The short answer is that it will be different for everyone.  But I do know one thing for sure, the sooner you move away from it, the sooner you will get over it.  Someone on here recently posted something like: do new things, try a new restaurant, new way to work, new store, rearrange furniture....whatever, just something that isn't related to the both of you together.  It may sound simple but it's little steps like this that lead us away from the past and into the future.

For me, it was a somewhat different experience.  I never had one smoking gun like a craig's list account or seeing he had hooked up with men.  I had so many D days of finding circumstantial BS followed by trying to forgive and then another D day 6 months or 3 months or a year later that by the time I was ready to file I just didn't have an ounce of love left in me for him.  By that time I had completely lost any respect or trust for him and my only beef was with having to move from my home while he got to stay and enjoy it.  But I'd say it took a good three years for it to sink in that I needed to give up and walk out.  Had I walked out sooner, I know I would have gotten over it before three years.  Staying in the situation just started to perpetuate it into infinity.  until I put a stop to the whole BS train. 

Change your surroundings, the things you do, the places you go, and you'll change your life.  It doesn't have to be all of it right away.  Little steps, little things. 

Moving on was a slow process for me and that may be due to that fact that I discovered TGT after divorce.  It was emotionally like going through the divorce process twice. I divorced for all the strange reasons and problems we talk about here, but just never knew the cause.  In some ways discovery of TGT released me from a lot of self-blame about the failure of the marriage, but it also made me reevaluate my entire adult life against the backdrop of the lie I was unknowingly living.

I can't remember the exact moment letting go occurred.  It occurred over time; a long long time. It was a process fueled by throwing myself into living my life and raising my kids as a single mom.  Once day I woke up and realized I was done.  It was over.  Others here have said:  Living a good life is the best revenge and that time heals all wounds.  I believe that is true.

Forgiveness seemed to be the last piece of the puzzle for me. For the first couple of years I felt sorry for my X and there was little anger involved...until I found out about TGT.  Then the anger came and at some point I knew I had to work on forgiveness.  And finding it has been very illusive for me.  First and foremost I realized that the first person I had to forgive was myself.  Forgiving was not about overlooking his actions, deceit, and cruelty, but rather forgiveness is allowing myself to move forward without using animosity to continue to fuel the rage.  I love the anger that comes with the steps of acceptance.  It moves us to get out of a bad situation when we feel like we are walking through wet concrete about to set.  But at some point it no longer serves that purpose and we must let go and begin to travel light.

Selfrenewal, never apologize (on here at least lol!) for posting, no matter how long the rant or plea for a hug it is. This forum & all the heartfelt, brutally honest, raw entries are what helps us all come out of the dreaded dark closet we were unwillingly thrown into & realize we are not alone, it's not our fault & that it will get better. I couldn't imagine going thru all of this without being able to hop on here & hear answers to my nagging questions, get a virtual hug, a kick in the ass or wicked on-point advice.

No one, not even my beloved sister or bestie can truly understand what this is like & what we need to hear. The right words at the right time really can be a life saver. For that, I am forever grateful to the founders of Str8Spouse & y'all here.


WendiT:you wrote:"when we feel like we are walking through wet concrete about to set.  But at some point it no longer serves that purpose and we must let go and begin to travel light."  That is a brilliant visual & so beautifully describes what it feels like to go thru this wretchedness! I look forward to the "light" part. I'm 5 years away apparentley :/ 

Bless you all & I hope everyone has a gentle weekend xxxxx

Last edited by whatasham24 (August 19, 2016 6:08 pm)

I don't know the statistics but I have heard that most attempts do not last much beyond a year. For what it's worth, I don't see what I would call gay bashing here. I do see anger at choices and actions made by specific people who are, or maybe gay or GID (or variant of LGBTQ). Back to your original question - relationships only work when both people's needs are met, they are happy, fulfilled, feel cherished and valued. They can implicitly trust and it is fully reciprocated. Nothing is hidden. Most here have not experienced this and the idea of a MOM gets floated out like a consolation prize. A MOM might work if it the relationship was understood to be this from the get-go but, from what I've read, it seems it always comes up as an accommodation by the straight partner. The gay/bi partner can go do what they want but I don't think I've ever heard from someone who, as the straight partner, also had the same freedom to explore relationships with other straight people. Anything is possible but examples are few and far between, at least with the folks here who have tried it.