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1 of 1- MasONeil
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Husband disclosing to my kids today!
On August 18th, my husband of 27 years after an argument and proding disclosed that he was gay. The next day he told me that he needed to leave me. The shock and totally feeling of abandonment was overwhelming! I quickly dropped into despair. But as I floated through the next couple of days, I kept realizing that I am still me. His leaving really isn't going to make my life that much different. I actually am having a sense of relief. When asked when he first thought he was gay, he stated about 15 years ago. Our sex life has been close to nothing at all, I was always blaming it on the stresses in our lives espeically his work and our youngest son whom we foster adopted (now 19 as of today has extraordinary struggles in all aspects of his life). He said that he first acted on his orientation about 8 months ago. The last two years have been absolutely miserable, but the last 8 months he has been fairly cruel and dismissive of me, if not flat out ignoring me.
Together we had two birthchildren and one adopted child. Our oldest son 26 just moved out last Thursday. Our middle son, 23, has been living in FL for about two years. Our youngest son (with special needs), 19, was just put in a new placement on July 23rd. After my husband finally came out to me, I asked if the kids knew, he said no. I asked when he was going to tell them and he said perhaps the middle of September. I immediately told him that I was not going to live a lie for a month and he had until 9/1 to tell them or I would.
This morning he has flown to Florida to tell our middle son (because this worked with our son's schedule best). I am going to be Skyped in for the "announcement" ... I have no idea what to expect for either of them. My plan is to let my son know that I am fine and coping the best that I can. And that he should be as supportive of his father. He will always be his dad. The oldest son will be told tomorrow and the youngest on Friday so that he has us here to support him with any questions.
If anyone can share what their experiences are when telling your adult children, I would greatly appreciate it so that I can support them through this horrific process.
- phoenix
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Re: Husband disclosing to my kids today!
Hi Mas,
Welcome to our group. Wish you didn't have to be here, but I'm glad you found us.
I can't personally give you advice on telling adult children because my kids were young when I told them. But, there are many others on this forum who can share useful experience and advice, so hopefully they will chime in soon and offer some help.
If I were to offer advice, I would say that even in their 20's the message probably isn't too different than for little kiddos.. "Mom and Dad both love you and even though our relationship will change it doesn't change how each of us feel about you and love you. This isn't your fault.. nothing you did our could do in the future would change anything. This news shouldn't impact your life, finances, living arrangements, etc.. "
How are you holding up? You are just 2 weeks into this. Are you eating and sleeping and getting through the days ok? Have you found anyone to talk to locally like a therapist and some close friends?
Please do stick around and share what's going on and how we can help as you progress through this.
Last edited by phoenix (August 27, 2018 10:53 am)
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- MasONeil
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Re: Husband disclosing to my kids today!
I actually didn't realize I wasn't eating the first two days, so I have made a point to eat something. Sleeping has eluded me, but I'm getting a few hours a night now. I am a religious person and have prayed to respond in kindness if not love. I have also clung to the Serenity Prayer (God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and the Wisdom to know the difference.) I know this is not something I can change, but now I must move forward and fix my life and my childrens' lives the best that I can.
I am very fortunate to have a therapist who I have work with and with my youngest son. She was the first person I texted about it. Every day I have added someone else of my family and friends. This helped make it real to me. I have an amazing support around me. I've gone for walks with them, had lunch with them and been offered escape routes by them all. I started to inform my family last Wednesday and they are all very supportive. I still haven't told one brother or my parents, as I want my children to know before they do.
I am mourning the loss of what I thought life would be. But now I am slowing feeling a rebirth of who I am/was ... it really WAS NOT me all that time I was trying to fix us. I cycle through my emotions daily ... each at different intensities. After watching a dear friend fight to save her failed marriage even though her husband repeatedly told her it was over, I just can't bear the thought of fighting for what is truly gone. I can only pray that as we move forward we can be amiacable towards each other, if not friends somewhere down the line. He will always be the father of my children. He was my best friend and my whole life, the thought of him not in it is unbearable ... so friends it will have to be.
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Thread Starter- phoenix
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Re: Husband disclosing to my kids today!
Mas,
How did things go yesterday?
I'm glad to read your last post yesterday. I'm very religious as well and I'm so glad to hear you are finding peace in your relationship with God. That is wonderful to hear. My faith was my light in the darkest times and God carried me through this struggle and molded me into who I am today.
Great to hear that you have a therapist and you are already working with her. I'm glad you have reached out to friends to gain support as well. You are making all the right choices so far.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- MasONeil
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Re: Husband disclosing to my kids today!
Our 23 year old son was shocked to say the least. I haven't had the opportuntity to talked to him privately. My husband seems to think he appears uneffected ... something I greatly doubt!
Tonight we are supposed to our eldest son (26). Dad says he is going to bring Chinese food to apparently sit and chat over. I really don't know if I can stay for a meal ... I strongly doubt I will feel like hanging out with him! I will pray that I am able to do whatever is best for my son and go with that.
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Thread Starter- phoenix
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Re: Husband disclosing to my kids today!
I will be praying for your talk tonight and that you get a chance to follow up with the 23 year old.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.