting to kill straight spouses is not something that is tracked. It, just like them, are all in the closet.

I'm glad you are working on getting yourself physically healthy. Working on you psychological health at the same time is important too as they go hand in hand. Get yourself out for some walks; sunlight and fresh air can do wonders for the heart and soul. Keep coming back to SSN at least online. Is there a support group location near you? I'm going to my first one on the 24th (right after I my appointment to get tested for STDs and HIV).

Stay calm and carry on!
God bless


September 13, 2018 10:06 am  #44

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Thanks Mass, I am working on my psychological health.  Thinking of my story that I wrote and the place I was in 6 months after leaving XH and before the attack.   I was “getting happy”, although I was never going to be the same again and finding myself was definitely going to be a process .

My heart is with you, about your testing.  I cried like a baby, telling anyone who I had contact with (including probably the receptionist and payment clerk when I checked out lol) that it wasn’t fair to have been faithfully married for 22 years and have to be tested for such things.  It just plain sucks. 

Everything about it just sucks and the SD thing just made so much anger re surface.  I think I got obsessed with the documentary, because of the sociopath thing.  It shows a different side of the Grace and Frankie.  My XH is not a nice guy, plain and simple.  Like I told the cops after the attack, he can look at anybody and lie to your face about the time of day, without blinking an eye.  AND you will believe him.

Also harder getting over the loss of my Mother 6 years ago.  She was still alive when I started to suspect the truth.  SHE believed it, she was my biggest supporter of me leaving him.  It broke her heart when I took him back.   Regrets and loss.  I wish I had a support group near me.  I may have to make the drive to go and stay in a hotel.  That’s part of my dilemma right now, not wanting to hurt new husband.  Almost like I used to feel, “why am I not enough to make you happy”.  He knows I’m coming on here, but like I wonder myself.  Do I just need to stay off and go back to burying the past ?   But then again, if we all did that, who would be around to support the new people who come on here and the lurkers (like my former self , lol)

I told new hubby last night.  That I do think I had found this site at some point when I was still with XH, but was afraid of getting caught me him.  Isn’t that hysterical , but that’s what kind of fear I was living under.

My prayers will be with you Mass and that all your tests will be negative.

Last edited by 4everdamaged (September 13, 2018 10:09 am)

     Thread Starter

September 14, 2018 12:09 pm  #45

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

So my current update lol (who’s reading this, lol?  Hope it’s helpful to those reading).  I just started a new thread with questions for the old timers.  Being in bed sick lately, I’ve been going back reading really old posts.  It seems like “most” people come on here for awhile at the start of their journey.  Then go away, hopefully moving on with their new lives.

I WAS doing just that, up until the SD thing.  I’m still fighting the desire to call him.  But I’ve come to the realization that I’m just clinging to that last connection to basically my past/whole life (up until 3 years ago).  I feel like someone who has gone into the witness protection program, leaving everything and everyone behind.  Moving to a new place , changing my name, new house, new things, hell NEW HUSBAND lol.

I realized yesterday, that I was uncomfortable being sick in my new home.  New bedroom, new bed, new cat! (was a dog person with XH).  Just the bed, lol.  I had the same bedroom set in all three of the homes I lived in with XH, it was beautiful.  Having too many health problems to list, I’ll just say that I spent a lot of time sick in that bed.  I was comfortable in it in all 3 homes (sounds like a metaphor of my former marriage).  I did get that bedroom set in the divorce, but sold it to the new home buyer.   I remember saying that I would rather burn it then ever sleep in it again. I’m not talking about the mattress, the set itself that I had saved for, cherished polished, etc (again a metaphor of my former marriage ).

Wow, does this feeling EVER go away?  I look forward to new hubby and I buying a new bedroom set (when we move in a few years).  We are buying a new mattress soon,  maybe that will help.

Going back and reading the really old threads has been good for me.  We all go through so much of the same thing.  Same questions, same hurts.  Just add attempt murder in mine lol.  I really can laugh over that.  It seems like I’ve been different my entire life, even on this board.  BUT, there are others who have posted on here that were “given” lifelong parting gifts in the form of std,s. (again Mass I’m praying for you).

Time to putt this down, my self pity is slowly leaving me and I am starting to have a heart of gratitude again.  Time to make myself and new hubby the priority again.  I’m making a vow right now, not to come back on the board till Monday.  Sounds like a good start.  Blessings going out to all the lurkers out there.  I can say this, after 3 years of lurking myself, it has felt good to post.  To share.

Last edited by 4everdamaged (September 14, 2018 12:10 pm)

     Thread Starter

September 15, 2018 5:26 pm  #46

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

I'm still reading! And yes, it is helpful! I don't post much, but I'm here, and learning. 


September 15, 2018 9:01 pm  #47

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

OK, so new hubby made a liar out of me lol.  He just had to go to work, so here I am.  Glad I came on, a private message let me know that I am "helping" someone else.  It really is amazing how our stories can be just so similar.
That message made me think back on so many things, absolutely insane things that I put up with, before having the courage to leave.

One of the things, I'll add to this little blog.  That when I say I was very sick when I left XH, that's an understatement.  That I was literally crazy and lived in so much fear of him.  I was very disabled by the time I left.  All the mental abuse made my MS worse.  I could barely walk.  I could barely drive anymore.  He LIKED/WANTED me sick and dependent on him. 

Passive/Aggressive, wanted me dead, WOW.  That last summer living in the country isolated.  I laid on the floor for over 6 hours screaming in pain (I didn't know I had a kidney stone).  Begging him to take me to the hospital, then begging him to call 911.  He just sat there getting high telling me no.  I was so afraid of him (I think I knew he wanted me dead, looking back I'm sure he was hoping I would die).   Only when I started to crawl to the phone to call 911 myself, did he finally put me in the car and take me to the hospital.  WOW, did anybody ever see the movie Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Lol.  Looking back, it was not too long after that incident that I called my step-brother to come help me leave him.  Maybe that was the one thing I did right, was asking for help that day.  Who knows what would have happened if I had tried it alone.

What I can say now though, is that my health and sanity have improved greatly.   Both started coming back very fast, once I was in an appartment and was safe.  I have always said that If I wrote a book, the title would be "The coldest winter of my life".  I moved into an apartment in the month of November.  The new city I was living in, had snow.  Real snow, that I had never lived in, my entire life.   But money was a little tight.  I had a nice apartment with a view, but little else, lol.  I had promised him I would not touch any of my 401K until January, for the purpose of joint taxes.  Having left with what I could put in my car.  I literally had a "pallet" of sleeping bags on the floor of the living room and a tv on a box.  A used queen sized bed and dresser.  Kitchen had the bare essentials that I got from a garage sale.

But it was the start of my new life.  A better life.  I stick with what I said when I left him, "It,s all just stuff".  Stuff has been replaceable. 

Last edited by 4everdamaged (September 16, 2018 10:15 am)

     Thread Starter

September 17, 2018 11:07 am  #48

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Wow, I commented on another thread about reading a new posters story.  Their story triggered many memories of my XH, made me think about, what really is his “thing”. I’ve said all along that I did not really know what his affiliation is.  I went to re read the new posters story and they deleted it, bummer.  But they had said they were going to an attorney today.  So who knows.

So very sad, the FEAR.  So much fear associated with all of this stuff (on both sides of the fence).  Just like I’m afraid to actually write my book.  FEAR of XH.  Like I wrote in my story, when XH tried to kill me.  I refused to be afraid of him anymore.  Unless I write that book and have to delete this stuff, I won’t.  Too many people are out there reading.  Reading and suffering in their silent closets.  Or are some of the readers the perpetrators of the pain?

Okay, I’m getting over being sick.  Time to get up and MOVE.  Time to be present in my new life again and do something positive today.

     Thread Starter

September 17, 2018 11:18 am  #49

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

4ever, I know I have gone back and deleted some of my posts. I deleted them, however, for legal reasons. My spouse has some crazy notions and is angry and I have no doubt would twist anything I say into something else and use it against me. So, until my divorce is final, I am not sharing much in the way of details. 

So, maybe the poster you are referring to is just taking measures to protect herself until all this is over. 


September 18, 2018 1:56 pm  #50

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Oh I get it Stronger and I wish you and them all the best of luck.  “Over”, that’s a good word.  I guess that’s what I’ve been dealing with the last few weeks.  Finally getting over the complete and utter destruction he created in my life.  The recent “final loss” of my Step-Dad.  The internal anger, from those who refused to accept or understand. 

I guess that’s why it’s been nice to “have a voice”.  I lost it for so many years.  I can’t change what happened yesterday.  But I can’t help but wonder.  If “our” stories had been more prevalent in the world.  Would I have woken up sooner.  And not just the sweet Grace and Frankie stuff.  Even that really, not that sweet.  Years of being lied to, now left to start over (and in reality, most of us don’t have a nice cushy beach house to go live in).

I just wonder how many of us, experience more sinister endings.  They are so good at deflecting, how many others like me, got deflected from the main problem. By their, drug, alcohol, gambling etc etc etc addictions.  As others have stated it all becomes domestic abuse, sick.  Just sickening.

     Thread Starter

Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum