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August 9, 2018 6:47 pm  #1

Still Loving Him

I suspected when I began to date my husband that he may have some feminine tendencies, that before he accepted Jesus and went to Seminary, that there may have been some gay or bi tendencies, but if they were there he had left them behind to live for the Lord. He was and still is a perfect gentleman, kind and considerate. Loves my two daughters from my first marriage and raised them as his own. He adores our grandchildren. We courted and 9 months after meeting became husband and wife. He came from a horribly abusive family and at that point there was no relationship with his siblings and parents were both dead. I thought everything was fine for 28 years and then He began to have disocciation e[isodes, couldn't eat because of the invasive memories, he had awful night terrors for years. Nearly 2 years ago he had a breakdown and in the darkest times he considered suicide. The whole family pulled together and we were able to get him into Therapy which has been immensely helpful and He is on the road to recovery. One of the things that came about through Therapy, was his confession of Same Sex Attraction. He had not been unfaithful in our marriage. We were both hard working people, had a family life, pastored a church, and did ministries outside of the church as well. Several months went by and it was obvious he was miserable and it went beyond his issues from the abuse he had suffered as a child. After dicussion, He admitted that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go on without knowing who he was, he did not feel complete. I agreed, in fact, I made the initial offer, for him to begin to discretely and safely explore his sexuality. He has made "friends" through contacts in the men's group he attends, as well as a couple of coffee shops frequented by academics, business people, of whom many are gay or bisexual. I have even met some of them in social settings. My husband has a rare disease which has left him with an extremely low functioning immune system and after injuring his leg about 3 weeks ago it became infected. EMT's transported him to hospital and he was in Sepsis Shock and his kidneys had begun to shut down, I nearly lost him. For two weeks we fought to keep him alive, and in that time I determined again, that I wanted this marriage to work if it were at all posible. I cannot imagine a world in which I do not hear him speaking, singing, lauighing, playing pranks on our grandchildren, preaching or teaching at church. We are working on a number of areas but number one is to work on ourselve and our marriage. I try not to think too much about the far future. I can only live in today, we are not promised tomorrow. And though there are times when I just want it to go back to the way things were, we are in the here and now, and the here and now is where we must live! Thanks for listening!


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