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August 6, 2018 5:04 pm  #1

Is he Gay, Bi sexual or a sex addict?

Hi I am new, brought here because for the past year I have been dealing with an immense amount of stuff in my relationship and it's become overwhelming.

I (female) have been with my common law husband for 5 years. I have a child from a prior marriage, he does not have any children and has never been married. We're both around 40. My child views him as a step father and they have a wonderful bond. My SO travels a lot for work and his travels haven't interfered with our relationship until this past year when all hell broke loose last August. He is a very masculine male I am an attractive female. Great sex life, open minded nothing stagnant or not happening there. 

A few people close to me know the story.

Late summer 2017 it came to my attention my SO was having multiple messaging, sexting, emailing, phone sex relationships with various women (One who also was close to me) from various cities he had traveled to.
It came to light at the same time via phone records he had also been seeing a Transvestite massage (I checked the ad and it's strictly advertised as Erotic massage only). He admitted he had been going to the TV massage off and on for the last few years, even prior to our relationship. He claimed it was because he had heard the best type of hand job you'll ever receive is from a man as it's like they worship and know what to do but he couldn't bring himself to go to a man. He stated through the years his thing was getting massaged with the hot oil and the hand release ending. He had said he went to women prior but he one day searched and found this TV massage. And felt that it wasn't as bad to go to the TV when he was in a relationship. (Ahem BS) I will say the TV looks full on 100% woman (sorry if I offend anyone that is not my intention). He said though when he would go he would be so nervous and shaking and have a blindfold on because he was ashamed.
He had promised there was never any sex or oral sex (whether it's true or not that's what he claimed) with anyone. The messaging was strictly sexual because he got turned on by the sexual messaging, phone sex, videos whatever but he never met anyone in person other then the TV massage.
So when this all came out I ended things moved out of our home. After about 2 months and his begging to work things out I wavered because I do truly love and care for him even though he hurt me like hell. Yes, I insisted both of us go to the DR for testing as well). He moved into where I moved. We were working things out but with his work schedule and traveling I started getting extremely insecure and would pick fights and arguments.
I had never been a jealous or insecure person. I was always confident and easygoing and too trusting and naive. But after what had happened I changed. Then fast forward this spring. I did some snooping found he had been reaching out to various women again messaging sexually or initiating contact (preying I like to call it and feeling them out) I also found he had emailed a female erotic massage but then this is where my questioning of his sexuality has hit it's peak for me......
During my snooping I found an Uber receipt for during one of his travels to a larger city for an address ...I googled the address. It is for a male bathhouse. I kept quiet about my discoveries for almost 2 months. This past month I had finally had enough of it all building inside me and I confronted him with everything. At first he denied...and then he broke down. He admitted to it all again. Claimed there was never any meeting though this time not even with the massage he messaged. He claimed he stood in line at the bathouse but never got the nerve to go inside...he said he was ashamed and walked to a nearby bar and drank. 
He has promised to attend counseling on his own and the standard loves me doesn't want to lose me. He went for STI/Blood testing. I have taken back me the last month and started gaining more confidence.
He claims he has no desire for men but it's because of everything he's heard about how men "worship" the male body. I had made him leave home for a few days and allowed him to return but only because I knew he was going on another trip. He's currently away and I'm torn. I offered to break up let him explore that side but he claims he has no desire for the same sex or TV's he said he realizes he f'd up massively and realized he needs us. Yes, yes I know typical response...see I'm a little too cynical now lol 

Is he gay? Bi sexual? Questioning but in denial? Or a sex addict?
I obviously enjoy being in the relationship as I love him as does my child. Aside from all of this he treats us extremely  well but I don't want to attempt to work things out once again and potentially discover it's been a facade. 
Any opinions on this would be welcomed....

Last edited by Cassie (August 6, 2018 5:11 pm)


August 6, 2018 5:34 pm  #2

Re: Is he Gay, Bi sexual or a sex addict?

Cassie wrote:



His sexual identity is far less important than the fact he keeps a side of himself...his intimate, sexual life....
...hidden from you.


** ...look pressure in the eye,  
walk towards it... **


August 6, 2018 6:43 pm  #3

Re: Is he Gay, Bi sexual or a sex addict?

   Who cares what he is.  Figuring out what he is is a distraction.  The real issue is you and what you want and will tolerate; the crucial question is, is what he's doing acceptable to you?  And if not, then your course of action is clear.  
    You say you love him; do you love being gaslighted, lied to, exposed to STDs, cheated on, having to play the relationship police and listen to his minimizing excuses ("he only goes to men because they worship the male body and give better orgasms? Sound like "gay" to me!).   BTW: A "hand job" IS sex.  As someone on this forum usefully said: Just because you love something/someone doesn't mean it's/he's good for you.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 6, 2018 6:44 pm)


August 6, 2018 9:03 pm  #4

Re: Is he Gay, Bi sexual or a sex addict?

Thank you both for your responses! He has been hiding his other side.
I know it’s about my tolerance also...I realize my self worth and confidence have plummeted. I’m truly working on it. I am seeing a counselor as it’s realistically been pretty traumatic.

I came to this forum as a route of trying to gain insight from others who may have been through similar. I have never met anyone personally who has had to go through anything even remotely like this (or at least that I’m aware of).

I asked about sex addiction as that’s something therapy/counseling may help guide or address. But in reality if it his sexuality then that cannot be helped or faulted. Only his lying and cheating. I have started to feel sorry for him because if it is his sexuality he’s running from or covering it’s sad but I don’t really want to be a causality.

     Thread Starter

August 7, 2018 8:59 pm  #5

Re: Is he Gay, Bi sexual or a sex addict?

Cassie wrote:

.... I have started to feel sorry for him because if it is his sexuality he’s running from or covering it’s sad but I don’t really want to be a causality.


As hard as it might be to do so.....and since you don't wish to be a casualty.....let him figure out his own life. When  I realised it was me doing all the angsting and worrying, and my man wasn't doing any (well, not noticeably anyway).. I stopped focusing on what he was going through...and began seeing myself as more important. 

Losing trust in somebody I thought was trustworthy, but who has kept some intimate secrets to himself, was 
the biggest wake-up call I've had. I am worth more than any secret life he wishes for himself. So are you Cassie

** ...look pressure in the eye,  
walk towards it... **


August 17, 2018 4:17 pm  #6

Re: Is he Gay, Bi sexual or a sex addict?

Kick this guy to the curb.  He has a problem, and he's not trying to fix it, despite his lips saying so. You've already found out twice and let him come back / stay.  You think that's scaring him straight? No - every time he gets away with it just proves to him that he's safe from you leaving - even if you throw a fit.  Personally, I wouldn't want to be seen as that weak.

Your self-esteem will improve once you take the trash out (him).  Run like your hair's on fire. It doesn't matter WHY he's cheating or who he's doing it with - he's acting like a dog.  Put his bowl out on the curb so he can hound around all he wants. Because that's what he going to keep doing anyway.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

August 28, 2018 1:54 pm  #7

Re: Is he Gay, Bi sexual or a sex addict?

Hi Cassie,

I'm new on here also (just posted my extreme story, look for 22 years and he tried to kill me).  I've been lurking on here for three years and finally ready to share my story, look for support and more importantly try and possibly help others.  Like said above, who cares what his "problem" might be and if you can "fix" it.  

Look only to yourself and what you want out of life?  I allowed myself to be gas lighted and lied to for 22 years.  It took me reaching the absolute bottom of bottoms, to finally wake up and see the light.  Life is too short and precious to waste it.  One of my favorite slogans I have on my kitchen wall says "Life always offers us a second chance, it's called tomorrow".  I look forward to my tomorrows now, but more importantly try to make the most out of every day.



October 17, 2018 12:41 am  #8

Re: Is he Gay, Bi sexual or a sex addict?


So Ive got an interesting situation. Been dating this guy for 2 years. He was very open and honest with me from the beginning about his past. He was molested since age of 7 by male in his family and also suffers from depression. He says he was confused about his sexuality since young age however had several female relationships, one being the love of his life who died. At 19 he married a woman whom he said he never truly loved and they had 2 kids. His struggles with depression and sexuality took a toll on the marriage. He says he could never cheat on his SO but he wasn't giving her what she needed and she cheated, they divorced. HE HATES INFIDELITY. He then was in a few other hetero relationships but they never lasted. He then "went out there" as he calls it and experimented with embracing his homosexual feelings. He had a few hook ups with men, but is a very emotional, loving guy and prefers monogamous relationships. He had 2 unsuccessful relationships with men in a 12 years period. One 5 years the other 1 year. Both times he never cheated, even staying in celibate long distance relationship with one but they eventually cheated on him in both cases. He got deeper into depression, drinking, etc and hit rock bottom. About 10 years ago he went into rehab, had a "come to Jesus" turn around as he calls it and moved back in with his family. Did not date and focused on himself.  2 years ago he saw me and instantly "fell in love". Thought I was the most beautiful thing ever. Stalked me for a bit, admitted his crush, time passed, he grew on me and we ended up dating. Initially very affectionate, passionate, touchy and loved to tongue kiss... aside from some effeminate tendencies never thought he was gay. It was hard for him, but he opened up to me about his past and everything he's done with men, etc but assured me he was "done with that lifestyle". I was weary but we continued relationship. Everything was great (aside from occasional depressive bouts because he doesn't always take his ANTI dep meds ) right up unil our engagement. He fell in love waay too fast! 6 months into our relationship he was ready to propose. I stopped him and convinced him to wait it out. Finally he attempted again April of this year and I said yes. It went downhill from there. No porn/ grindr discoveries, internet searches and no talking to other guys/meetups  (I am always using his phone) and he literally works desk job, comes home and vegges out, but I noticed he loved watching RuPauls Drag Race, Grace and Frankie and caught him one time laying naked watching some skivvies band with men and women in underwear on youtube....I kinda brushed it off cus hes always naked when hes at home...His depressive bouts/drinking then increased from every other month to almost weekly. When Id ask him whats going on he kept talking about his childhood molestation ruining him and fears of not being able to satisfy me the way I deserve once were married because he's got ED (hes 45), I told him that wasnt a concern and we'd work on it together. The weeks passed, the depressive bouts progressed.  Still very loving and attentive at times but more isolated and distant. And kisses were only quick pecks. Then one super drunken night he texted me to watch "Love, Simon" then texted then next day"...this is difficult, but I am gay" After that I empathized with him and assured him I loved him but we could no longer pursue a romantic relationship as I do not have the appropriate "appendages" he desires (LOL) but we could still be friends and I wasn't mad at him. He then went to his lowest depression and drinking phase which landed him in ER. He wouldnt bathe, eat or leave his bed according to his family, since I dumped him. After he stabilized, we met for dinner a week ago. He hugged me so tight I thought I was going to die and he started sobbing! He couldnt get over how "beautiful" I was since he hadnt seen me in 2 months. He then says he made things seem too "black and white" when they arent. He says he's "not gay, but attracted to both" and although he "struggles at times with thoughts", is 100% committed to me only. He cannot accept me not being his wife and says he will try until he dies to regain my trust. He feels although he has this struggle there are many ways 2 people who love each other can express and enjoy intimacy. Whatever that means. He can be aroused with male on male thoughts  but hetero..he just cant get it up. I mean we havent tried together, we arent sexually active for moral reasons, and his fear is, since his last sexual encounter was years ago and with a man, he may have issues getting it up with me although hes "extremely attracted to me" as he puts it. I listened all night, we had a good talk but I gave him his ring back and told him that although we can never say never, that right now he should focus on his health and we can still be best friends and go from there. He seemed ok by the end of the night although he was crushed. He sent a few drunk texts begging for me to not let this go, then couple days later he checked into rehab for a 6 week program. He gets out mid November. He's hoping that Im still waiting on the other side when he gets out. He's not accepting the friendship route at all. Im super confused. Half of me is like run for the hills this guy is gay in denial! The other half is still in love with the dope
Sorry for long story. I guess my questions are:
Would a gay man be this heartbroken over a straight partner leaving them? I mean he was actively in that lifestyle for years and his family and friends knew and accepted it. He wouldn't lose anything but me if he went back to that but he doesn't want to
Is he just a heartbroken gay man lying to himself who needs to find his true gay love? Is he possibly bi and can emotionally attach to either depending on situation?
 How can he be attracted to both when he can get sexually around thinking of men but not really with women? Is he just a confused depressed guy? Am I crazy for even considering pursuing knowing that there isnt much success with monogamous MOMs even if hes not a known cheater?

Last edited by CaliShocked87 (October 17, 2018 1:14 am)


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