Zepporah wrote:

Daryl. Thank  you for your answer. When I read your questions I just cried. It is true, nobody is there to support me. Im not taking care of myself , my health and my wellbeing. You made me think. It has always been about him. His issues, his problems and I am the one who has always been there for him but not vice versa. I have isolated myself for many years. I'm of course not comfortable discussing hot gay guys., I don't know why I did that. I also tried to pleasure him sexually in a "gay" way. I think I have lost it completely...I mean who does that ? I think I have lost myself completely in our marriage and  now I feel like Im loosing it for good. I have decided that Im not going to have any sexual contact with him anymore or any intimate contact what so ever. He cant be gay and still have me for a wife when ever he wishes. Im done

I am in the same way regarding sex with my DGH. But the strange thing is that instead of feeling demeaned I feel empowered. Gay sex between men has always turned me on. Ironic I end up with a gay husband. So our sex in basically a mutual fantasy started out by my thoughts.
I do admit that I get pings of jealousy at more intimate things like kissing and caressing but for the most part it works for us. I am also willing to open on his side as long as he stays away from men seeking emotional intimacy. Our ideal will be another married couple in our situation. I wouldnt even know where to start to seek that out.
There are times I've cried but this version of him, happy and free is the version zi want to stay married to. The other version, the man who suppressed his sexuality was rough, cold, distant. I dont want him back anymore and after 7 years ogmf marriage, we were close to heading for divorce. He knew that and it's one of the reasons he came out.

Lisa
Waves and Riptides

Wifeofabiman wrote:

This message is for Lisa. My husband and I continue to have great sex and he goes out of his way to please me but he also wants a boyfriend, either one for himself or one for us to share. I too thought if our marriage is going to last (we both have agreed that is our aim) that it might be best if we had a couple—- a straight wife and a bi husband. That way I would have someone to talk to, my husband would have someone to have gay sex with, and I wouldn’t need to worry about my husband “falling in love” with this man because this man would also be in a committed relationship with his wife.....

I am thinking the same exact thing. How is it possible to meet someone. I have no clue how to do it

Wondering89 wrote:

It just doesn’t work that way unfortunately.. once they try one they want more and bigger and thicker..
plus both married men could develope feeling together.
They go into gay adolescence.. my stbx showed me his Grindr and the messages and how it’s set up and so many men are happy to do blow and go.. 

Like if so many message a random person and just want to suck their dick without a profile photo or anything.. just image how many people they would do it with.
I dont know if they can be content with one dick. One gay guy my stbx talks to his in a relationship with another man and still is searching for more.

Well I'm just getting a box full of toys and we will play with that for a while. Right now my DGH wants to stay monogamous. I work in that with the knowledge that in all likelihood his side will be open at some point.  With all the shit I've been thru I am honestly not surprised m  I dont think anything can shock me anymore.
Lisa
Waves and Riptides

Lisa,
    I did the same thing.  Agreed to work with him and got a "box full of toys" and had sex on his terms for nine months before something in me asserted itself and rebelled and I decided I didn't want to spend the rest of my life satisfying his sexuality but not my very basic one of a heterosexual relationship--with my husband, in a monogamous marriage.  
  Based on my experience, in which the sex was fantastic and I believed everything was going to work out and I could adjust, I'm going to caution you about what you are planning.  Sex will draw you in and increase your bond to him; it is likely it will not do the same for him.  You will be drawn closer to him; it is likely he will not be drawn closer to you.  Down the road, this will make it harder for you if (from my perspective it's really a matter of "when" not "if") your efforts don't pay off.  I lost nine months to this part of the process of coming to terms with my husband's newly expressed sense of himself and his sexuality, and the effects on me of what we did during that time made the subsequent two years of trying to decide to leave and finally leaving much more fraught, painful, and difficult.  Every day you stay in a marriage in which you have erased all your boundaries, shifted them in ways to accommodate him and his desires, made his desires your own, is more pain for you later. 
   Ask yourself: if your DGH really wants to stay monogamous, then why has he even told you about his homosexuality?  People don't throw bombs into their marriages based on idle thoughts or minor urges.  Your husband is telling you about a fundamental aspect of who he is that cannot be satisfied with you.  Of course he wants to stay married!  He's been in this marriage for how many years?  He's squelched his sexuality for how many years?  Don't confuse wanting to stay in the relationship with commitment to the marriage or to you. 

Lisa,
  It's not clear to me what you mean by "too soon to try any other way."  Do you mean share him?  Because that's not what I was suggesting you accommodate to doing although being with other men will likely be the inevitable need that he will express. 
   I have a hard time with the idea that you have come onto the SSN based only on a "casual conversation" of "fantasies" (or to find a way to open up your marriage sexually, which is not really what the forum is designed to do, as I understand it).  Perhaps your partner is just talking about a whim; but many here will tell you that's how their own gay spouses opened the conversation--as "just fantasy," "just to explore," or other overtures for what turned out to be a full gay/trans symphony.  When you say "too soon to try any other way," what I read is that you are letting his "fantasies" define your boundaries and letting him set the parameters--and it's unlikely--and moreover you fear it's unlikely--that it'll stop with the fulfillment of a little fantasy.
 You are going toward something; it's just that it seems you fear it's not a place you want to go.
  
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 3, 2018 11:39 am)