@lostdad - he kept saying "are you sure that is what you want to do...are you gonna text me tomorrow and say you aren't sure??" I am sure. Knowing that he looks at gay porn and gets off to it will haunt me for the rest of my life. It makes me not feel special and now how a "wife" should feel. He also has admitted to me a few times that he think he may be bisexual and then he changes his story - there is no consistency, yet he said today" I know who I am, you need to accept it or move on." He literally said that to me today yet one day he says he is bi and the next day he isn't. I can't do this. I don't deserve this. It is going to be hard as hell.

I have been living with my mom and stepdad for a month now and him and I have been talking and going to counseling during this time. In the state I live in you have to  be separated a year before you can file for divorce, but you can fill out the divorce papers after 11 months. So next June will be when I can start the paper work  This is a nightmare, but I'm also hoping it is a blessing too in the long run.... Like you said, I have seen lots of people on here who were with their spouse for a very long time. Him and I were together 4 years and lived together 3...and now today I sit here and feel like I don't truly know who he is. I don't even think he does. I think he is so deep in denial and keeps trying to make me feel bad b/c I am the one "leaving."  This sucks so bad...  

Oh, and to top it off he made a joke about "Can I have the TV" on the phone today. Really..REALLY?!? what the hell is wrong with him?! I don't think he gets the magnitude of this situation and how serious it is... 

Last edited by ca32128 (August 22, 2016 2:59 pm)

Congrats on the path to reclaiming your life, you will get through it, I know it sucks. As far as the waiting period, which is plain nuts, is there an option of a legal separation in the meantime to protect you financially? If it's any consolation, a good, good friend married young and quickly realized she made a mistake, and got divorced. She's been happily remarried for over 25 years with 2 great kids. There is an honest guy out there for you that will love and cherish you the way you deserve, he isn't it, and never has been. And he has no remorse or compassion, just pathetic.

Good for you!  I am one of those 30+ years folks, but I think it really hurts to leave no matter how many or few years you have invested.  I promise it will get better over time, even as you wait for the date to file.  One of the hardest parts of all of this is making that initial decision to stay or go.  It is torturous.  Now that you have firmly decided, all that waffling back and forth and weighing pros and cons and so forth can just stop.  Now you can feel sad when you need to and grieve the loss of your marriage and the future hopes and dreams that are also gone.  You can also start imagining your new life and hopefully you will soon if not already start imagining all the interesting good things ahead of you.  You may occasionally second-guess your decision ... acknowledge that to yourself right now so that it doesn't blindside you and panic you into undoing your hard won step towards freedom sometime in the future.  There is no need to feel hateful towards him ... you simply need something quite different from a husband than what he can give.  (This advice comes from a very hateful woman, but our situations are quite different!!)  Congratulations to you and I hope you have gained some peace in your life.

I understand.  It IS really hard.  But you can love each other without being married to each other.  And for right now, just keep as little contact with him as possible.  Human beings create emotional attachments to each other and you need to let that attachment go.  People often express this confusion as a disconnect between their brain and their heart.  You know intellectually you want to gracefully leave the marriage, but your heart is still attached.  NO CONTACT is how you let your heart gain the distance it needs.  You are not being mean to him, rather you are being kind to both of you by allowing the next necessary step to happen.  The next two weeks will be the hardest ones.  If you break no contact, the clock starts over again.  Keep busy, eat well, get outside and exercise, lean on family and friends, and take a sleep aid if you need it.  Cry your heart out ... don't bottle it up.  But give yourself the gift of time to adjust ... don't just walk back into the fire to make the pain stop.  You will only end up with more pain down the road.  (((Hugs))) 

ca32128 wrote:

Well, here I am sitting here crying because I "made" my decision the other day and now I'm unsure of it. I feel like I change my mind EVERY day! This sucks so bad! I miss him so much and feel like I want to work through this sometimes. I know he loves me and I love him. I just don't know....I hate this! 

I'm still in denial about my situation.   I don't want to lose my wife despite her decision and her actions.  So I completely understand how hard it is to detach and move on.  Your love for him was real and losing him will be hard. 

If I detach myself and look at your situation, I think you absolutely made the right decision.  It's hard to envision where you will be in a couple of years, but I know you will be happier.  Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with a gay person?  How long do you think he will go before he has to act on his urges?  How much more painful will that be?  How can you live with someone without trust?  How could you go through life without wondering when he will leave you to be with another man?  I think if you consider what your marriage would be like going forward from here you will realize that it is not a good life to live.  

Be confident in your decision.  You put a lot of thought into it.  It was not an easy decision to make, but I think you went through the process correctly and gave it enough time.  I think his reaction to your decision was enough evidence of where he is right now.  Trust in yourself and move forward.