OurPath Open Forum
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- jacki
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Re: Day 19
Day 41
So I feel like I havent been here in a long time! Hope all is well with everyone.
So I went to that workshop for Healing Intimate Betrayal, it was hard, but good. I learned A LOT! I do have a question, has anyone been confused abt orientation vs sexual dysfunction/addiction/anorexia? I was just reading a post from Roo I think and someone mentioned a disclosure. I heard a lot about those in the workshop. I, due to moving on/divorce, will not be pursuing a disclosure...Do most here have a disclosure/polygraph, etc?
- Roo
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Re: Day 19
Hi Jacki! I did get disclosure. It was several months after finding texts and realizing it was a man he was talking to and not a women. I was throwing up every single night at 3am. He finally asked me what is wrong and he knew then I knew. That's when I asked him how long he's known he was bisexual. I didn't realize the extent of it. I didn't know at that point he was on several gay hook-up sites. He still doesn't know that I know he's been to gay saunas and trying to hook up with strange men. Could it be that he has such a sex addiction he will get it from anyone? I just don't understand it.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
- jacki
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Re: Day 19
Good morning Roo,
So, about your question, actually, first let me share what someone with experience told me last night:
"You can't make logical sense of this illogical disease (sex addiction). Nothing makes sense and you'll make yourself crazy trying to make it make sense."
This is NOT to say your person is a sex addict, I am trying to see if MINE could possibly be. Not that it would change anything, it just may (may not, idk) help me to understand. Though I immediately think of the above quote...
Anyway, I did learn A LOT about sex addiction and sex anorexia (my asshole's problem). I also listened to a woman share that although her husband has been with more than 100 men sexually, he does not identify as being homosexual. Not that confuses me except to think he doesn't have the balls (courage) to actually be honest. The problem is, with addiction (any and all) naturally comes dishonesty, secrets, hiding, AND sex addiction is PROGRESSIVE. Which means if at first it was about straight porn, reg sex, whatever, eventually it takes more, different to have same effect. So for an addicted man that is heterosexual, it could and maybe does lead to more adventurous homosexual stuff. It sure makes some sense to me...
It all still SUCKS!!!!
- •
Thread Starter- Roo
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Re: Day 19
Hi Jacki! I'm guessing my husband is a sex addict but this, IMO, is on a whole different level. Some of the 'toys' I found hidden and the searches for other sex gadgets has been eye-opening that is for sure. The constant internet gay and straight porn, searching on hook-up sites AND the fetishes. He want's to be dominated and basically abused. It's almost as if he is out of control at this point. I don't understand how a 'straight' married man can go to these places and NOT be considered gay. Yet, he is still wanting to have sex with me and has been complaining we don't have it enough. As if knowing what I know, makes me want to.
I have reached out through email to several lawyers however I have not heard back from any of them. Go figure.
I am not doing well. The stress is overwhelming. With this and the fact our business has been very very slow. I just don't know what to do! I know what I SHOULD do, I just can't come to grips with this.
Last edited by Roo (July 12, 2018 10:44 am)
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
- jacki
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Re: Day 19
Roo,
Have you tried any 12 step programs? It may sound odd, but I did go to S-Anon (it is basically for anyone affected by another person's sexual behavior). I went to one on Tuesday night and am continuing to learn more and more. Being that my husband was never really into me (sexually, intimately~conversation, physical touch, etc), when he said he was gay I thought, "ok, no wonder." However after learning more abt sexual dysfunction (addiction or anorexia) I am not so sure. I believe that PERHAPS he is gay, BUT he has A LOT of other sexual issues. When I went to the workshop the therapist stated that there are plenty of closeted gay men that still have sex with their wives. Just as there are plenty of sex addicts that have sex with wives, other women, other men, regardless of their orientation. It is super fucking confusing! What I know is that I (and you) deserve better!
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Thread Starter- jacki
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Re: Day 19
So I stopped counting days long ago and I am thankful for that!
I am moving forward with my life. That feels amazing. The divorce is nearly final, I went skydiving on Saturday for the first time ever, and I have been out on 2 dates, with straight men~I am excited for what lies ahead. Of course I have shitty days still but at least I can fairly quickly move my thoughts to more positive things. Things I can change.
Life does go on and it will get better and better. Thanks to all that are here to support the rest of us.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Day 19
jacki wrote:
.... I went skydiving on Saturday for the first time ever,
You awesome woman!
This morning I posted a photo of myself after my one and only sky-dive from 10 yrs ago and commented
"Ten years ago I jumped out of a plane.Where did that woman go?
Do I have to jump out of another plane to find her again? What if the parachute doesn't open, what if there IS no parachute!"
KIA KAHA
- phoenix
- Administrator
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Re: Day 19
So I stopped counting days long ago and I am thankful for that!
I am moving forward with my life. That feels amazing. The divorce is nearly final, I went skydiving on Saturday for the first time ever, and I have been out on 2 dates, with straight men~I am excited for what lies ahead. Of course I have shitty days still but at least I can fairly quickly move my thoughts to more positive things. Things I can change.
Life does go on and it will get better and better. Thanks to all that are here to support the rest of us.
This is the best update!!! I'm so happy for you.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.