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    July 26, 2018 2:01 pm  #21

    Rob
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    Re: I found more 'stuff'

    andrea-lost,

     "..I  hate being alone. I am terrified of growing old and dying alone. This is not the vow he promised."

    I am so sorry ..As someone who has been through this ..It's definitely not easy and I can see how one can get that impression reading replies on the site..    The first words I said to my therapist was that I will die alone..  Now.. I can say if that's the case...its ok..I will die alone knowing I gave it my all ..I will leave this world the same way I came in. But for me as time went on my GX made things so bad being alone or even dead I thought would be better.  In a way she helped me overcome my fears..

     " ..So I can be alone and its okay. No. its not. It is lonely no matter how you try to fill your time..."

    One definitely needs to learn how to be alone ..Some for the first time..others again; as I was alone before I met my GX.  Alone sucks sometimes..yes..but alone is not some scary pit of hell to be in..My hell was being in the same house with an abusive cheating wife.  I did not always have a wife or a girlfriend...I was alone before I met her...and I was ok.   You are alone,  for now.  You cannot fill your time, for now.   But it is not forever. 

    3. "...I hate it when people make it sound so easy.  My question- are we broken forever??.."

    It is not easy... and its unfortunate that our replies here come off that way sometimes.   I know I cannot know all the hardships, fears, challenges, hurt that you have..  All I can do is offer some understanding having gone through this to say...no you won't be broken forever.. broken is a negative word.. I will never be
    same.. I may be partially broken (to use the word),  I may have PTSD.   But I know I personally would rather be with someone that is "broken"  than someone who have never faced any hardships or knows what its like to be be hurt..

    a sincere e-hug, prayers and wishes of courage and fortitude.




     

    "For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
     

    July 26, 2018 2:02 pm  #22

    Ellexoh_nz
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    Re: I found more 'stuff'

    andrea-lost wrote:

    ..... My question- are we broken forever????.....

     

    A-L   'hugs' 
    StrongerthanIknew said it "change the conversation in your head". This will take more will-power and strength than you realise you have, but once you stop referring to the loss of what you thought your life would be and start focusing on yourself and how you want your life to be.....you will change the conversation in your head.
    At first....I pleaded with my man like a child almost (I cringe now, what a sad-sack) saying "I just want it to be how it used to be!" 
    When I changed the conversation in my head I realised it'll NEVER be the same. 
    Small steps A-L...start by seeing yourself as more important in your marriage than the man who has deliberately changed the dynamics in it without you knowing

    A-L...I've just reread your posts on the forum. As incremental as it may be....I do believe you're not the same person that you were when you first joined, and you are slowly changing that conversation

     

    Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 26, 2018 2:41 pm)

    KIA KAHA                       
     

    July 26, 2018 3:15 pm  #23

    Duped
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    Re: I found more 'stuff'

    Andrea, I’m so sorry you are in such pain. You don’t need someone else to make you feel valued in this world. Being alone must feel scary after being in a couple, but it really isn’t, its your life, you’re not just valuable as part of someone else’s life. It takes time and it takes action to learn to value yourself enough to stand alone.

    I would rather grow old and alone than grow old in distress.

    I do hope you find some peace

     

    July 26, 2018 4:14 pm  #24

    walkbymyself
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    Re: I found more 'stuff'

    Living alone doesn't lead to loneliness.  Living as a couple with someone who imposes social isolation on you is much worse, in terms of making you feel lonely.

    A-L, I'm keeping you in my thoughts.  I'm not pressuring you to end your marriage, but maybe try to rethink "loneliness" as "isolation".  I'm so, so not in the mood to be sociable these days, but I know if I give in to isolation it will only make it worse in the long run.  Friendships can't be allowed to atrophy, and you can't have real connection to your friends if you're keeping a dark dirty secret that was imposed on you by someone else.  So keeping that secret means you risk allowing your friendships to atrophy.

    I'm just pointing this out because that's one concrete step you can take, without having to decide about your marriage.  You can do what you can to maintain your friends.   And, if you have trouble trying to imagine asking a friend for help -- reverse the roles and see if you could maybe do something to help a friend instead.  Look around you and see if someone is in need.  You can do that much.

     

    July 28, 2018 4:37 am  #25

    Kathyd
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    Re: I found more 'stuff'

    I think this could be a real phobia for some of us.  I'm pretty sure it was with me in the beginning.  Being alone was a fate worse than death.  Sometimes I think it still is (occasionally).  If he wasn't the one to leave I'm pretty sure he'd still be here.  Shit that's awful.

    WTF
     

    July 28, 2018 7:39 am  #26

    Rob
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    Re: I found more 'stuff'

    Kathyd,

    This is never us leaving them, it is them rejecting us.   We never left them no matter how much they scream at us or even if we physically have to leave them. We were always all-in.

    Last edited by Rob (July 28, 2018 7:40 am)

    "For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
     

    August 3, 2018 12:28 pm  #27

    Roo
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    Re: I found more 'stuff'

    I think I am doing okay. I've had so much on my plate lately. Our business has been terrible so having to work on that plus my side business has turned me into a bit of a crazy person (on top of everything I have to deal with at home). I'm really starting to forget to do things. 
    I think I did mention I adopted a stray kitten 2 weeks ago. A ginger tabby I named Oliver! He is a doll and is a little momma's boy! He makes me happy! 

    “And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
     
       •Thread Starter
     

     

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