If any of you are like me, I knew for a long time that there were issues in my marriage, but didn't know what they were.  And I kept trying to address the individual issues, because I had no idea that the common root of all those issues was my ex being gay.  That means that for years - 10 whole years (out of 16 being married), I fought increasingly with my ex about the lack of sex.  I couldn't seem to succinctly address the lack of passion, because I had no idea how to address that without sounding insulting.  But I was able to tell him repeatedly that he was NOT giving me enough intimacy to survive on, long-term.  And in order to give him something concrete to work on, one of my complaints was how he would only do missionary or doggy-style positions, usually while looking up at the ceiling.  He would tell me during these discussions how HE was fine with our sex life.  HE was happy in our marriage.  As if ME being unhappy was immaterial so long as he was happy.  I could never understand this; I cannot be happy in a marriage where I know my partner is unhappy.  My love for my partner prevents me from being happy with him being unhappy.

My ex would usually make a show out of getting out one of our two sex books (The Joy of Sex) and start looking through them the day following our discussions.  As if knowing some new positions was going to solve the issue of him not being able to physically touch my vagina or look at me during sex.  Every time he would do this, I'd think "He doesn't get it", but I felt like he was at least trying to try.  Of course I saw absolutely no.change.whatsoever from him looking like he was trying.  I didn't see any more frequency, and I certainly didn't see any renewed passion.  He never once asked me to look through the book with him, or asked me if I thought a certain thing looked like something I might like to try (the answer would have been yes - virtually no matter what it was).  He never asked me to look through it and point out a few things I might like him to try.  I never saw him looking through the book after initially cracking the book after our discussion.  It'd go lying around the room for a while, as if he were working on it.  But the book never moved from it's position until one day, it'd be put back away or kicked under the bed.  And we'd go back into the cycle of me waiting on changes, and getting frustrated.  About 6 months after that discussion, I'd blow my stack and go another round on the endless cycle of discuss/ask for/wait and see.  All the while, he was "fine" with our sex life.  ("Fine" would be said in response to my complaints - I'd say, "I'm so unhappy", and he'd say "I'm fine".)

I began to warn him that if he continued on this path, he was playing with fire; that I wasn't getting what I needed and I wouldn't be able to hold out forever.  He used this opportunity to act appalled and mortified that I would cheat on him.  I told him that he was starving me - he couldn't be surprised when I stole a piece of bread for sustenance.  Then a few years after that, I began warning him that I had reached the point of critical mass - that he was in imminent danger of losing me.  Something needed to change, and it needed to change big, and it needed to change fast.  But he was fine.  And then one day, I passed him in the hallway, after getting home from being out.  He said "Hi, how are you?", and I heard the words "I can't do this anymore" come out of my mouth.  There was that split second where he said, "Can't do what anymore?", and I could have pulled the statement back.  Used something like, "Go out on worknights" or something like that.  But I didn't.  I said, "This (pointing back and forth between the two of us).  Us.  I can't do this anymore - I'm...... done."  And just like that, he was suddenly panicked.  Telling me that divorce wasn't an option.  I told him that HE could decide it wasn't an option, but that it was an option for me.

And then came days and days of him begging and crying about how he'd be better.  He told me he didn't want to lose me.  I distinctly remember saying, "You don't want me anymore.  Why would you want to keep being married to me?", and him looking at me with a look that said he didn't know the answer to that, either.  The kids.  Our families.  God.  He made me promise to counseling (which I did only to give him time to come to the acceptance that this wasn't going to work anymore).  And then for the next several days, I'd come home from work and he'd be there, wanting to rub my feet and shoulders, wanting to help me off with my work clothes.  Wanting to take me out to dinner or out for dessert.  And I.was.done.  And it made me SO.ANGRY that allllll that time I was telling him that I was unhappy, it didn't matter to him.  MY happiness didn't matter to him.  Changes only needed to be made when he felt that HE was going to be unhappy.  I remember telling him on day two of this, "Look, I realize that you're trying to do everything you can to make this work.  But the fact that you were only willing to try at ALL when it affected YOU is just insulting to me.  It's too little, too late.  It's not going to help.  Stop, because at this point it's like spitting in my face".  He looked genuinely confused.

If I told my current husband that I was unhappy with something, he'd get ON it.  Because the man seemingly lives to make me happy.  I literally have to be careful about what I say around him, because if I say, "I'm going to need a new winter coat this winter", it will appear at the next gifting opportunity.  Along with a matching hat, scarf, gloves and boots.  If I ask him to fix the leaking faucet, the man pulls out the tools.  I have to say, "Hon, this faucet is bugging me.  Maybe we can work on it together this weekend?"  I cannot even imagine what he'd do if I said "I'm not getting enough sex, and it's not passionate enough.  And I'm so unhappy that if it doesn't change, I'm exiting the marriage".  The man would take me away for the weekend IMMEDIATELY, having packed the suitcases and arranged for babysitting and scheduled me a haircut and mani/pedi - just so I'd feel cherished (I'm beginning to think telling him this might be a fantastic idea - ha ha!).

If your spouse is not concerned that you're unhappy, is not trying to make changes to critical areas of your marriage that are leaving you wanting to leave, then they're not in it for you.  They're in it ONLY for what they can get out of it.  And they won't do anything that inconveniences them in the least unless they get something out of that they want.  If they want NO sex with you, they aren't going to give you more upon your request unless you've got one foot out the door and they want to keep the marriage.  And that - to me - is very telling.  If they love you, they'd want you to be happy and fulfilled.  If they only make the effort because it's going to affect them, then fucking LEAVE.  If you have to tell someone to tell you that they love you, it's not worth anything when they say it.  It takes confidence to leave when they're finally trying to give you what you've wanted all along.  Just know that if it wasn't given for the right reason, it's not worth jack shit.  And as soon as they are no longer in danger of you leaving, they'll go right back to doing what suits them.

Kel