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July 29, 2018 4:31 am  #11


Re: Tools to Make Your MOM Work... The Zimmerman Study

Duped wrote:

This is a research study, not advice. Him being a gay man introduces significant methodological bias so it’s not even a robust research study.

All that talk of “be flexible”, “be adaptable” is just suggesting that people live with their cognitive dissonance. Our bodies and brains are smarter than that. If you move too far from your core self you will suffer the consequences physically and mentally.

Totally agree with you. If adaption was as simple as the writer indicates, their would be no closet to hide in. As a matter of fact, it could even indicate that sexual orientation is a choice if the theories used in the dissertation were reversed.

 

January 5, 2019 2:49 pm  #12


Re: Tools to Make Your MOM Work... The Zimmerman Study

@Lisa, we may be in a very similar situation. I actually did download the study but forgot about downloading it and have only skimmed a few pages a couple weeks ago. My D-day was literally D-day, 12/7, so I’m in the throes of ‘let’s sell the house’ to ‘should we set boundaries’
There is sadness and loss, I’m not at anger. We’re in counseling. He has been in counseking for 9 months on his own. Our relationship has been better since he came out to me. More communication, but the loss is overwhelming. I can’t make any moves until I feel better emotionally and financially it’s impossible.

Lisa Emelsee wrote:

phoenix wrote:

Did anyone read the article?

here's what I observed:
The article is not a fair sample of all str8 spouses who find out there spouse is gay.  It is focused on those who found out and then committed to remaining married. 
The article is focused on the "couple" rather than on the gay man or the str8 woman. 
The article shares a number of important components in the relationship that are required to make it succeed.  In also gives advice on methods to achieve those goals. 

If you are a straight spouse who is committed to finding constructive advice on how to make your relationship work I think this article has good information in it.  

If nobody else agrees and you all feel it's harmful then I will delete this thread. 

Please leave it  I want to stay in my marriage. Although I am just a few weeks in 7/10/18 = DDay. I intellectually know that right now I am grieving a tremendous loss of the husband I thought I knew, while also looking forward to a relationship with a much happier partner.

Although my husband was not honest about his sexual attraction to men, he did not cheat on me, he has had very limited real experiences and has never had sex with a man. We will eventually open his side so he can have some true insight to what he has only fantasized about.
So, I may have bad days...I feel like we broke up and I am with a new person now. I may come on here on a bad day and vent but...I love him, he loves me and right now we are committed to making this work. He does not want to open his side..not yet anyway.  Please keep these posts as tools, at least one of us needs them..me

Lisa
Waves and Riptides

 

January 7, 2019 3:32 pm  #13


Re: Tools to Make Your MOM Work... The Zimmerman Study

HeyJupiter, 
The Zimmerman study was the first place I ever saw any kind of analysis that showed me the outline of a pathway towards being able to stay together. I had to print it out (it's big!) and carry it around for a week or so before I got through all of it, but I'm kind of a nerd and I enjoy poring through this kind of research. You can skip ahead to the Strategies section (I think that was what it was called?) to get to the meat of what the participants felt were the most important things in keeping their marriages alive. It's not exactly a roadmap, but it does list several things that I felt we had in our own partnership, which made me more optimistic about our chances. There are a few other studies and books I've linked to under the "Tools to Make Your MOM Work" header; I hope they bring you some peace and hope as you navigate these unfamiliar waters.
 

     Thread Starter
 

March 17, 2019 3:52 pm  #14


Re: Tools to Make Your MOM Work... The Zimmerman Study

Speaking as a straight spouse with a CDH who is exploring gender dysphoria, I thought the dissertation was useful.  It gives another perspective on MOM challenges.  A lot of the material repeats what I have learned elsewhere but I liked the bit of advice one of the interviewed couples gave, which was not to make any major decisions for a year after disclosure. I liked another quote, "if you're riding a roller coaster, the only one who gets hurt is the one who gets off in the middle of the ride."  

 

March 17, 2019 9:50 pm  #15


Re: Tools to Make Your MOM Work... The Zimmerman Study

Haven wrote:

........"if you're riding a roller coaster, the only one who gets hurt is the one who gets off in the middle of the ride."  

Good quote Haven


** ...look pressure in the eye,  
walk towards it... **


 
 

March 18, 2019 7:50 am  #16


Re: Tools to Make Your MOM Work... The Zimmerman Study

What happens if there's no end to the ride?

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 18, 2019 3:13 pm)

 

March 18, 2019 2:17 pm  #17


Re: Tools to Make Your MOM Work... The Zimmerman Study

-This forum is for those who have chosen to remain committed to their marriage after finding out there spouse has a same-sex-attraction. If this does not apply to you please refrain from posting here.

-Discussions should focus on strategies to help the straight spouse overcome the challenges of this new relationship dynamic. 

-Any advice given must be constructive toward the goal of a successful Mixed Orientation Marriage.


I found when I first became a Forum member.....distraught but wanting to talk/more wanting to stay in my r'ship than immediately needing to get out....I found the reactions towards me were hostile, so I had to learn to say  what I said and the way I said it more circumspectly because it was clear there is a definite divide between where some wanted to be in their journey. 

I've read some really bitchy & bitter comments this morning, no doubt from individual personal journeys. 

This board doesn't need your past experience cluttering it up

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (March 18, 2019 2:19 pm)


** ...look pressure in the eye,  
walk towards it... **


 
 

March 18, 2019 3:57 pm  #18


Re: Tools to Make Your MOM Work... The Zimmerman Study

I will admit it seems to me like pretty irresponsible advice to me and there's a new poster taking it seriously, I can understand why the other posters jumped in and said something - stay on the rollercoaster til the ride is finished?  when's it going to finish?  Once you are away from the gas lighting it is easier to catch up to yourself.

anyway what I wanted to say is why savage Duped - why not try being a bit tolerant, it goes both ways.  The reaction you've had to her, Yaz is OTP.  (over the top) and please refrain from doing the same to me.  I don't post here normally and I will stay away again, it is your reaction to Duped that brought me here.

 

March 18, 2019 10:25 pm  #19


Re: Tools to Make Your MOM Work... The Zimmerman Study

Here's what sticks in my craw. Ellexoh, you get on other threads and enable others' denial and hope with your "your journey" cant,  but when you are unhappy and chafing in your "r'ship," you feel perfectly fine sniping on this thread (you have even been called out on it); yet when others see what looks like "irresponsible advice" (to quote Lily) to a desperately hoping new arrival, and object, you cry foul. 
  The poet  Robert Frost wrote that every metaphor breaks down somewhere. The roller coaster metaphor is an illogical non starter that may provide needed comfort (to desperate spouses grasping at straws), but wisdom or a guide for behavior it isn't.  That's why I asked my question, to encourage critical analysis.
  And now I'll leave you in the less uncomfortable state you like to inhabit. And hope new arrivals, who often come here, in the grip of denial, and convinced as many of us were that they can save their relationships, read the rest of the forum too.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 18, 2019 10:39 pm)

 

March 18, 2019 10:57 pm  #20


Re: Tools to Make Your MOM Work... The Zimmerman Study

lily wrote:

Once you are away from the gas lighting it is easier to catch up to yourself.

Not every disclosure involves gaslighting, Lily. If your partner lies and cheats, whether straight or not, that is an entirely different issue than their sexuality.

If you want to bail on an otherwise good partnership simply because your partner chooses to be honest with you about their desires, then perhaps your partner will indeed be better off without you. But if you both love each other, and want to make it work, and have already established trust and respect and a family and a life together, why not give it a year to see if you can move past the emotional fallout from the changed social and personal expectations (aka "the roller coaster") and rebuild your lives together?

It's tough. I won't lie; it's not for everyone. But for those who have made it work, it was definitely the right choice. My GH and I will be celebrating 20 years together this fall, and while it hasn't been a bed of roses, I will say that I feel cherished and cared for by someone I admire and trust and love with all my heart.

I hope you can find a path to peace and compassion towards other MOM spouses who want to make it work, but if not, maybe it would indeed be better off for the members of this subforum if you chose to express your doubt and pessimism somewhere else.

     Thread Starter
 

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