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August 10, 2018 4:02 pm  #21

Re: Was it really just a phase??

Hi Rosie,

It is hard to leave you to twist in the wind.  So I am having one last go - he is not being honest.  When he turns things around to say what if he thought he was bi but now thinks he's straight it's well it's not straightforward is it, imo it falls well and truly in the category of messing with your head.

Who has chosen the couples counsellor - him?

Many people who have come to this site have gone to couples counselling.  It is either a well meaning straight who doesn't understand you are up against gay or it is a 'gay friendly' one who will tell you how to make your gay partner more comfortable.  Neither of these scenarios help the straight.  In both cases you are likely to find you are being told what you have to do to make things better.  

And you are there trying to make things better for your partner.

Who is in the room sticking up for Rosie?

Many people have reported their gay partner won't admit to being gay in front of a straight counsellor but if your partner is being honest and wants to live the straight life then what else can he do but get couples therapy from a straight counsellor of your choice and be honest about who he is, talk about the gay thing.  

Hope you find the right people around you, hope you have some good friends and family to spend time with, when there's no one there's nature, there's a garden, life around you.  Look after yourself.  wishing you all the best, Lily.


Last edited by lily (August 10, 2018 4:03 pm)


August 17, 2018 4:08 pm  #22

Re: Was it really just a phase??

I'm sorry - but you don't get to just take back something like "I think I may be bi", and then go back to "Nope - turns out I wasn't".  Wtf is that?  It's not like thinking you're pregnant due to symptoms and then taking the test and finding out you were wrong. Or thinking you're allergic to the cat, but then figuring out it was actually seasonal allergies.  You can't just take back that you're a man who's attracted to and turned on by sexual thoughts of men. Jeez.  They just do that because they for some reason didn't think that their statement was going to lose them what they now feel in danger of losing.  So - oopsie - better back up and say you've reconsidered.  But you can't take back that you were thinking about men and excited by said thoughts.

Now,.... you can change your mind about your intention to be faithful in your marriage.  IF you're being honest, you can make a decision that no - what you stand to lose might be too much for what you feel it's worth.  But that won't make those other sexual urges go away. And to me - those matter.  If my man wasn't sexually excited by me, but was by men, then I feel like it's a lost cause. Because I'm never going to be able to sexually satisfy him.  I had that - and I left it. Now I have a straight relationship, and the difference is night and day. I will never, ever again go back to someone who feels complacent about me - even if that's not because they're sexually attracted to their same sex.  I will never again make someone a priority if they're making me an option.

I'd suggest going to a counselor JUST for you - alone.  The point of marriage counseling is to mend the break - and that's what the counselor will be focusing on - even if that's not the best option for your needs.  When you're at an impasse, what's the point of that? Maybe you don't feel you're at an impasse though, and want to try to see if you can make a go of it.  Go ahead - you have every right to.  But don't be surprised when the sessions turn out to be either a) all about him, or b) all about how you're not trusting him 1000% after him dropping such a bomb.  Neither is a position I'd recommend anyone put themselves into.

Best to you -


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

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