Pittyguy,

Cheer up.  With no kids I see little reason you need to talk to her.  I mean you could talk to her all you want but all you will get us hurt.. 
My lezex did pretty much the same thing...went away overnight with a friend and then that was it...never came near me again (thank god). 

I don't have good self esteem either but I do have basic human dignity ..which was trampled and abused by her.

Be kind to yourself, get a therapist..  move forward without constant abuse and hurt.

Pittguy, 

You are not alone.  I'm glad you are here.  We can help each other through this. 

You may think you are the only person in the world who has gone through this.. but here.. you are one of many.  Your story is so much like mine that it's scary.  I know EXACTLY how you feel.. Though I'm only 2 months into the pain of finding out.  I also have kids and had 16 years of marriage before I learned it was a fraud.  However, the point is.. you are not alone.  We can share the pain. 

You said this in your post, but I want to make sure you really believe it..  It is not your fault!  Repeat after me..  "It's not my fault".  Keep saying it until you believe it 100%.   She lived the lie and she has fault, but not you. 

I've used the "thrown out like the trash" metaphor so many times.  I feel the exact same way.  


Keep talking.. keep sharing..   Tell us more about your emotions and instabilities so we can help you get through them.  You need to get over her and move on and be happy.   Don't try to run from your emotions or avoid the healing process.  Face it head on, get help and support so that you can heal and be healthy and ready to find a new woman to share your life with.   I keep hearing people say it will get better.  I'm confident that they are right. 



 

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and reply. It is nice to finally meet people who understand what I have been through! I have so much more I want to share and ask. I also would like to get to a place were I can start helping others to deal with their own situations. It really helps to just get everything out there in words. I have never really sat down and thought everything out and put it out there.

I do realize I am lucky that my relationship was only a short one. Finding out sooner than later is a good thing, I guess. I can't imagine what it must be like for those of you who were together for 15+ years of marriage. And I'm sure it is very complicated with children involved. Right before this happened to me, My Aunt found out her Husband of 40 years had been cheating on her (with a woman). They had been together since they were 16, and have two adult children. I saw the devastation she went through. My XW was saying how terrible my Uncle was, and how she would never do that to me. Only a couple months later, I was going through it.

I have tried the zero contact / out of site, out of mind approach. It is difficult since we live only a couple minutes from each other in the same small town. We know a lot of mutual people. I worked in a store where she and her girlfriend would come in. I had to quit my job over that. Well, I didn't  HAVE to but it was hard to keep seeing her. I would be a wreck for days after seeing them together. We still have a few material possessions of each other's also. She wants to meet so she can give me a box of stuff and I am terrified to see her. I have no idea how I might feel. I have not seen her in almost a year.

She has always been the one to maintain contact with me. She says she wishes we could be friends and I could be in her life in some way. I know there is no way that could happen. Seeing her with someone else is still too difficult. I don't think she quite gets what she has done to me. I didn't fall out of love with her, she fell out of love with me. I have told her you can't just turn off true feelings overnight.

The conflict I have is not knowing what to feel for her. Anger, frustration, understanding, loss. I still love her as the woman I thought I knew, but I don't know if it was real. I want to believe she truly did not know she was a lesbian when we met and married, but how could she not know? I don't want to have hatred for the entire LGBT community, but it is difficult. Maybe I am still partly in denial that she is an actual lesbian, and not just going through one of her many phases or obsessions. Without sharing too much personal info, she does have other issues and history of mental health problems. The bottom line is not knowing for sure if she just used me, or truly loved me. She says she loved me and I want to believe that.

  I know it was not my fault. That is both comforting and hurtful at the same time. To know everything I did for her and to try to keep us together was pointless. I feel like she has won in this. She has someone else, her own house, good job, has lost weight and is happy. I did everything right, and I'm the one suffering? Not trying to be a victim, that's just how I feel. Her ex friends have all told me I am better off without her and that she always had a reputation for being a little nuts. I wish they would have told me that before lol.

Oh well, I could go on all day but I don't want to take up too much space. Thank you all again. This is a huge help already.

Last edited by PittGuy76 (August 26, 2016 9:46 am)

Take up as much space as you want..  as much space as you can. 

I've found this to be incredible therapy.  It helps for me to type out my feelings.  It's like you let them go a little bit each time you say or type them out.  It helpful to not only express my own emotions, but also to read about others and find ways that I think I might be able to offer help and support to them.  We can all share the pain and it lessons for each of us as we share it.