ByHisWounds (and I know exactly what that means - and I agree),

Please know that even if your wife ended her relationship with her girlfriend, it wouldn't mean that things would magically go back to being perfect.  Lines have been crossed, and you are now aware that she is fully capable of intentionally putting you on the back burner for her own needs.  That MEANS something. It won't be undone even if she chooses to stop her outside relationship. And she won't suddenly be straight just because she's not carrying on with someone of her same sex.  I myself was married for 16 years to a man I'm not even certain ever cheated on me. And you know what? STILL - despite him not having committed his heart elsewhere - it didn't mean that I had his heart.  He was incapable of giving it to me - it was only open to being fully given to a man, apparently.  I had all of him that I think any woman could ever have had.  And it was just a small percentage of him. I always felt he was somewhat unknowable, opaque, holding back, unavailable, distracted and removed - not just from me, but also from our children/family. I, because of that, always felt like I was working hard for something without being given a good return on my investment. That he didn't trust me fully to reveal himself to me. That I myself was unseen - he would only see me as much as he allowed himself to be seen, after all.  I was invisible to him in a way that a woman should not be to her husband - to her lover, to her protector.  He stayed, and for much of the marriage at least - stayed faithful. But I still never fully had him.

You may think that having most of her might be better than none.  In theory, I don't disagree.  But that's not how love works, really.  It's not just having a little tiny piece of them - that just leaves hunger for more. It's like giving someone one chocolate chip a day for a lifetime. Some days you can get two or even three. Doled out one at a time, of course. Never enough for a full mouthful - to taste it overwhelmingling and satifsfying slide down your throat. Never enough to make something out of. Just enough to entice. It's like being pecked to death by chickens. It's torture.  I'd rather have no one in my life than ever again have such a "shadow" relationship as I did before.  It was agonizing.  I was hanging onto any little bit, never stopping to realize that I'd never accept this little bit from any other new relationship.

Your wife might (or might not) be able to commit to your marriage and her children/family.  But it doesn't mean that it will be good, or great. It's like having the world's cutest puppy, but all they ever do is bite and growl and snap at you.  SOMETIMES they may "let" you pet them, but they will never come to you to play, cuddle, or snuggle with.  It leaves you always thinking that you're doing something wrong. Because that's exactly the impression they give you. You can never be happy that way - with this being just tolerating you and taking what they need from you when they want it. You need for it to love you back - want you back. That's where the satisfaction comes from.  And if she is not straight, she may not be capable of giving you those things on a consistent, long-term basis. Just enough to string you along, hoping for more someday. A someday that never comes.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (August 20, 2018 3:18 pm)