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August 11, 2018 11:55 am  #1

Introducing Myself and Sharing My Story

I am copying this post that I shared in the support section, under Gay and Divorcing.  I just realized that the title may be deceiving.  It sounds like I am the one who is gay!

"Hello everyone.  I am new to this forum.  My road has been a long and painful one.  My husband and I of almost 14 years are getting ready to go through the divorce process.  We have struggled in our marriage for several years now.  Our marriage has never been a very happy one.  We always supported each other and loved each other, but we never connected and became "one" physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  So much of this was because of me and my failures.  From the beginning of our marriage, I began to have one health problem unfold after another, after another... On top of this, I was struggling to adjust to living in a different part of the country.  I have always been very attached to my family-parents, siblings.  So, this move was very hard for me considering I had always lived near them.  Anyway, intimacy was always a struggle for us, and almost non-existent.  This was because of my health issues, and consequently, it caused me to have anxiety problems and depression.  It was like a snowball effect.  He knew having sex was almost always very painful for me, even with medical interventions.  He was trying to be kind, so he never initiated much.  When we did try, it was stressful, painful, and awkward.  This continued, with there being a few times we had success.  In addition, I don't think we bonded emotionally, as a husband and wife should do.  

Eventually, he just exploded and told me that he was extremely unhappy with his life.  He said our lack of intimacy and connection and communication was killing him, making him severely depressed.  He said something had to change in our marriage, or it would be over.  This went on for a long time, with him telling me that everything that has been failing in our marriage was my fault.  I tried so many things to make it better.  I did have a very stressful job that also was making me physically sick, but I kept going because we needed the income.  We tried counseling, and even a weekend marriage retreat.  After this retreat, we seemed to be connecting better and he seemed enthusiastic about us moving forward.  Well, he got his dream job offer across the country.  We planned to move.  I had to stay behind to finish teaching.  

About 2 weeks before he left, he confessed to me that he has been attracted to the same sex since he was very young.  He told me he had hid it from everyone.  He had never told anyone;, because of his shame.  He said he prayed and prayed that it would go away, but never did.  He said because he was fighting this and trying to suppress it, that it was causing him to be severely depressed and he didn't want to live life anymore.  He said he had come to a place where he was finally comfortable with who he was.  He asked if I could accept this fact.  I told him that I could if he was still committed to our marriage.  He replied that he didn't know what the future would hold.  Hello!  Red flag for me!!!  He said he was telling me so that I could decide if I wanted to move with him.  I did debate it for awhile.  But, I finally decided to join him, because he said he thought we needed each other and he hadn't said he wanted a divorce.

Fast forward...We did okay for a few months.  Then, the "s##! hit the fan."  He began becoming extremely unhappy with our marriage.  We have spent every holiday apart since.  We discussed and talked and fought.  He once again, for months, told me that the failure of our marriage was my fault.  I tried to make things better.  I asked if we could go to counseling.  He said he didn't see what good it would do, because of who he is.  Finally, he admitted that it probably wouldn't have mattered if I had done everything right and good, that we still wouldn't be able to stay together, because we are incompatible, because I am a woman.  

Anyway, now we are planning on divorcing.  I am absolutely heart broken.  There are some days that I am so depressed, that I don't even want to drink water.  Of course I know that I have dealing with all the emotions one has when you get divorced and lose your spouse.  But, I am dealing with daily guilt over the ways in which I know I failed at being a loving, supportive wife.  I have told him several times how sorry I am for all the ways I have hurt him throughout our marriage  He has told me that he forgives me and that it's water under the bridge and that I don't need to apologize anymore.  I still can't let it go.  I know God has forgiven me.  But, to think that if I had been the loving, supportive spouse that I should have been, maybe he would have been happy and wanted to stay.  But as it is, he is not happy, and has never been."

We are now beginning the process of divorcing.  I find that I am going back and forth through the stages of grief.  From denial to depression and back and forth.  My feelings vary throughout the day.  I am scared of the future.  When you have shared your life with someone over 14 years, the thought of being on your own is terrifying!


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