Survival90 wrote:

And "not all situations are those that ought to be lived" is insulting. You are basically saying my husband and I's decision to stay together is wrong, and shouldn't be done. You then relate being in a MOM to being in an abusive relationship where one spouse beats the other. The two are nothing alike, and I find it really insulting to compare my husband to someone who beats their spouse. My husband is a gentle and loving person, and if we choose to work through something like this doesn't make him abusive. 

Just to be clear... nobody said being in a MOM was like being in a physically abusive relationship. Not all abuse is physical, and many here have experienced emotional, verbal, and financial abuse. Some have even experienced a form of sexual abuse that would probably be classified closer to emotional than physical. The damage, however, is just as real. Also, many of us weren't able to recognize the abuse for what it was until we were out of the situation. I feel certain that is the type of abuse that was being talked about.

Don't worry OoHC - I have no intention of being muzzled.  I personally don't feel that I could have any kind of open marriage - even if my partner were completely straight and we were very happy.  And that's because I don't want my partner to be okay with me sharing my body with anyone else. I won't ever even think of doing that.  It goes against the very point of marriage to me.  But that's the thing - to ME. I'm not saying that it can't work for others. There are tons of polyamorous individuals in the world that seem perfectly happy that way.  As long as no one's forcing me into that situation, they can have at it all they want.

I can't say that I'm going to be neutral about MOMs - my feelings aren't neutral. I suspect that most of us don't feel neutral about it - especially after trying it for a bit.  But my point is that they should be allowed that option, and that since we all feel the need to jump on them, it's a good thing for them to have a place where they are free to only have others in their own situation. They can come here and discuss too, but they will likely meet a different response. And that's okay.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (July 26, 2018 9:47 am)

I've heard that kind of thing before - not necessarily with regards to attempting to be in a MOM, though.  It's part of the gas lighting, in my opinion. We're brainwashed into thinking that WE have the issue because we snooped - don't we TRUST? But then, there was STUFF to find - it's why we snooped in the first place - because something felt off and we began searching to find out if we were right about that, or crazy. Only to find out that they consider us crazy or suspicious when we had reason to be.

Kel

Some of us through this journey and not by our choice have been in a MOM for varying amounts of time floundering around. But during that time I actually believed my marriage was special and that we were the ones who could make this work in remaining married. I was never on board with any sort of open relationship. Foolish thinking I know. I no longer believe that what we had was special or that there was any possibility of making it work. However, I had to come to this conclusion entirely on my own. I had to know that I had done everything I could while sticking to my morals to save my marriage and family I have 6 kids with him and I loved him with all my heart. We all have to live with our own choices and come to them in our own time. Also it has to be remembered that sometimes when a spouse comes out a relationship is temporary improved because the burden of the seret is removed from the gay spouse and they feel accepted by their spouse and it brings a closeness and complicates things further as this “honeymoon period” does not last and we are yet again not enough. Just my thoughts.